Closet Olympians

a disappointing 7.1 from the Russian judge

Most people never get any closer to the Olympics than the price of admission. For us, here's an alternative: The Redneck Games (originally "The Bubba Olympics").
The beginnings of this event coincided with the Atlanta Olympic Games in 1996. Southerners got tired of hearing how "The Games" would be a disaster since it was being run by a bunch of rednecks, and radio station WQZY in East Dublin, Georgia, saw an opportunity too good to pass up.
With events like Bobbing for Pig's Feet, Redneck Horseshoes (featuring toilet seats), Dumpster Diving, Hubcap Tossing and the ever-popular Mud-pit Belly Flop, the event has been going strong for ten years. Any event that features a Big Hair contest (are you getting this Luxemburg girls?) and Musical Armpits has my vote for Festival of the Year. Fried alligator on a stick and the lighting of the ceremonial gas grill by a character named L-Bow make this one jim dandy event. It is, as one might imagine, family-oriented in a Southern tradition right down to the cost of entry: $5 per carload. This definitely conjures up memories from drive-in movie excursions of my childhood. The winners get trophies of crushed Bud Light cans mounted carefully atop a pedestal. What's NOT to like?
It has even spawned similar contests in places like Athens, Texas, which offers additional events like Mattress Chuck, in which two guys heave a mattress out of the bed of a pickup as well as a contest dealing with butt cracks (trust me...you don't want to know).
At least in Texas (the state which leads the nation in capital crime executions), law enforcement takes a somewhat dim view of the goings-on. This year there were 60 arrests for a variety of offense ranging from public intoxication (ya think?) to illegal dumping (someone should have been in charge of picking up the mattresses), but organizers seem somewhat mystified by the whole deal since over 6,000 folks showed up to bolster the local economy.
Sad to say, both events are over for the year, but it's not too early to begin training for next year's games. The Redneck Games in Goergia are held during the first week in July, and the Athens (now THERE'S a name for a city hosting the Olympics!) games take place in early August, giving one time, I suspect, to recuperate between major competitions.
WQZY even lists a toll-free number 800-272-4422 AND a website www.wqzy.com for your convenience. There is an hilarious YouTube video to check out at youtube.com/watch?v=jGOH-eUe-zE
I'm going to start training today. See you there, dadgummit!