"It's Their Idea of...Fun"

If you've ever seen "Fearless Vampire Killers" (Sharon Tate's last movie before...Chuckles Manson, and Roman Polanski's last movie before he made a hasty retreat from this country to avoid child enticement charges), the title makes no sense. In that case, stop reading this right now and go to the nearest Blockbuster or wherever you rent movies and get this one. It's hilarious.
Anyway, you know how parents are always trying to convince kids that certain chores are really fun and not just work? Kids, if they're young enough, sometimes fall for that trick, but most of us sooner than later realize we've been had and come up with a plethora of reasons why we cannot complete said task...most of us. My buddy Mike is the exception to the standard. He is totally serious about making every chore a game, a challenge or some kind of fun. He's got younger kids, so I understand, but HE DOES THIS WHEN HE'S ALONE, TOO! Today's installment might be the most head-shaking example yet.
The conversation began simply enough with him describing how he gets his kids to do chores much like his dad convinced him: it could be fun. I was munching on the sausage pizza, nodding in agreement...until he got to the lawn mowing example, See, he times himself with a stopwatch every time he mows his lawn...and more. He purposely does not use the self-propelled function on his mower so he can get a better workout. He does not bag the grass because it would slow him down, and he doesn't get too close to the swing set legs, etc. because that,too, takes away from his finish time. Crazy? Not by a long shot: he also records his time every week and has a written copy of all his past finishes! He has a personal record and is actually disappointed if he's more than a minute off his best time.
By this point in the story, I've coughed up three chunks of sausage that I've begun to choke on while laughing hysterically at his story...AND HE IS COMPLETELY SERIOUS! He sees nothing odd about his behavior and insists that this is normal! I mean, I can usually tell how long it will take to mow the lawn, but I don't have a PR, and I certainly don't keep a written record of my accomplishments in that area. Mike just shook his head in wonder that I would find his story in any way out of the ordinary...now soda was coming out of my nose, and I had to get up and grab more napkins; it was not the onions that brought tears to my eyes, either.
Just to check, I asked him if he had experimented with different mowing patterns in case one way might be faster; to which he replied with a detailed outline of his yard (on a napkin) illustrating how his method was absolutely the fastest possible way. I persisted, "Well, did you ever, at least, mow in the opposite direction to alleviate boredom and keep the grass from permanently bending in one direction?"
"Boredom?" was his response. "I'm never bored mowing the lawn because I have the stopwatch to keep me going." He also proudly professed to have the shortest lawn in town and the lawn that went brown the fastest in his neighborhood.
In the interest of fairness, I subsequently asked a few people about their lawn-mowing habits; not one even had any idea of the fastest time ever (though many knew approximately how long it took), and a majority of them responded very quickly with, "Uh, I've gotta get going now."
And my wife calls me crazy for swearing at dandelions as I dig them up and toss them unceremoniously to the curb! Now, THAT'S fun!