Three Cups of Poison

It's not exactly what Greg Mortensen envisioned...in fact, I'm not sure any of us could envision such a scene. Fifty-nine female students and fourteen teachers were taken to a hospital in Afghanistan recently. all of them were sick suddenly...but not suspiciously. Tests are being taken now to determine the cause of the sickness, but it is apparent that this is part of a continuing trend to convince parents and students (especially female students) in Afghanistan that education is not such a good idea.
UNICEF estimates that since 2008 there have been 670 education-related attacks by the Taliban, and the preponderance of these attacks have been aimed at female students and their teachers. In most of these "attacks," the modus operandi was poison gas, and it is suspected that this latest incident will not differ when the analysis is complete.
For historical reference, it should be noted that from 1996-2001 the Taliban was in control of the country, and females were not allowed to attend school at all. Then, of course, Greg Mortensen happened, and girls began experiencing the same kinds of academic freedom as their male counterparts, and tribal leaders began to stand up to the edicts of the Taliban, who, not to be easily stymied, has retaliated by attacking young girls and those who would help them.
It is inconceivable to you and me.
Life is cheap when power loses its control.
Afghan children...innocent bystanders in Mexico...Pakistanis who've lost everything...a whole world of injustice.
I'd better not hear any whining from my students this semester.

Dying Dogs In China

It's the lime sherbet puppy!

Pets in general and dogs in particular are an intimate part of the fabric of social life around the world. Some people raise them as potential food sources, some people use them as hunters or guardians, and some people, like my sister-in-law and my friend Mark, seem to have them around just so they can get slobbered on by affectionate pooches. As for me, anything that a dog puts anywhere near its testicles or other private regions or chomps fleas with is not coming anywhere NEAR me face. Oh, I know all about how many germs are in the human mouth, etc., but that's not going to sway me. I love dogs, but they are not coming near me with that dripping lapper. Fortunately, I do not live in China.
The latest trend in Beijing involves dying a dog's fur to make it resemble something else: a tiger, a panda, or, in the case of the dog pictured above, something like sherbet. It has become all the rage to adorn the dogs with dye, and salons are making a killing on it. Some fear, that might be a literal interpretation. Mary Peng from the International Center for Veterinary Services in Beijing noted that "sometimes, dyes can be fatal," though salon owners claim to use only products that have been rigorously tested. And, while a dye job may seem extreme, dropping Fido off for a spa treatment featuring a rose-petal bath just goes beyond my imagination. The rationale for such treatment?
Owners say that a new "do" can help a dog's image and make it more confident.
Well, I guess if it works for humans...

What, Me Worry?

If you were a young male in the 60s and could tear yourself away from National Geographic, chance are you read Mad magazine with Alfred E. Neuman as its poster guy. Begun in 1952, the magazine featured the cartoonish Neuman more than 30 times on the cover, and he, quite frankly, became something of a national icon. His carefree, unworried attitude was a welcome mantra to all of us. But, the fact is, we worried then, and we worry today.
My latest worry involves my return to the teaching profession. I've only been away from an actual classroom for three years, but this year, I will be returning to face 25 college freshmen in a composition class. I felt rather confident until the other night.
I know dreams are not real, but, still...normally, I have bizarre dreams about being naked in public, but not this time.
I dreamed I was on campus, trying to find my classroom just minutes before class was scheduled to begin. It was getting dark, and my panic increased as I realized that I did not recognize ANY of the buildings and could not, under any circumstance, find my way. Twenty minutes after my class was scheduled to begin, I ran panting into a classroom I thought I recognized only to discover it was peopled by folks who were not my students.
Just as I was about to a) lose my mind or b) lose my job, I awoke, covered with sweat, grateful to realize the dream nature of my experience.
I'd love to say I'm no longer worried. I mean, I've worked on campus for six years, and I know where the rooms are (because I went to make certain!), but there's still a bit of a doubt.
What, me worried? Not a bit...well, maybe just a bit.

