Being Popular: A New Experience

It's not that I've never been popular...it's just that the circumstances were always a bit suspect. All the kids in the neighborhood were the same age as my older brother Fred so,naturally, I got excluded from those gatherings. Following Fred through grade school didn't help, either, since all I heard was, "Why can't you be more like Fred?" The fact was, I would have loved to be more like him: he was popular; he had places to go and people to go there with. But it was not to be. Thus, I played a lot of catch with God and a football: I'd kick it up, and He'd throw it back to me, though He wasn't always as accurate as I wanted Him to be. Retrieving a ball from the neighbor's garden and blaming the errant flight on The Divine Power just didn't sit well with the members of the religious right who lived around us. Oh, sure, the city librarians liked me; they kept MY book, Lank of the Little League out on the desk so that every week when I came to check it out, I wouldn't have to go back into the stacks looking for it. Oh yeah, and our family dog liked me: he used to frantically chase me around all day trying to get the steak that Mom had tied to my ankle. So, it wasn't like I was totally ALONE. I mean, we even had a radio I could listen to. Now that I've become the object of desire, it's a heady experience: they all want me, and it's just because of the ESP I happen to possess. I knew it would happen, of course, but it's still nice.
Three days ago, the offers started to trickle in, and soon, I know (because of my ESP) that the trickle will soon become a torrent.
Wal-Mart, you see, has agreed to cash my Economic Stimulus Plan check for FREE! They are willing to forego their customary $3.00 charge for cashing checks if I will agree to bring my ceck from the Federal Government to their business in order to turn it into actual money. Always the low price leader!
Soon, Round's Food Corp followed suit with an even sweeter deal: if I bring my check to their establishment, they will give me a $330.00 food card for $300.00! "Definitely food for thought," I mused.Is that a sign of my burgeoning popularity or what? I mean 10% just for being their friend...I could not believe it could get any better...until it did. Today, my new friends at Circuit City offered to take 15% off my purchase if I'd bring in my ESP check.
Now, of course, I am hesitating while waiting for more new BFF to come out of the woodwork saying that, really, they've always liked me better than Fred, and they're willing to use money to prove it.
If only my FaceBook page contained so many friends. Tom is actually somewhat boring.