Already Scratching My Head

And you thought last year had some strange happenenings? We've been bombarded with a myriad of noteworthy items thus far this year. I have no idea what to make of them except to postulate that this year will top any I've thus far experienced. To wit:

1. Amy Fisher is promoting a sex tape with her husband (not named Joey). It seems he began marketing the tape when they were going through a divorce...they reconciled...she got six figures not to fight the release...now she's promoting the thing. I will not see it. Anybody who shoots a man's wife in the face as a teen does not get placed in my queue from Netflix.

2. Jay's Potato Chips of Chicago has gone bankrupt. No more Jalapeno Krunchers, and not just for me; that includes the rest of the approximately 88% of all American households who eat chips as the number one salty snack, most of whom probably go about their lives blissfully unaware of what they're missing. I may have to skip the Super Bowl now.

3. The average age of motorcyclists is now 41, and 10% of all cycles feature women at the controls instead of riding on the back. FORTY-ONE, FOR GOD'S SAKE! Marlon Brando must be spinning. Whatever happened to buying a sports car?

4. A window washer in New York fell 47 stories and LIVED! Alcides Moreno didn't get up and walk away, of course. In fact, doctors operated on him in the emergency room instead of taking him anywhere because his condition was so grave. Can you imagine? What would you be thinking during that incredible fall? "Ooh, I missed a spot on that one?" "Holy crap, this could ruin my day." Could you scream the entire time? Sadly, his brother working with him was killed. Time for him to buy a lottery ticket! Doctors indicate he should be back to normal in a year. Amazing...almost as amazing as

5. Britney loses her kids again (no wait, that's not unusual at all!).

6. Starbucks has begun selling "skinny" cappuccino featuring low-fat milk and other ingredients designed, I'm sure , to taste like crap but make one feel less guilty and increase Starbucks' profit. Of course, spending $5 for "coffee" would make me feel guilty automatically. Calling it a "tall" also aggravates me.

7. And the latest in in-home selling parties: not Tupperware, not lingerie, not even jewlery...TASERS! Yep, a woman in Arizona has begun hosting women in her apartment for "taser testing" parties. Pink in color, the little beauties are designed to rest under the pillow or on the night stand to protect from intruders. I see real danger here: " I SAID, NOT TONIGHT"...ZAP...EEEEOOOOWWW! "Honey, turn off the game and paint the porch."..ZAP...EEEEOOOOWWW! No, this is definitely an idea someone should have left alone. Small-caliber weapons used for burglars are generally not applied on husbands.

Since I also just finished Al Gore's movie "An Inconvenient Truth," I am convinced that none of us has long to live anyway so all this won't matter. Actually, what I thought was, "And we elected Bush instead of THIS guy who actually makes sense?". Just goes to show you...the world is getting crazier (and MUCH warmer) every day. Let's hope we all make it through the year.