It's Worse Than You Imagined

Of course, you've probably heard by now that we'll have a new president on Tuesday. I found out about it this weekend, and I must say I was not surprised. This changeover seems to be part of a trend: America is losing its megasized image. Some of it looks positive...imagine four more years of George Bush (I'm so glad he didn't run again); however, downsizing has become the fashion in American life. I think it started with Herve Villachaize (Tattoo) on "Fantasy Island" and continued with Gary Coleman then Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movies. Things have spiraled downward and out of control...just ask the folks who used to work at Linens 'n' Things or Sharper Image. Just about every facet of life has taken on a different look. Circuit City has become Short-Circuited City, and the list goes on:

In the automotive world, the Big Three have used the bailout money to rebrand themselves as the Not-Toyota-Or-Honda-With-No-UAW Three, and their efforts at development through racing have changed, too. Next year, NASCAR will stand for "Now All Stock Cars Are Rebuilds" and the CART racing series will use, well, carts drawn by one horsepower...horses.

Raisin Bran will, in the coming months, announce a reduction to only one scoop of raisins in each box of its cereal.

The Super Bowl is about to be renamed The Super Cup, and advertisers will be limited to using the claymation characters from "Davey and Goliath" to hawk their products.

In order to save runway costs and eliminate airport congestion for air travellers, more airlines will begin landing on bodies of water. As an added benefit, business will pick up in the tour boat and crane businesses.

Americans will be limited to jelly sandwiches, eschewing the traditional peanut butter and jelly ones and saving millions of dollars in medical fees from salmonella cases. This will free up even more money for insurance companies to erect mammoth edifices to promote their newest drugs as well as halting the Southerners from going on and on about "goober peas."

Lance Armstrong has gotten on board with the new austerity plan as well; he gracefully finished in 64th place in the criterium portion of the Tour Down Under, saying that he wanted to save the team some money by not having to get him a new yellow jersey every day and vowing to ride the same bike for weeks at a time.

And, finally, in a cost-cutting measure, Governor Doyle of Wisconsin is presenting an idea to combine the states of Wisconsin and Minnesota in order to cut down on government duplication of services. There is talk of bringing Jesse Ventura back to head up the new state of Wissota (though people from here prefer "WisceySoda", Land of 24,000 Lakes.

It's getting tougher every day.