Mystery Solved...Years Too Late

To say I never had a lot of friends growing up would be something of an understatement. I mean, I was on a first-name basis with the local library staff, and name-it-and-claim-it radio shows were about the most entertainment I could find. Oh sure, Bullet the Wonder Dog would play with me...as long as Mom tied a steak bone around my leg! And don't even think about girls in this equation; even though THEY were the ones with cooties, I might as well have been leprosy walking for all the attention I got from the girls in school. Now, years and years too late, I find out why. During the "wonder years" ("I wonder what the hell's wrong with me"),I had seriously checked myself out in the deodorant department and the complexion facet, but little did I know these were not the things that would have made me irresistible to the girls. According to Yahoo news today (I mean, it's on the internet, it HAS to be true!) there are seven attributes a guy must have in order to gain the eye of a comely lass or two. Turns out to be a shopping list of what I didn't (and probably still don't) have. To my shame, here's the list:

1. Be able to master the "Richard Gere" wink. Forget it...as possessor of a lazy eye to begin with,I had no shot at this one. I could, however, wiggle my ears; this scored points with Bullet but that was it.

2. A hot guy supposedly radiates calm. I doubt I've ever been calm more than fifteen minutes at a time in my whole life. All this time, I thought being "passionate" about life was a positive...chicks, apparently, didn't like it.

3. The irresistible guy "takes care of himself." OK, I'm in the ballpark here. I used to take a bath every week, and I brushed my teeth regularly. Having big feet and being terminally skinny probably offset those traits, though.

4. The right type of guy has his own "style" which indicates who he is and what he's "into." Please...growing up in Kansas and I was supposed to develop "style"? Totally screwed here. Now, however, I HAVE actually developed a style which is displayed by my choice of clothing and my desire not to interact with actual people. It's called "I'm cooler online." Thanks to Kenny Chesney for the line, BTW.

5.Women really go for a guy who has a "manly scent." A spritz (but not two) of cologne apparently sends just the right message of availability and coolness. I sweat a lot and still have that barely spritzed 3 oz. bottle of "Brut" from high school. Note to self: "spritz up tomorrow."

6. Women cannot resist a man who's affectionate. One show of affection (apparently) is for a man to reach out and touch his sweetie's leg while driving. I tried that today and got "Hands at 10 and 2, please." Of course, the metro male can also say things like "I love you" as well. I can do that, but it's just easier to text it when she least expects it...like right in the middle of an important meeting with her boss.

7. Finally, some hope for me, albeit years and years too late. The guy all the girls want laughs loud, hard and often. That's me. I once tried to count how many times I laughed in a day and was over 100 by ten in the morning. I still laugh a lot, especially when I realize how totally dorky I am and how amazingly lucky I am to have a sweetie who doesn't especially mind that I'm not irresistible to women.

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday, Fred.