Beating the Rush to April Fool's Day (and Conficker)

YOUR FIRST JOKE FOR APRIL...JUST ONE OF MANY ABSURDITIES


I have to get this out before the newest "end-of-the-cyber-world-as-we-know-it" computer bug shucks out of the larvae stage and destroys our ability to do anything but order porn online.
You'll remember, of course, the infamous "Y2K" bug that was going to do the same thing nine years ago...well, we're still here but getting a bit complacent, in all probability. So it's good to keep resurrecting fears like this...or the Pakistani Taliban's threat to attack the White House--which could happen! Anyway, as if eradication of the auto industry isn't enough and continued layoffs in the middle-class nanny industry (seriously, this is an issue for the middle class: those making $500,000/yr)haven't convinced us that the end is near, the latest round of craziness just might push me over the edge.
To wit:
Suisan Levin, a staff dietician for a Washington group called the Committee for Responsible Medicine has sent a letter to the Grand Rapids minor league baseball team featured here just a few days ago insisting that it put a warning label on its 4.8 pound burger indicating that it is a "dietary disaster." Seriously? A warning label? As if people who would dare try to eat something like that (such as me) would not a) realize the dietary implications or b) give a rat's rear end whether there was a warning or not. Surely there are better things for her to do.

Then, there's the little matter of the 'Green Death" in Massachussetts. In a preseason letter to parents of 6 and 7-year old female soccer players, a coach suggested to mothers tha tthey feed their daughter "undercooked, red meat," that "Losing is for losers," and that the players should expect to "bleed a little." Mothers were not about to take that lying down even though the (now) former coach was known to have a "wry, sarcastic" sense of humor. More wackiness will ensue, I'm certain.

A web site stilltasty.com is available if one needs to find out the life of a product following its opening. This will be handy for one of my friends who routinely checks through the garbage bag to find tasty morsels thought to be out of a healthy range by his wife (who probably knows Susan Levin). BTW, an open jar of pickles or oyster sauce will last up to two years (just thought you'd like to know)

Feel like horsing around as the weather gets nicer? Buy a pair of Ranchos (pictured) Seriously, these are Italian leather and made for the discriminating buyr (i.e. horses). And you thought high heels were an invention of the devil?

And finally, the somewhat mystifying, somewhat bizarre story of the Chicago divorce attorney who is suing Playboy for sexual harrassment. This woman wrote a legal column for playboy.com (what? "Playboy legal issues after dark"?) and subsequently posed without her business suit. So far, it's only odd. The lawyer then contends that she was sexually harrassed by a supervisor in emails and phone messages; she claims to have been groped by this person and then relieved of her column when she resisted the guy's advances. You can see why people would be shaking their heads over this one. Me, I'm on her side...nobody should be subjected to that kind of treatment even if, by taking one's clothes off it might appear that the moral character was a bit loose. I hope she gets the 4.8 million she wants, and I hope the now-unemployed guy eats a 4 3/4lb burger and explodes his heart.

This crazy world is spinning out of control!