Pressure Tots? Absolutely!

Take fossil fuel and put it under pressure for thousands of years, and what do you get? (no, not E-85 fuel) A diamond, of course. It is for this reason that we MUST begin to pressure our kids as soon as possible...they don't HAVE a thousand years to turn into a diamond, or a swan, or a doctor or pro athlete. Pressure can't begin soon enough. That's where Team Baby Entertainment comes in. By the way, if you thought Michael Eisner was gone, think again: he's the money behind this operation. The latest must-have from this group is a 30-minute DVD featuring your favorite university. While deals with NASCAR, the NBA and Major League Baseball are in the works, currently this "entertainment' features 19 NCAA teams. The mascot comes on, scenes follow of cute kids in university attire interacting in a fun way, the marching band creating a frenzied (though not drunken) crowd, etc. etc.According to Greg Scheinman, a Michigan grad, this DVD is a "fun, enjoyable (is there a distinction?), entertaining product parents (and presumably grandparents) can watch with their kids. By building a university imprint in a toddler, one can guarantee the kind of loyalty that brings families together tearfully holding hands and singing the alma mater at every reunion. The child is preprogrammed to love everything about that institution and, eventually, retain the family honor by attending said university. Lest you think this is some passing fad, MarketResearch.com indicates that in 2004 the "kidvid" business brought in 4.8 billion dollars. According to the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, marketers spent more than $15 billion last year promoting things just like this.
Susan Linn of the CC-FC says, "To me, this is just one more step in the escalation of getting kids hooked on media."
Scheinman says that the interaction can be educational as the tots learn to spell, identify numbers and distinguish specific colors. I can see the easy identification with teams like Colorado (Buffaloes), Florida (Gators), Texas (Longhorns) or even Wisconsin (Badgers). But what if you wish your favorite child to attend UC-Santa Clara? (Banana Slugs) Come on! Or, what about St. John's? Is the Red Storm a communist organization or a meteorological phenomena on Mars? A Buckeye? The Shockers? (Wichita State: cattle prods extra. Wheat shocks really don't have eyes, either)It goes on and on. Do I want my dear child to be loyal to all Fighting Irish people? Let's just promote an ethnic stereotype here...geez.
Counting would be OK, though...how many automatic weapons were found in the car of YOUR favorite college team's player? How many hazing incidents occurred on MySpace.com at YOUR school this year? How many drunken fans were removed from your school's student section after they began pelting the field with detrius? How many of your favorite school's players had jersey numbers higher than their SAT scores, or how many of them got credit from a professor on a one-to-one basis?
Color identification might be a struggle. Take the aforementioned Notre Dame deal: My tot has just learned the school colors of blue and gold; good for him/her. Then, St. Patrick's Day comes along, and the costume of the day is green? Are you willing to say that St. Patrick, an actual (some say) SAINT, didn't get the color for Ireland right? Of course, the Green Bay Packers also had blue and gold uniforms from 1919 through most of the 50s, and there WAS the Dan Devine thing against USC in which ND actually used green jerseys to upset the Trojans (again, fighting people or condoms? Take your pick).
I no longer have tots to pressure, but I have two words for those of you who are thinking about buying this DVD to force-feed to your favorite kidling: Marv Marinovich