End of the World As We Know It

Mid-term elections are just around the proverbial corner, and here in Wisconsin things seem normal: mud is flying faster and in more directions than it would at a bikini-clad mud wrestling contest featuring Borat. Nothing unusual there...candidates spending four million dollars to tell us how slimy each other is; as if we didn't already know that. No, that's not what conjured up REM in my head today (though I must admit to feeling fine). There are ominous rumblings throughout the cosmos lately that I feel signify something unusual in the near future. To wit:
Saddam Hussein was sentenced to be hanged (no, you idiot, NOT hung. Art, curtains and Ron Jeremy are hung). Not really unusual, but the outcry from the international community that such a punishment is too cruel for a guy who is convicted of murdering thousands of people is a bad sign. Of course, the French folk want leniency, probably just to irritate GWB, but Sweden?
"Borat" debuts as numero uno at the box office. This is definitely a bad omen. I mean, did you SEE Sacha Baron Cohen in a mankini...dayglo green at that? Political correctness isn't all it's cracked up to be, I'll admit, but this strikes me as a weak ripoff of Steve Martin's "wild and crazy guy" bit. Imagine me going to, say, Turkey, and trying to poke serious fun at that country's shortcomings. Who'd be laughing? Have we been reduced to a laughing stock in the world view? Ok, rhetorical question. I withdraw it.
Another sign of this month's impending apocalypse involves a minister who speaks weekly with our president admitting to buying drugs and "getting a massage" from a male prostitute but absolutely denying having sex with the guy...as if the other stuff didn't count!! Sounds a bit like "...but I didn't inhale" and "...it depends on what your definition of 'is' is." I know my definition of the "moral majority" just took a serious hit.
In a month in which spinach was found to have extremely negative effects, I have begun to lose hope in being around much longer. SPINACH, for God's sake! Maybe Bluto was right to contest Popeye all those years.
Yet another sign of imminent demise is to be found along the Texas/Mexico border where the feds have spent approximately five million dollars to begin a video-monitoring program called a "virtual border watch" in order to keep out would-be day laborers and families who want a better life. Now, instead of playing video games or watching reality TV, people can simply sit and watch a video of their favorite border-crossing hot spot! That'll be a sure cure for the obesity dilemma in this country.
Finally, as if to put the finishing nail in the coffin of civilization comes the absolutely logic-defying fact that a National League team won this year's World Series. That's a grand slam indicator that we are all doomed...and my birthday is just around the corner, too!