A Really Busy Signal

At Least She's Not Texting While In Traffic

The Nielsen company does a great deal of research on the media habits of Americans. They are the folks who determine what programs we watch on television and in what numbers. Now, it seems that this company also does research on phone usage...but I think it wasted the time it took to survey the phone records of 60,000 mobile phone users. I could have predicted the results, mostly, and I would bet that you could, too.
For example, people over 65 use text messaging less than any other group: an average of 32 per month. Surprised? Maybe that older people use text at ALL, but not that they would be the least frequent users.
Who uses texting the most? I'm sure you know: teens, who send text messages at the rate of 2779 per month! Yep, more than 90 times a day on average. This is the single biggest reason I even HAVE a cell phone: my students refused to answer emails...though I get 100% response, sometimes immediately, from text messages.
It's also not too surprising that women text more than men (averaging 601 per month while men text 447 times per month), nor did it shock me to find out that women talk on the phone more than men, spending an average of 22% more time on the phone than their male counterparts.
There are, however, some interesting factoids that caught my attention.
1. African-Americans and Hispanics use the phone more than white users.
2. Even Pacific Islanders talk more on the phone than white users (692 min/month compared to 647 min/month).
3. Southerners use the phone more than we Yankees do.
4. African-Americans text the most (780 per month), followed by Hispanics (767 per month) and whites (566 per month).
5, The state of Florida has the most talkers but the fewest texters. (Given the age of the population in Florida, I guess this is not a surprise)
All in all, it's no wonder the US Postal Service is losing money and threatening to cancel my Saturday collection of junk mail.
America: we need to write more and use the phone (which scrambles our brains anyway, I'm told) less!

Banned Bandz? It's Back To School

Isn't that silly?

While not exactly new to the market, Silly Bandz have become all the rage...so much so that schools have begun to ban them from children's wrists. What are they? If you don't know, you've been missing for two years. These silicone, elasticized bracelets have been mega hot since they hit the internet in November of 2008. When the pack of 12 is opened, the bands might resemble animal shapes, the alphabet, or Justin Biever (really!). I have seen them designed for sports teams and holiday festivities as well...and they are popular.
Much of the popularity comes, of course, from the bright colors though the idea probably sprang from the "Livestrong" bracelets Nike has been promoting for sometime to help fund cancer research. In addition to the variety, these have become extremely tradable and collectible (think cheaper Beanie Babies). Schools have had such a difficult time with children focusing on the bands and not on schoolwork that some schools have begun to ban their appearance.
Robert Croak invented these novelty items in 2008, and sales have expanded (so to speak) from a few thousand dollars per year to more than 66 million dollars per year. The fact that each pack is relatively inexpensive puts these must-haves within the range of just about any grade schooler...or movie star. I won't even begin to tell you the names of the rich and famous who sport the latest fad in "jewelry." Trust me, though, this will be a short-lived fad, and while Croak will have made his mark, the rest of us will simply have more elastic to use on bread bags.
BTW, these are NOT to be confused with the various-hued wrist bands junior high school students wear to show off their experimental nature with members of the opposite sex (different colors mean different acts performed or a willingness to perform them). That's a whole OTHER thing.
School is a lot more complicated now.

Tom Is Actually Funnier Than I Am

Despite constant admonishment from those around me who say it isn't so, I still think I'm a rather funny fellow. Given the opportunity to try new material out on folks visiting Lambeau and taking a tour, it's been a busy summer. We got three inches of rain in an hour the other day, and I came up with: "It rained so hard at my house that I saw a duck in a canoe." Don't feel bad...I think I only got one laugh all day when I tried it out.I should have probably listened to my wife who told me not to repeat that or any similar ideas I might have on the subject. However, springboarding off the many laughs I got earlier when noting that "raining cats and dogs: I know because I stepped in a poodle" probably wasn't my best idea. However, there are only so many weather-related jokes one can think up. Maybe humor is situational, and I just never appear to be in the right situation. Not like Tim Vine.
Vine was just awarded first place in a joke contest sponsored by Dave TV (those English are somewhat odd, aren't they?) for his "once-in-a-lifetime-vacation" joke. I won't spoil it for you, and I have included the top selections from the contest in the link below.
Yuk it up.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202

Sometimes Common Knowledge Is Wrong

The Media Misunderstands Me!

