Playing Fast & Loose With the English Language

SERIOUSLY, THIS DOESN'T HURT ME AT ALL! (said the dentist)

Sarcasm/irony...innuendo...double entendre...outright lies. There are many ways we tend to abuse the language for our own benefit. Most of the time, this sleight-of-tongue is harmless as in the case of little white lies or ironic jokes between friends, but sometimes, misusing the language on purpose is downright abhorrent. Here are some examples of what I mean which were bandied about carelessly in the dentist's office today.

"Really, having a tooth extracted is no big deal. It will be over before you know it." This was, of course, before all the crunching, cracking and fragmentation of my tooth as it proved far more difficult than expected. Digging it out in pieces was NOT what I was promised.

"You'll feel a little pinch" Really? I'm going to buy that as you come at me with a six-inch long needle, aiming to skewer the inside of my mouth four or five times? I've also heard this maneuver described as a "poke," as well. I know from Facebook that a poke doesn't hurt, and this definitely DID hurt. Of course, I'm somewhat of a sissy with regard to face pain.

"You'll feel a lot of pressure" which translated into, "If I break your lower jaw off, I'll try to put it back together after I take my knee off your chest because, gosh, that tooth is really in there."

"You're doing great," really means "Stop shaking and crying like a little baby, you sissy. Try to man up a bit here, will you? All this quivering is making it likely that I'll pull the wrong tooth. Here, bite on this bullet."

"You'll feel a little sore for the next couple of days." This was merely a blind for "Yes, I've just dug all the way to your kneecaps, and that scraping sound was me moving this scalpel across your jawbone. Fortunately, you won't feel anything for three hours until the painkiller wears off; then, it'll hurt like hell for a week."

Fortunately, I am used to various machinations involving language so I was able to interpret these statements correctly.

"Would you like to make an appointment to discuss an implant?" was merely doublespeak for "Let me get the big drill out so I can do this again in a month or so."

Can't fool me.