Pulling the Wool Over Our Eyes

Going Away Green(er)

One in five Americans would like the opportunity to get a green sendoff when they cash in their chips in the casino of life. Face it, even though the vault is cement, the casket is metal, and the mortician embalmed the heck out of you, you'll still end up in a rather sorry state. How long that will take is the only uncertainty. Me I can't see what all the fuss is about. The more cemeteries we construct, the less land there will be available to feed the world's ever-expanding population. Not that the latest idea proposes a way out of that problem, but the soap box was available for a moment.
Anyway, let's say you don't want to put a metal into the groundwater as you depart...or maybe you just want to get it over as soon as possible after you get planted. Varnished wood or metal doesn't fit the bill very well. The latest in cardboard coffins seems a bit tacky, perhaps. So... go with wool!
Hainsworth, a 225-year-old wool mill in West Yorkshire, England has designed the perfect, earth-friendly receptacle for you transportation into the Stygian darkness apres-life. Available in brown or white, each coffin is constructed from the wool of three sheep and is guaranteed to support a dead weight (so to speak) of 840 pounds. Six handles made of jute make this a portable, easily biodegradable item that will be the talk of your funeral as guests gather over the egg salad sandwiches. It's also available for far less than traditional funereal furniture, in case you want to take SOME of it with you. At between $960 and $1290, the wool coffin is far less expensive than metal caskets costing upwards of $10,000. Even traditional wooden caskets run $2,000 or more in the U.S.
Currently, these coffins are available in England as well as Finland, Holland, Germany and Australia, but you can bet they will be a hot item in this country in eco-places like Oregon, Colorado and California. They should be especially popular in places that get a lot of rain since wool is a well-known repellant for moisture (though quite sodden when saturated).
These will NOT be popular in the South where temperatures are known to be high and humidity unbearable.
Everyone knows that wool gets really itchy under such circumstances.