We were at the "Free zoo" here the other night, watching as wild deer ambled up to a pile of apples to graze while, literally, dozens of people watched. The free zoo is another term for the place where we drop off our lawn clippings and yard detritus. As a result, there are no fences and nothing to separate us from the animals. One little boy about three went wandering off toward the animals, oblivious to the fact that they were,w ell, wild, and many of the bucks had dangerous-looking antlers. Of course, it didn't help that the tyke did not understand English, and his dad was trying to get a photo with a malfunctioning cell phone camera. When ten people raised a ruckus, the dad finally corralled the youngster and took him to safety, but we were all worried more than a little bit. Unlike the little guy, WE all understood the danger of wild animals who might prey on the young and unsuspecting.
So it is in the human world...cougars have a nefarious reputation, and I'm here to refute much of that with scientific evidence. It seems as if everyone believes that older women prefer younger men; and, while Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are poster children for this theory, current research shows their relationship to be an anomaly rather than a regular occurrence.
Michael Dunn, a psychology professor at the University of Wales Institute in Cardiff, studied 22,000 men and women ages-20-50 to decode their dating preferences. Dunn considered almost every aspect, and included both Christian and Muslim people...no word on whether or not he considered agnostics, atheists, Hindus, etc. Here are his basic results with regard to preferences...and I doubt if they will surprise us too much!
Women generally selected online dating matches among men who had money and/or status of some sort. No surprise there...the homely and insignificant among us always get short shrifted.
Men, on the other hand, (get ready for the big surprise) chose potential dating partners on the basis of physical attractiveness! Ya think? Once again, the somewhat less than 10s get left out.
Men between the ages of 20 and 25 preferred dating partners their own age (NOT wealthy, older women), and AS THEY AGED, men tended to prefer younger and younger women...the Hugh Hefner syndrome, I would say. Again, this is no surprise, but it does make us wonder about Kutcher et al.
Finally, among the 22,000 who were women between the ages of 20 and 50, they overwhelmingly selected men either their own age or OLDER!
Now...is this just because the study was done in Europe and not Hollywood? I doubt it.
It simply means that while there are some animals in the wild that are dangerous to the young, many of them simply want to be around their own kind.
Deer and cougars included.

Why Young People Have Children

TRAINING CAMP BUDDIES

As the plane lifted off headed east, I suddenly felt tired. I needed a nap. It had been a four-day adventure parenting a nine-year old, and I was exhausted. While the greater part of me was sad to see the little guy going back to his real parents, there was a teeny, tiny part that breathed a big sigh and pointed me toward the couch. Raising youngsters is not for the faint of heart or those of us used to a more, shall I say, pedestrian lifestyle.
Day one was nothing more than an intercept at the airport followed by a leisurely late lunch at a casual restaurant, then home to play some catch, visit the local amusement park, eat some ice cream and get to bed.
Day two involved dropping the little guy off at his aunt's house where he would play games ALL day: some outdoors like mini golf, and some computerized. Dinner at our place ensued followed by a trip to the "free" zoo to see deer and turkeys (actually, these animals gather nightly at the place where we drop off yard clippings...dozens of people there every night!), then shopping for new school clothes and shoes, and a later than usual bedtime for ALL of us!
Day three: early rising to get doughnuts and head to packers' training camp for the morning. Lunch involved popcorn, nerds and a soda while watching the latest reincarnation of The Karate Kid at the cheap theater. After dinner (Life cereal and OJ), there was his introduction to pickleball...a game which he loved to play. As the sun went down, there was time for more reading, the Nintendo DS and a shower somewhere in there.
Day four started with a casual wakeup before heading out to the zoo to check out all the animals; it also involved feeding many of them in the kids' part as well as providing leaves for the giraffes who had long, black, icky-looking tongues. Then, it was off to see the local waterfall in a rustic park, dinner, and more pickleball.
The Nintendo and Bop-It had a significant hold on this youngster, and getting him to bed was no easy task, but knowing that the plane scheduled called for an 8 o'clock departure, there was little choice. Even I went to bed well before 10.
There seemed to be very little which could rouse him this morning. Dynamite crossed my mind as did the ice my mother used to throw on me. I started to say, "Well, fine, just sleep then and go home whenever," but that would have been a mistake all around.
So, we made the plane, I got a big hug and a mischievous grin as he strode down the loading ramp with his new books in hand.
It was a wonderful time, and I'd like to start again tomorrow...after a good night's sleep.

