Odysseus and the I.R.S.

Today marked the second notification I've gotten indicating that my economic stimulus plan check is forthcoming. I think the government spent somewhere in the millions to notify us in the first place (as if THAT news wouldn't travel fast enough without a personal note!). By now, I suspect many folks already have gotten their money and have spent it on things like...say...a few loaves of bread (no multiplied fish, however) and gas for a week. Since I have not gotten mine, I presume the powers that be figure that just maybe I'll forget I have it coming so they can donate it to the McCain campaign or something. Anyway, guilt finally overcame them, and the word is that I should get the dough within a few days. If I do not, there's a special number I'm supposed to call. I tried it tonight, and it was simply two minutes worth of canned laughter. Anyway, that's not the issue: the issue is the fine print. The government letter today mentioned in no uncertain terms that I must be SURE to claim this money as income on my next tax return!!!
"Let's just mess with them...we'll give them money in order to make ourselves look good, then we'll take it back when somebody else is in charge!"
No matter what tax bracket you're in, you'll owe the government something for accepting their cash. Let's see...could they have given me, say, 25% less and NOT taxed me? Would that have been a more efficient idea? Sure, but what fun would that be for the IRS? God knows thumb screws are no longer tools of the trade. Ok, I guess I DO come out slightly ahead in money if not in emotional stability...better than having Odysseus after me.
You're thinking (I know you are), what the hell does Odysseus have to do with my stimulus rebate/tax deal? Everything, and that's why I'm not going to complain too loudly. See, two scientists, Marcelo Magnasco of Rockefeeler University in New York and Constantine Baikouzis of the Astronomical Observatory (reputedly a REALLY big building) in La Plata, Argentina, recently announced that they had calculated the return date of Odysseus from the Trojan War: the date on which he slew all the would-be suitors for his wife's obvious charms. Based on calculations of phenomena mentioned by Homer such as an eclipse, the two figured that Odysseus returned and recaptured his wife on April 16, 1178 B.C. The scientists describe meteorological occurrences mentioned by Homer which occurred 33 days before the supposed event, 29 days before the event, six days before the event and the aforementioned eclipse on the day of the event. Looking more closely, I see the real reason Odysseus killed all those guys with arrows and spears, and it will be obvious to all when I tell you that one day before the event was April 15: the last day to file income tax for the year. It is my theory that the men slain were late in filing their taxes, and the government hired Odysseus to collect the taxes or administer the penalty. Makes sense, doesn't it? I'm not messing with the I.R.S. and you shouldn't either. Take your stimulus check, pay the taxes and keep the front gate locked.