The End Is Nearer Than I Thought

Natural disasters like the one which just occurred in Haiti always make me feel a bit vulnerable. Granted, the chances for an earthquake are slim here in Green Bay, but there are plenty of things to concern me from the natural world: lightning while I'm on my bike with my iPod connected to my head, for example. It could (and has to other people) happen! Locust plagues, rabbit infestations in the garden...see the possibilities? And now comes the news that I'm destined to die too young anyway.
A study of 10,000 people conducted by researchers at Wayne State University (what else is there to do in Nebraska?) concluded that people whose name began with the letter "D" had a shorter than average life span. In fact, the "D" people lived a full 10 years less, on average, than folks whose name began with the letter "A." Why?
Researchers postulate that "D" people are more subject to illness because their names are associated with academic failure, unlike the "A" people. Seriously.
This might sound as sketchy to you as it did to me initially, but it's not going to stop me from changing my name before it's too late. Of course, I'll probably be run over by a herd of stampeding bison or get swept away by a blizzard on my way to the courthouse.
I just have to find a name that begins with "A" that doesn't end in "hole" because I already get a lot of that.