Back to School Without Rodney

I know it's truly back-to-school time...not when the stores sell folders for a dime, but when when Beloit College sends out its annual knowledge base for incoming freshmen. This yearly primer is designed to make us aware of how little these incoming students know about, well, anything important. It also illustrates just how far the rest of us have fallen behind, especially in the area of technology. I mean, seriously...nobody wears a watch anymore because the smartphone keeps track of time for them? Nobody can recall a phone number other than the number assigned for speed dial? Sad in some ways, but funny as heck to me. One of my Facebook "friends" recently lost his phone and had to beg everyone for their phone number because he didn't know them. Har har: 1196-J (my phone number when I was a kid...dialed by an operator!). Anyway, enough codgerisms from me. Here's the link to the entire list of how different this year's incoming frosh are than the rest of us.

http://www.beloit.edu/mindset/2014.php

There's Good News :) ...and Bad News :(

Let's get this out of the way first: neither the good nor the bad news has anything to do with Brett Favre's imminent return/retirement. This is a serious blog, and I'm talking about life and death here...for women.
WE all know that chocolate has health benefits, especially dark chocolate. At least, most of us expound on the theory while munching that Godiva stuff. Now, there is a study which corroborates that information, at least for women.
A study done in Sweden recently released indicates that women between the ages of 48 and 83 who consumed 2 servings of chocolate sized between 19-30g every week had a 32% reduction in their risk for heart failure. The study was conducted over a nine-year period and involved 32,000 women. As of yet, there is no real evidence to prescribe the same regimen for younger women or men, but, hey, it makes sense!
Now for the bad news: really bad news for Wisconsin women. It seems that a recent study published in the Archives of Dermatology in Boston indicates that women who drink five glasses of beer a week run a 2.3 times greater risk of developing psoriasis than those who teetotal. The study was conducted from 1991-2005 and utilized 82,000 nurses. This is not good news since five beers a week is just warming up here in the dairy state.
However, for you wine drinkers, the good news just keeps on coming: it's only beer that has this effect: wine and other spirits do not seem to have the psoriasis effect. Whew!
You may now return to the merlot and the Old.Fashioneds
And for those of you who are dismayed? A gluten-free diet is recommended.
Check it out.

Tiffany Didn't Come to Iola, Kansas

younger and older sibs

If there's one truth to this world it's that siblings are completely different people, even though raised by the exact same parents in the same way. There are, of course, various theories as to why this is true, and siblings themselves have tried to figure out what qualities distinguished them from each other if only to find out which ones the parents liked better (or best in the case of more than two).
To be honest, I always thought my brother was the preferred child because he was so much more like my parents than I was. The idea of my being adopted did not occur to me. I just presumed that he, being older, had the inside track to the rules of being a kid while I was kept in the dark. He always did better than I did in school, too, and now I KNOW WHY: he was smarter than I! (and probably still is)
Tiffany Frank, a doctoral student at Adelphi University, has just published a study that seems to indicate that first born children score higher on tests of intelligence. Her study of 90 pairs of siblings in a diverse, New York high school and published by the American Psychological Association seems to bear that out. Siblings were asked questions concerning each other's intelligence, work ethic and academic performance and correlated all of that information with test and intelligence scores. No doubt: first born children scored better, but there is a catch.
It seems that later siblings actually did better in school in terms of grade point average than did their older siblings. Frank posits that the younger ones are more competitive and seek to outdo the first born children who had, if only briefly, the experience of all their parents' attention since they were only children for at least a year.
Well, Frank never met Fred and me.
We went in completely different directions, and I have yet to outdo him in anything. I recently admitted to him that I learned to write essays in school by copying an old notebook he had handed in a couple of years earlier. He dropped out of junior college while I have a master's degree. he earns about five times what I do and has yet to retire because his company provides stock options and incentives to keep him around. My school couldn't wait to hire somebody cheaper than me!
sigh.
At least my front tooth isn't chipped like his though I see he's finally given up wearing cutoff jeans.

