Parlor Spider...Step In, Little Fly

Insightful thoughts and/or rants from atop the soapbox from one who wishes to share the "right" opinion with everyone.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Dodged a Bullet Here!

Most people fail to understand the dark side of certain creatures. Oh sure, we ALL know about vampires, werewolves and those people that ring your doorbell, religious tract in hand. We usually are very aware of walking through deserted streets or graveyards at night, and we almost always lock our doors to forestall any intrusion by brain-eating zombies. Sadly, though, most of us are totally oblivious to the danger that lurks right outside in the flowerbeds. I'm referring to the ever-increasing horde of wild animal that is threatening our very existence; no, not the Burmese python that has overrun the Everglades to such an extent that most mammals have been wiped out as well as a fair number of alligators and neighbors' poodles. I'm referring to what I consider to be America's number one wild animal problem: rabbits. Oh sure, they're cute with all that hopping and twitching, and it would not be Easter (heretofore a religious holiday) without Peter Cottontail pooping eggs all over the place, and probably Peeps as well.The Disney people have given us characters such as Thumper as a way to make the critters seem more disarming, but the fact is, it's not just the plants they are eating. Gardeners everywhere, of course, decry the yearly intrusion of rabbits into newly-flowering gardens. They nibble the choicest parts of tulips just as these harbingers of spring arrive. In many cases, the destroyers only nibble enough to kill the plant as it blooms, then leave the rest. They are seem to be selective as well, nibbling parts of various plants and spitting out the distasteful ones like daffodils. This year, a tomato plant fell victim to the scourge of multiplicity, so at long last, I considered it my duty to try to eradicate the vermin. Putting pepper around plants is supposed to rebuff the buffet, but there were just too many massing in the yard to ignore. Rather than wage war with pellet guns, swords and arrows, I decided to do the Marlon Perkins thing and trap them alive, releasing them in a wooded area as fodder for the hawks, foxes and geese (I know geese probably don't hunt rabbits, but I needed a third local critter, and all the raccoon seem to get squashed on the road). Of course, releasing the dangerous rabbit into the wild is an exercise fraught with peril since, upon release, one is just as likely to rip out a captor's throat as trot off into the safety of the woods. I know this because I saw it in a movie once (see YouTube URL below). Fortunately, I am alive today to tell the tale. Having detained the voracious creature, thrashing wildly, in a wire trap (it not me), I carefully lifted it into the back of my car and drove to the nearest wooded area alongside the university golf course. Helmeted, gloved and covered in kevlar, I cautiously opened the trap, fully expecting a vicious assault by the maddened rodent/killer, and, for a moment, it looked as if it wanted to gorge itself on my flesh. Ultimately, though, it hippety-hopped its way into the trees seeking out those less-protected golfers on the fifth fairway. As it bounded away, I made sure to shout, "Watch out.There are geese all over the golf course!"


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