If "Ifs and Buts" Were Candy and Nuts

Now that OJ's book and interview are dead (on Fox, at least), it occurred to me that there are plenty of other people able to cash in on the "If" phenomenon. Both you and I know that OJ has gotten his advance from the publisher and that YouTube or MySpace will have the whole book out any time now available to download. I would probably not consider doing so, but others definitely will. Anyway, here is my list of other people and the "If" books they might have written (or may well yet write).

Mark McGuire: "If I Really Had Used Steroids (This is How I would Have Done It Without Using the Whizzinator"). Despite proclaiming his innocence silently, we all know that Big Mac didn't hit all those homers (and develop acne overnight)by eating fries. Here is his chance to make some cash because, frankly, he won't make it to the Hall of Fame, and pretty soon, he'll be sitting beside Pete Rose hawking bats supposedly used to hit #62. This book deal is a gold mine.

Bill Clinton: "If I'd Really Had Sex With That Woman (Depending on Your Definition of "sex" and "is"). Again, chemical analysis doesn't lie. DNA meant DOA for Bill. It's a testament to the fabric Gap uses in its dresses. The problem with this one is that Bill probably doesn't need the money OR the fame. I suspect being an ex-president pays a lot more than being an ex-major leaguer (though both probably pay better than a retired teacher!) This one is also blunted somewhat by the fact that Mr. Clinton as much as admitted this liason in his book...which WAS a major seller when it came out. Perhaps he was just beating OJ (pun intended) to the punch.

Mel Gibson: "If I Really Hated Jews" (I'd Make More Films Like The Passion and Set Them in Germany). Mel could really use the help here. His career has careened out of sight following that tirade. He needs a book and interview deal. Of course, the liberal, Jewish press isn't going to allow it to see the light of day so he's screwed. Maybe he can get a secret deal like the one Paris Hilton got for her video.

Michael Richards: "If I Really Hated N*****s." (I Wouldn't Just Talk Tough, I'd Carry A Rope) Talk about tanking what was left of a career! Cosmo might as well move to another cosmos, 'cause he ain't getting' work here. I'd bet even CMT wouldn't hire him to do his impersonation of standup. His book might describe ways that he would systematically go about limiting the African-American population using ropes and forks. (forks? He said it, not me!) The book might be big in Mississippi, but probably few other red states would have the audacity to admit it.

Donald Rumsfeld: "If There Really Weren't WMDs" (I'd Show You How To Start A War Anyway) This would be a runaway best seller in Venezuela and the hundreds of other countries who already hate us. We would have so much of their disposable income that they would have to GIVE us the oil we've fought so hard for! Seriously, you KNOW there's some kind of a book deal in the works already, especially now that OJ is back on the sidelines.

As the unkown "they" always say: "If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a hell of a Christmas" Bring on the turkeys we eat instead of the ones we have to listen to.