Leggo My Ego

People like Bernie Madoff and other major league swindlers are so amazingly confident in their ability to fool people that I am always amazed when they get caught. Such massive egos usually don't figure they WILL get caught or at least think that they are immune from criticism and/or prosecution. With that as a backdrop, Chris Erskine, a columnist for the Los AngelesTimes has compiled a list of sports personalities whom he thinks rank at the top of the All-Ego list. He has provided a first and second team as well as a group designated as "Dishonorable Mention" candidates. See how many of these are choices with which you agree:
First Team (in order, I suspect)
LeBron James, Ben Roethlisberger, the entire NFL, Lance Armstrong, Mark Cuban, Jerry Jones, Free Agency, Mike Garrett and Rex Ryan.
Second Team All-Ego
Alex Rodriguez, The McCourts, Tiger Woods, Scott Boras, Carlos Zambrano, Chris berman, Serena Williams, Manny Ramirez, Kobe Bryant, Pete Carroll and Barry Bonds.
Dishonorable Mention
Nike, Ozzie Guillen, Jim Rome, Bob Costas, Yankees' fans and the French World Cup soccer team.

Erskine provides a rationale for all of his choices, and I must say that he is quite convincing! Check him out at the Times online site.

From the Mouths of Babes...

Art Linkletter made himself an American icon by interviewing children on television: he asked innocuous questions and waited for the invariable response that would send his audience into fits of laughter. Face it: kids are honest and say exactly what they think without filtering it as adults might be tempted to do. I think it also helped that the kids didn't really know him well enough to be wary. My experiences recently verify that point.
Over the weekend, I spent time with some nieces and nephews in Colorado...children under the age of ten whom I have not seen for a few years. Naturally, there was some roughhousing and rolling around on the floor. At one point, a 6-yr.old looked at me in all seriousness and asked, "Are you an adult?" I had to laugh before admitting that, in fact, I was only an adult "sometimes." The questioning continued with, "Do you drink beer?" I admitted that I did so on occasion, and the conversation ended. I still have no idea what the connection was, and his grandfather (my brother Fred) was equally mystified as to the context.
Today at the stadium, a group of six-year-olds from a YMCA was making the rounds of Lambeau Field. These groups are almost always the most challenging for tour guides since they really don't care about the history information and are generally most impressed with the elevator rides up and down as we move from place to place. As usual, prior to embarking on the actual tour, the rules had to be set down. With groups of children, they usually amount to "stay with your buddy" and "be quiet when I'm talking." As we were walking through the stadium immediately after the rules part, a young girl walked up to me professing the knowledge of yet another rule that had not been mentioned. Of course, I asked her what that might be.
"No farting in public."
Really.
Keeping a straight face was impossible. But then, it IS a good rule.

Be Careful What You Ask For

Most of the time, I like to keep my own counsel, reckoning that I know myself better than most. There are exceptions, however, and this pain-in-the-psyche essay is one of them. I think I write rather well...I always enjoy the process and hope that others can at least understand what I'm trying to say. But having a group of composition teachers-soon-to-be peers is daunting. Thus, I have turned to my two favorite editors to check my efforts prior to subjecting it to professional scrutiny.
Ryun has yet to finish with the fine tooth comb, but he will be brutally honest when he does, and I value everything he has to say. He is, quite frankly, the best writer I have ever encountered.
Kathleen, my other muse, looked over my effort in the airport as we were headed to Colorado the other day day.
She felt I was too wordy.
So, I will stop now.

Under the Gun

While a college student, I never really worried about the pressure of completing an assigned essay. It's not that I was so darned good at it hat I could simply start from scratch and finish an hour later, it's just that I didn't worry about the finished product so much. I was somewhat competent, I usually had good ideas, and professors probably didn't expect as much since I was a varsity athlete. Again, I was no slouch, but I just didn't worry about it. "Writer's block" really never occurred to me as problematic and (unfortunately) I never really did much more than one draft and a proofreading session. Now, I find my throat constricting, the pressure building, and my mind suddenly showing me old Loony Tunes cartoons instead of dealing with the serious topic of this essay I have to complete tomorrow.
Submitting an essay for an entire composition department to read is a daunting task. I generally don't care much what others think of me, but this is different, especially after the syllabus episode where I formulated a syllabus for my fall class, submitted it to the dean, only to have it come back to me with suggestions for correction! Gulp...and now I'm supposed to write a serious essay for ALL to read?
I have to admit: I'm a bit intimidated.
Not that I won't finish.
I have until 10 a.m. tomorrow morning to fine tune what I have (somewhat) begun. I refuse to stay up all night as I occasionally did in college...not after working two ten-hour shifts at the stadium. I need to be fresh and clear-headed.
That means I'll probably wake up at 9:30 and rush through yet another writing sample.
By the time the dean reads it, I'll be in Colorado and oblivious to anything resembling written criticism.
Or, perhaps I'll start right now.
Wish me luck.

