Parlor Spider...Step In, Little Fly

Insightful thoughts and/or rants from atop the soapbox from one who wishes to share the "right" opinion with everyone.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

CSI: Green Bay



WANTED: expert sleuth who can uncover the mystery behind the missing sofa (no, NOT the change under the cushions, the actual sofa).
For those of you who think Green Bay is just another Midwestern town where the sidewalks get rolled up at sundown (and the girls are get prettier at closing time)and the worst thing that ever happens is out-of-control kids keeping library books 'WAY past the due date, think again. We have real crime here.
I was alerted to this fact by Troy (a one-time suspect, I suspect) when I went to the local university tonight to assist him in putting the final touches on an essay concerning death themes in popular music videos. Finding all the doors locked to the athletics offices, Troy had to bang on the door to get my attention to come and let him in, and I remarked how unusual it was not to have the main door open. He indicated that this was due to the recent crime wave in which someone had spirited away a couch from the fitness center in the building over the past weekend. This couch was located upstairs near the aerobic fitness area (though why we ever needed a couch there to begin with is another mystery...perhaps for the couch potatoes who wanted to exercise but just couldn't peel themselves off the couch to do it)
Since the basketball guys were in the building on Sunday to shoot around, they were naturally the first suspected, but that led nowhere. Here are the facts as I know them:
1. When the building is open, there is someone who sits at the desk by the door. No chance to sneak a couch out.
2. The couch was up a serious flight of stairs though located next to an elevator which could have taken the perps to a lower level loading area.
3. When the building is closed, one needs a key to get in...swipe cards won't do it.
Hence, the basketball guys had to be let in by a coach on Sunday.
4. Nobody missed the couch until Monday so the time frame is huge for the theft to have taken place.
5. All students must have their ID swiped when they come into the building, but NOT when they leave...thus, hiding somewhere until everyone has gone and pilfering the couch is a distinct possibility.
6. No one person could have perpetrated the theft...Let's see...two people carrying a couch across the parking lot in the darkness...is that suspicious?

Here's what I would do. First, I would check Craig's List in Green Bay for recent couch offerings (seriously, would YOU keep a couch you had just purloined from the university IN YOUR DORM ROOM?). EBay, of course, is another possibility. Next, I would check all the break rooms on campus...just in case...followed by a surprise inspection of all dorm rooms and professors' offices (hey, it could be anybody!) I also intend to peruse the campus newspaper for headlines such as "University Makes Head Couching Change" just in case it's part of a madcap student prank.
The case is wide open at this point, so feel free to come to Green Bay and gain international fame by ferreting out the weasels who took the couch. (I say it was Mr. Mustard in the library with the hand truck)

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