Dante's Inferno: 2007

Things have definitely changed since the 1300's. There is little fear in most people of having to spend eternity lying in mud with a rain of filth and excrement falling on them. Likewise, walking around forever with ones head on backwards really doesn't cause many of us to repent these days. Having wounds that continualy open and close until "never" happens just isn't scary enough to make us all into believers. Sorry, Dante, it's time to update. I know I rail against modern movie makers who redo Shakespeare in East L.A. and call it by the original title. At least "West Side Story" wasn't called "Romeo and Juliet: NYC." Anyway, it's time to update the levels of hell in terms that we can all understand and be righteously afraid to face. These will straighten out even the most hardened sinner:

1. LEVEL ONE: This is for the minor transgressors. They will have to drive an airport cart for all eternity listening to that annoying "beep, beep, beep" 24/7.

2. LEVEL TWO: These people will arrive at their destinations, get off a plane with no luggage and be underdressed for the cold or wearing a sweater in the heat: FOREVER. Plus, when they get back home, their car won't start.

3. LEVEL THREE: (God is starting to get a bit ticked at these folks) These sinners will be required to arise at 4 a.m. every day to get to the airport two hours early only to have a computer glitch ground their flight for three hours. And this will happen overandoverandoverandover...well, you get it.

4. LEVEL FOUR: (some serious offenders here) For all time, these faithless are doomed to be seated in the very last row on every flight (no seat recliners) with a crying baby right in the middle seat and an inattentive parent on the aisle. Every flight will be tenth in line on the tarmac so the air conditioning is turned off and the "fasten seat belt" sign is turned on. Interminably!

5. LEVEL FIVE: (you get no breaks here) As reparation for sin, these folks will be delayed on the first flight of the day, sprint across the vastness of O'Hare International Airport from Terminal A to Terminal C only to find "Cancelled" on the board next to their connecting flight. Racing back to terminal A, they discover that Orbitz won't help, and the friendly customer service agent indicates that acts of God do not qualify the traveller for any free food or connecting flight or anything...ever.

6. LEVEL 6: (you should have thought of behaving yourself before this!) As the flight takes off, headphones immediately drop down and attach themselves permanently to the travellers' ears. Until the end of time, these unfortunates are doomed to listen to the "3-1-1" announcement concerning just how the TSA wants folks to bag their liquids for safe flying. That's a QUART ZIPLOC BAG not a Hefty sandwich bag or a Tupperware container!

7. LEVEL 7: (Give up hope all ye who enter here) As flight after flight is cancelled, these sad sacks must resign themselves to trying to catch some sleep on one of the terminal seats: those with pointy armrests designed to slice heads open; seats with low back rests and seats in between a guy spitting chewing tobacco into a cup (mostly) and a transient who just found his place to sleep for the week.

8. LEVEL 8: (seriously, you DON'T want to be here) Those most deserving of punishment forever and ever are required to serve Cinnabons to idiotic jerks who think they should be able to get a single mini when everyone on earth (and in hell) knows you can only get those in a six-pack. Furthermore, these damned souls look foreign so when the customer can't get what he wants, he continually shouts "Como dice bullshit!" over and over and over, then he repeats that clever line to all the customers standing in line over and over and over.

Can you tell I just spent hours in an airport?
I know if these were the rules, I'd behave a LOT better!