Moo, Moo for B.Y.U.

Grade inflation, greater dropout rates and lost opportunities upon graduation are all ominous facets of college life these days. The lockstep of going to college, getting a job, getting married and having children while living in suburbia and contributing to the overall social fabric of our great country seems to have gone the way of Leave It To Beaver. Mind you, I'm not espousing that as the only path to achieving the American Dream, but it seems to have worked out for a generation or more of Americans. There is, however, a constant throughout the university setting: party time.
Today's students are no different from their predecessors in that a major focus on campus deals with the social life. For some, perhaps it's the ONLY focus...which leads, perhaps, to the falling graduation rates! Anyway, when seeking out an institution of higher learning, prospective students often check out the school's party quotient.
It's gotten so pervasive that the Princeton Review annually publishes a list of the top party schools based on the following criteria:
alcohol consumption
drug use
average number of hours spent studying
popularity of fraternities and sororities

While I'm sure the formula for "success" is complicated, each of those factors plays a part. One school may score high (so to speak) on drug use but low on frat popularity. You see how this works? OK, so here is a taste of this year's crop of "top" colleges in reverse order from 10-1:
10. DePauw University
9. U of Iowa
8. California
7. U of Florida
6. U of Texas
5. U of Mississippi
4. West Virginia U
3. Penn State U
2. Ohio State U
1. U of Georgia

What's missing? Our Badgers, of course. In spite of State Street and the 5th quarter, the Badgers failed to make the top 10! DePauw? Are you kidding me? I'm red with shame.
However, if you want to be a serious student, I would suggest Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah.
It finished as the #3 school with the most conservative students.
It was also the top school for having the most religious students as well as the NUMBER ONE university in the nation in per capita consumption of...milk.
Take that, Bulldogs!

Who Needs REAL Friends?

Fourteen-year-old Bethany Mota is much like other teens: she's tech savvy, and she loves to shop...which according to some, are the two favorite activities of Generation Y. However, she is unlike many of her peers in how she combines the two. See, Bethany is among the growing list of "haulers."
This burgeoning population is comprised mostly of teenage girls and young women who describe themselves as "fashionistas" and want to prove it by using the internet to broadcast YouTube videos of themselves discussing their latest purchases or what they see as the next big things in fashion. Mind you, this is not some small splinter group: there are more than 200,000 "hauling" videos on YouTube. (The word comes from what shoppers describe as their "haul" at the mall.) The videos run the gamut, and Bethany's biggest hit (in terms of numbers of hits) was her discussion of the spring and summer fashions. This video had more than 96,000 views. Really.
Of course, the retailers have noticed. JC Penney and Marshall's department stores have already offered "haulers" free merchandise if they will allow them to post on Facebook or YouTube. And these girls are cashing in...in a manner of speaking. Forever 21 and Urban Outfitters are both sponsoring contests to find the best of these videos for prizes of...what else? fashion items.
In the old days, kids would call their friends on the phone or drop over to their house just to show off the new stuff. There would be pajama parties during which (I'm told) fashion tips were exchanged as well as decisions made as to who was currently going with whom or who was no longer cool. With the new technology, teens don't even have to wait until the first bell to show off their new stuff or to foist their opinions about what matters on everyone with a computer...and apparently, these opinions DO matter.
Sorry, but I don't get it.
Anyone who uses the descriptor "cute" 27 times in a 7:33 video about nail polish as Bethany did would seem to be a bit vocab-challenged or tremendously self-absorbed...but then, this IS GenY I'm writing about.
I cannot believe we're all such slaves to the whims of designers...but then, my wardrobe isn't much different from the 18-year-old baller except I actually have shirts that are designed to be worn tucked in, and I wear belts. Most of the time, I prefer to keep my own fashion counsel (often to the dismay of those around me).
But, as comic Judy Tenuta (or Tenuda) once said reasoning why she never joined a sorority: "I already HAD a personality."
I wan;t be hauling anything any time soon...including the new look corduroy blazer for fall.