Apocalypse Now

I'm a bit nervous. There have always been those who claimed to know when the end of the world was about to commence. "War in the Holy Land" was one I remember. Well, we've got it, and I don't feel like making out my will just yet. Of course, now that the Pope has criticized Mohammed, the New Crusades might just be days away. Can you imagine the Swiss guards trying to chop guys down with halberds? Not exactly the Seven Days' War there...maybe seven minutes. No, those events don't initiate urgent calls to loved ones. There ARE, however, some things that should make you, me and MC Hammer go "HMMMM"!

1. Gas prices have dropped $.75 in less than a month. Seriously, how can you NOT take that as a sign of imminent danger? Yeah, I know that the fall elections will probably mark the end of this bonanza, but I still wanted to go out and buy a big ol' SUV and drive around the state every week! (See what I mean? I'm losing it!)

2. The Green Bay Packers sign Koren Robinson and trade Samkon Gado. That's like getting rid of Rudy, The Rookie and banning basketball and bike racing in tiny Hoosier towns and bringing Charlie Manson home for dinner! Gado was TOTALLY obscure last year until a series of injuries made him the starting running back in Titletown by default. He wowed everyone with his running ability as well as his humble nature and then spent the off-season doing an internship at a local hospital. Are you kidding me? He was perfect for the image of the Packers (still smarting from the Paul Hornung thing in '63 and the James Lofton stairwell incident years later). Instead, they sign a three-time offender of the substance abuse policy in the N.F.L. who is likely to get drunk and run over people at 3 in the morning...OK, OK, I get your point: that could be any number of people in Green Bay. But still...are the Packers that desperate that they would take this guy and not even consider T.O.? (rhetorical question) What starting 0-1 will do!

3. The Florida Marlins might make the playoffs. This team would have made the Bad News Bears look good in spring training. There were only a couple of players left of any value, and only Dontrelle Willis was a marquee player. The manager and the owner get into a shouting match with the manager telling the owner to stop shouting at the umpires. The owner subsequently set up a press conference to fire the manager then backed off when people told him he was being stupid. Thos same Fish are but three games out of the wild card lead now, and Joe Girardi (ex-Yankee) has GOT to be the manager of the year.

4. Tony Stewart is NOT in the Race for the Nextel Cup. Go figure.

5. There is talk of a reunion between Zinedine Zidane and Marco Materazzi. Puhleeze! No way this should happen after Materazzi made those comments about Zidane's mother and sister. The reunion could turn out like a weigh-in at at Mike Tyson/Chump of the Week fight.

6. A college punter stabs his teammate in the kicking leg so HE can be the starting punter (and drives away in a car with the license plate "8KIKR"). This shoots to hell the theory that kickers can't be aggressive...a SURE sign of the apocalypse.

7. Every Segway was recalled this week. It's not only MY balance that has been upset, apparently.

8. Gas is down to $2.45 here. Did I mention that?

I don't know if this has convinced you, but I'm PLENTY worried.