Want Some Cheese With That?

Well, the big experiment is over. After a lengthy study, the not-so-lengthy trial is over. Not even halfway into the new era of the NBA, the new ball is dead...to be replaced by the old standard leather ball on January first. Commissioner Stern and the NBA brain trust heavily promoted the new ball as one that would be less slick when wet and thus eliminate turnovers and make the game more high-powered (if you call four guys standing around while Kobe goes one-on-five high powered!). The reason the expensive new plan is being scrapped? The players whined about it. Shaq opined that it was like playing with an outdoor playground ball. Some compared it to something one would find at a discount store. Steve Nash (who I think is a great player, by the way) complained that the ball cut his hands. He must have gotten the "Goldfinger" edition where the razor edge could be used to slice his way through opponents. Anyway, I thought of all the innovations during basketball's history and imagined how today's players might have reacted.

1891 Dr. James Naismith invents the game in Springfield, MA by putting up peach baskets on the wall of a gym. The Players' Association immediately complained because the baskets made the ball and, their hands, smell funny. They hold out for something more manly, like bushel baskets used to carry corn.

1896 The first game in which players were paid. Each member of the Trenton Basket Ball (yes, it WAS two words at the time) team and the Brooklyn YMCA received $15 for their efforts. The Players' Association protested the fact that the captains got $16 and demanded parity for all players. As a result, non-starters were relegated to taking tickets for their extra dollar. ( I made that part up)

1896 The first official women's basketball game was played between Stanford and Cal. Stanford prevailed 2-1 in a nailbiter. The men's Player's Association complained that the crowds were bigger for the women's games because they got to wear skirts. The men sued for the right to wear really skimpy shorts for future contests (known in later years as the Havlichek Rule).

1905 Rules were amended to define the number of players allowed on the floor to five. Previous to this, as many as 50 players were allowed on the court at once. This change was demanded by the Players' Association because there were too many people and not enough $15-dollar game checks available.

1915 Rules were changed which allowed the dribbler to shoot the ball. Players' Association objected saying that this would force every player to play defense. This argument is still in courts as one can tell by watching the NBA play.

1936 Rules were changed to eliminate the jump ball after every made basket. Only half of the Players' Association challenged this rule: the tall guys who'd been on the rack for two years in order to enhance their stature.

1944 The NBA implemented a 3-second lane to discourage players from actually pounding tent stakes into the floor and setting up camp under the basket. The Players' Association protested loudly because they were getting kickbacks from the Coleman Company as well as local firewood purveyors. Not surprisingly, though, this allowed local fire departments to actually fight residential fires.

1949 The National Basketball Association officially began play as a league. Players' Association immediately registers a complaint because they STILL have to wear really short shorts and dorky black shoes. Chuck Taylor decides to experiment with white shoes.

1951 Paul Arizin arrives in the NBA and immediately changes the game by having the audacity to actually JUMP when he shoots. His reasoning was that the slippery floor (probably from all the campfire ashes) made it hard to shoot accurately, and the low ceilings prohibited the traditional high-arching shot. The Players' Association immediately files a protest with the commision, saying that the 6'4" Arizin was going to ruin the game for the future Manute Bol's of the world. (BTW, Arizin died this week, remembered as an innovator)

1979 The 3-point shot is allowed in all NBA contests. The Players' Association registers a protest because tall guys can't shoot free throws competently, let alone shoot from 20+ feet. The NBA brain trust is made up at the time of short guys...all the lawyers involved were under 6' as well.

2006 The NBA bans the wearing of tights under the regulation uniform by players in order to keep guys like Andrew Bogut from looking like complete idiots. (DWade, on the other hand, looked mighty cool). Players protest by getting really long socks which they attach to their jocks with garters. Take that, David Stern!

And now, we have the ball fiasco. I feel relatively certain that the minimum salary for an NBA player for ONE YEAR would be enough to finance a teacher for an entire career, so I have little patience for the namby-pamby whiners. My protest will be to find a bunch of those balls on the clearance rack at EBay and use them in my gym classes...we already use OLD discount playground balls and balls donated by the National Guard and Cindy Fisher Basketball camps. This will be a definite step up.