Forewarned Is Forearmed...Maybe

It all began in 1992 with a woman named Stella Liebeck, a resident of Albuquerque, New Mexico. She wanted coffee, went through the McDonald's drive-up facility, and got some joe. Being the careful driver she was, she then drove off, using both hands for the steering wheel (something my wife claims I need as well). She placed the coffee between her legs on the seat as she drove away. You can imagine the made-for-Dr. Phil-TV result in more graphic detail than I can use to describe it: coffee spill, third-degree burns in sensitive areas, and a lawsuit, not to mention an ambarrassing stain on the seat which she probably felt obligated to explain EVERY time she picked up her carpool. The end result for Americans in general, is that we now have warning labels on EVERYTHING as well as a gaggle of legal experts ready, willing and able to take on any company which dares NOT to affix a warning to its products.
Now we have computerized maps inside our cars with warning labels that read "watching this screen while the vehicle is in motion can lead to a serious accident." Like I'm going to pull over every block just to look at the directions! Fortunately, the expensive ones actually talk to me, but since the voice sounds a lot like the exasperated tone my wife uses when I drive, I usually ignore it. (Shouting "Do YOU want to drive? at the top of my lungs really doesn't affect the navigation screen all that much)
Robert B Dorigo Jones has compiled an astounding array of manufacturers' warnings in a book entitled Remove Child Before Folding: 101 of the Stupidest, Silliest and Wackiest Warning Labels Ever. He even sponsors a yearly contest to find these gems...nothing like having everybody else write your book for you!
So as not to take his thunder, I'll submit a few samples from his entertaining text.

1. A fishing lure with three hooks came with this warning label: "Harmful if swallowed." It's a good thing we have iliterate fish in these parts.

2. A sharp knife posting this caveat: "Do not attempt to catch a falling knife." I've known that since I learned mumbledypegs from a guy named Lefty.

3. A heat-emitting gun which peels paint using 1,000-degree heat points out to potential users: "Do not use this instrument as a hair dryer." Frizz, frizz, frizz.

So, I began to ruminate about other items which might require a warning to fend off the unwary, and I have a few which Ralph Nader should undertake.

1. Outlook Express, Yahoo Instant Messenger et al. really need this warning attached:
"Think before you hit the 'SEND' button. Failure to do so may well cost you your job, a heretofore positive relationship and leave you smacking yourself in the forehead over yet another bonehead e-mail. Loser!"

2. Credit cards of ANY kind should be required to post this warning every time the card gets used: "You have just spent REAL MONEY. We know it doesn't seem like it because this card is plastic, but you WILL HAVE TO PAY at a later date, and the interest rate might just involve your first-born child. Don't be fooled into thinking we can't find where you live if we need to. There is no escape. Reconsider for a moment, please."

3. Red Bull, Rock Star and ALL energy drinks need bigger containers so they can post this notice to would-be consumers: " The major component of this drink is taurine...bull urine! Drink responsibly. Getting your Goose on in combination with this product might well lead you to several poor decisions such as attempting to get the 'real thing' out in some pasture (if it tastes this good in Stoli, how great would it taste right from the "manufacturer"?), giving rise to a new form of cow-tipping; you might well find, too, that the heifers all get prettier at closing time. This, also is fraught with danger. The next thing you know, there's a herd at your house, if you get our drift. Seriously, is being THAT amped really worth it?"

So you see, it's a dangerous world out there kiddies. Don't say I didn't warn you...or as my mother used to say, "If you go fooling around and break your leg, don't come running to me!"