Stopping By On My Way To Fame

Before I got famous and too cool for all of you. My photo for AARP's "Living Great at 50+" contenst.

I have always believed in karma to an extent. It seems like things happen just when they are supposed to, and those who are observant can take advantage of opportunity. Fortunes are made and reputations are cemented (hopefully not by the Mafia, which is another kind of "cementing" as Hoffa could have told us) if only people are aware. So it is with me.

Casually perusing the paper today, I noticed that a touring production of "Tony 'n' Tina's Wedding," an interactive comedic play which utilizes amateur actors and audience participation in addition to professional actors and singers,was making a stop in Green Bay, and performers, particulalry male performers, were needed. After one day of auditions, there was a dire need for those of the masculine persuasion. It could have easily passed into the void of "things I could have done if I'd been paying attention" (to paraphrase Michael Feldman). However, alert to the nuances of biology, I remember that I was male, and figured this was my personal invitation to fame, if not fortune.

Arriving at The Meyer Theater twenty minutes before auditions were scheduled to begin, I found that I was the only male among the early tryouts. This buoyed my hopes, but as I began to fill out the application (leaving suspiciously blank the section asking for acting experiences, particularly in the last five years), the reality began to dawn: there was no way I was qualified to do this. Adding such things as "I can juggle" and "I am an amateur photographer" just to make the application look like I could do SOMETHING, I was ready to bolt for the door. It was just at that moment that the production director, a rather nice fellow named Tony Lauria, came up and asked me if I was ready for the audition.

"Uh, just a minute...well, sure...I guess." I impressed him right away, I'm sure.

The audition was a novel experience, to say the least. Nearly drowned out by the noise my heart was making as it tried to flee my chest, I was asked to read for a couple of parts. Following a ten-minute chat about interests and personal things, I was asked to read a short section as the father of the groom who was giving a toast at the wedding. After several attempts, Tony indicated that he thought he detected a little Southern accent in my voice when, in fact, I was trying to be a New Yorker. Realizing that my Kansas upbringing was not going to help me get THAT part, Tony then asked me to read for the part of the priest who performs the ceremony. That went a little better, I thought, and Tony was very polite, offering encouragement and direction: "Now do that again as if you are drunk." "Nicely done, but try to smile more." "Don't worry if you miss a few lines...I'm just looking for people who can act."

Fortunately, I was able to escape barely twenty minutes into the whole ordeal, and I didn't make any egregious errors while acquitting myself admirably (according to me. Tony didn't say). The lineup outside had begun...mostly women, though, and not many that I would suspect to be actresses, either (That is to say, Meryl Streep wasn't there). Notification should be by the end of the week, but if that doesn't work out, there's always my application to AARP to be a model for their "People Over 50" promotion. That's a story for another edition...look for me on the cover of AARP...if I have not rocketed to fame by then in "Tony 'n' Tina's Wedding."