Lies, Damn Lies and Research

I felt particularly free to "revise" that quote for a couple of reasons. First of all, the" original" version of that famous quote was popularized by Mark Twain, a man who didn't even use his real name! Even he attributed it to a source that nobody could ever corroborate (Benjamin Disraeli). Furthermore, the most reputable researchers can only timorously avow that Charles Wentworth Dilke might have been the first to use the basic form of the quote, though I think he used the word "fib" (not knowing anyone from Illinois, I suspect) instead of "lie." Researchers maintain only that he used the phrase without benefit of attributing it to someone else...so HE could have "borrowed" it as well, thinking nobody would ever call him on it, the internet not being invented then and all. This lengthy musing is intended to be a rather pointed, yet interesting, entry into the value of actual research which, it seems, can prove just about anything one might wish to promote...say, flossing one's teeth. Here's the deal:
Sunday morning at my house usually means a casual start to the day: lounging in bed until 8 a.m. or so followed by a cup of coffee and a nosh while poring over the Sunday paper. This means the paper gets separated into two sections: the news and sports for one of us and the ads for the other, intent on clipping coupons from the grocery ads or any other merchant who happens to be promoting a certain product that we use, say Starbucks Frappacino (I'm not addicted. Who says I'm addicted?) Today, I was reading the supplement to the paper and was immediately intrigued by an article entitled "Stay Sharp," a hopefully useful article on "ten surprisingly easy tactics that might save our brains." Since I use mine almost every day, I am, indeed, interested in preserving it ( and I'm NOT talking about the "Ted Williams" method of preserving my brain). The introductory picture shows a middle-aged man standing on the beach with an arm around an obviously addled parent thinking,
"Damn, I wish Mom had read that article on how to stay sharp a few years ago. What the hell am I going to do now?"
I hurried to read on, and that's when I found out that the "research" might hold less for me than I'd hoped. Here are some of the suggestions for keeping that ol' noodle going:

1. Have coffee. Oh great...3-5 cups during the middle of the day is supposed to cut Alzheimer's risk by 65%. Whether it's the caffeine or the antioxidants, what this means for me is that I'll likely spend a greater portion of my afternoon and evening in the bathroom. Isn't that where Elvis met his untimely doom? Not be, pal. They're not wheeling me out on a gurney with my pants around my ankles (sorry for the image, there)

2. Floss SoCal researchers found that having periodontal disease by 35 quadrupled one's risk of Alzheimer's later. "Experts" think that mouth inflammation travels to the brain...I know some people whose brain inflammations have traveled out through their mouths, but the other way around?

3. Google Seriously...doing online research is supposed to be more effective than reading a book, for God's sake. People between 55-78 activated huge reserves of brain cells after only a week of surfing the internet for an hour a day. No word on what they were searching for...probably the cheapest scooter prices or the best age-restricted communities. Me? I search for Mazda Miatas.

4.Avoid infection Really? Some research points to a connection between infections like cold sores, lyme disease, gastric ulcers, pneumonia and the flu...uh oh! I've had all of those. My chances are zero with all that beta amyloid running through my system. I should probably give up on the Miata: I won't be able to find it in the parking lot or shift gears if I could find it! Damn!

5. Drink apple juice Apparently, the acetylcholine found in apples and their juice is necessary for memory...two to three apples a day or 16 oz of juice. That's doable...and I will keep at least two doctors away while doing so: win-win!

6. Protect your head Well, no kidding! Something that makes more sense than just growing new brain cells doing crossword puzzles that feature "sea eagles" as a clue.

Sheesh!...there are four more that I don't have time for right now. With all of that herpes simplex coursing through my system, I've got to go eat some apples.