Making a Splash in Florida

Of all the things that caught mny attention in Florida, the cruise lines made the biggest impression. Yes, the fact that English is a second language in South Florida definitely caught my ear; and there were thousands of kinds of vegetation growing there that would not survive a spring in Wisconsin let alone a winter; the dozens of skyscrapers aligned along the oceanfront were definitely impressive, too, but when we drove past three massive cruise ships lined up at the docks, I had to admit to being a bit slackjawed. Seriously, I'd watched "The Love Boat," and I had an idea that these things were behemoths, but I was totally unprepared for the sheer immensity...the S.S.Badger is a rowboat in comparison. And, just for a moment, I considered coming back to Miami and taking a four-day Bahamian cruise with the Carnival Line. I mean, what's NOT to like? We're talking about a ship so large that it had more than a thousand staterooms (imagine the MGM Grand afloat), 10 decks, and weighing in at more than 70,000 TONS (and still floating!). Heck, one of the five lounges on "The Sensation" would hold more than 1,000 revelers. Of course, there was the requisite casino, spa, pool, library (like ANYBODY would be reading on a cruise), mini golf, a jogging track and a basketball court...at the least. I also noticed a Jumbotron on deck...turns out it is 12 x 22 feet, and it's placed next to the pool so travelers can watch their favorite entertainment while sipping their Morgan and Coke and soaking up rays. As I said, I was ready to commit until I remembered...
This was the same ship from which an off-duty entertainer fell into the sea just a couple of days earlier! Witnesses indicated that the incident was totally an accident, but after searching more than 1,000 miles of ocean, even the Coast Guard gave up. Really! How does one "accidentally" fall off a cruise ship? Don't they have rails around the edge? And can't they stop right there to look for somebody if witnesses saw the plunge? Even the Golden Gate Bridge required some actual effort in order to free fall, and the Empire State Building is virtually impossible to leave via the airwaves. So how come a person can just "fall" off a cruise ship? I'll admit to wishing Kate Winslet and that DiCaprio guy would fall off when they were butchering the real story behind the Titanic's disatrous plunge to the bottom, but in real life? One would think it impossible. If it's possible, I don't want to be anywhere NEAR one of those things. Of course, drowning in the ocean would not be an issue after going off the edge: as the late Paul Newman said to a swimming-challenged Robert Redford in "Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid" when they were contemplating a long jump into a rushing river to avoid their pursuers: "Hell, the fall alone will kill you!" We're talking ten stories down into what probably feels like concrete at the speed you'll be going when you hit. I'm no Greg Louganis, so a belly flop would definitely be in the realm of possibility. Even imagining what that would feel like for the brief time I would be conscious is too horrifying to consider. There wouldn't be anything left for the sharks to eat.
Oh yes, and that plunge reminded me that yet another passenger had taken a flop a week earlier in the Gulf of Mexico from the deck of the Norwegian Pearl, yet another cruise ship. I realize that the percentages are with me because it's only two people out of hundreds of thousands weekly plying the waters off the coast, but that's two too many for me.
I'm staying put on the beach, and the only cruise I'll consider is the cruise control on my car. I'll find a buffet somewhere on dry land, thank you.