Back To School But No Rodney Dangerfield

Definitely not fitting in...unless there's a frat house nearby.

I've always thought that being a college student was the greatest life...after I graduated, that is, and I still think so for the most part. As part of my tutoring gig this year, I attend three diffeent classes, take notes, and synthesize textbook chapters for a student with a learning disability. I sit in the front row, record every lecture, and offer scintillating tidbits about things that happened years ago but are quite germane to the professors whenever the "regular" students are dozing. Sine all the professors know my purpose, they feel more free to be themselves with me, and I can actually have an interesting, if not downright fun, time in class. All is not as it should be, though.

My part-time running buddy Kelly who also is on staff somewhere on campus mentioned it to me the other day. He noted that I was carrying my backpack all wrong. What he actually said was, "You can always tell the older students because they only use one strap on their backpack." He went on to indicate that the two-shoulder method favored by more and more students was more "ergonomically correct." Just to get a word in edgewise, I noted that most of my students could not even pronounce the word "ergonomically" let alone spell it or understand its meaning. I did, however, feel ever so much more out of place strolling across campus in that fashion...but not enough to put both arms through the shoulder straps.

Having introduced myself to a professor and stating my purpose, her eyes opened with recognition. "Oh, I thought you were just one of the 'special' (meaning 'old') students." Upon the realization that I was, in fact, older than she, I was accorded more than usual respect, and she goes out of her way now to speak more slowly just for me! She also tends to write in very big letters to aid my fading eyesight. Another professor even went so far as to send me a Power Point presentation that she did not send to anyone else...probably because she feared that my arthritic fingers couldn't take all the writing! (OK, so THAT was cool!)

And, of course, I dress totally unlike college students...but it's not my fault. I'm required to dress "business casual" so that people visiting the athletics department will not look askance at me. I have the leading collection of polos in town...department stores send me special notices when polos and chinos go on sale...they even hire extra help for those "Senior Discount Days." sigh! Even my wife rips on me on occasion (mostly at the polo sales). Oh sure, it's OK for every other person on CAMPUS to look at me like that because I'm not wearing lounge pants, a ratty T-shirt and flip flops (which I've read are terrible for ones back). It's like I have to wear a sign "DORK COMING THIS WAY" or "CLEAR THE SIDEWALK FOR THE OLD PERSON" or "NARC ON CAMPUS."

So, to all of you "special" would-be students out there, I have some advice. Get an iPod and some flip flops, don't wear anything you wouldn't wear cleaning the garage, and for God's sake, DO NOT sit in the front row, pencil poised! Get a laptop and a Facebook account, and you'll be all set.

TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

Lovin' the college life!