Gotta Lose? Get Arrested in Alabama!

I must admit that since I've restructured my life and become somewhat more sedentary, I have added a few pounds...enough to necessitate some wardrobe adjustments. The time to exercise just slips away when I'm not in a gym 7 hours a day like I used to be. I know G-Man is trying to drop a few so he can fit into a Hawaiian shirt for his brother's wedding in a couple of weeks, and Joseph has stopped drining Powerade because of the high-fructose corn syrup (a sneaky fat builder hiding under the radar). Even my twice-a-year lunch buddy Dan has cut back on the soda and the fast food and is trying to eat more healthy (which makes for lunches in places where they have two forks and linen napkins at every place setting, though I'm not sure how many of those places exist in Green Bay...or even more important, wopuld they let us in?).
Anyway, I have a perfect suggestion for all of us: we need to get arrested in Alabama: nothing major, mind you, just enough to make the county crowbar hotel for a couple of weeks. It seems that the state of Alabama portions out $1.75 for each prisoner's food EVERY DAY (note: not every meal, even, every day!). Let me see, that would make a 3 Musketeers bar and a Diet Coke or something similar, without free refills on the soda...oops, which we are definitely NOT drinking anyway.
The standard was set in 1927 and allowed local constables the keep any money they did not spend on food for the cons. Well, I suppose in 1927 a sheriff could make some cash by careful manipulation of the food portions, but now? No way.
It's not surprising, of course, that complaints about the food are widespread: everything from powdered food to miniscule portions. But, hey, YOU'RE IN JAIL NOT AT THE MARRIOTT!
However, should I be arrested, I want to be in the hoosegow in Limestone, Alabama. Prisoners get three meals a day during the week and only two on the weekends. However, a typical day's menu looks like this:
BREAKFAST: 2 pancakes w/syrup, sausage and milk.
LUNCH: peanut butter sandwich (no jelly?), chips and Kool-Aid
DINNER: white beans, turnip greens (it IS in the South, after all), fried squash (see?), cornbread and sweet tea. Heck, the McDonald's in Green Bay just got sweet tea on the menu.
Not bad, but the Feds give every school district $2.47 to feed kids on free lunch. Imagine what they could do in Limestone with that kind of cabbage!
I have no doubt that we'd be dropping the pounds like we were starring in a liposuction commercial. I'll bet people are falling all over themselves getting arrested there instead of paying Jenny all that money to lose weight. And the real beauty? NO OPPORTUNITY TO SNACK!
All this food talk has made me hungry. I'm off for come Cheetos.