Land Lines or Cell Phones: Call Me

I've never been comfortable with mobile phone technology. I don't want to know people's innermost secrets as they blab at the supermarket, the movies or in boring meetings. I just don't want to be that familiar with them. If I'm in my car or in the bathroom for some privacy, it's because I WANT to be there...don't bother me! I spent years proclaiming that I didn't need or want one. While I caved in eventually and got a cell phone for emergencies, when I really need it, it failed to work, providing me with yet another reason to wish I still had the Cobra CB or the 10-pound portable phone that plugged in to my car and sucked the battery dry faster than an 8-track player on ACC.
Anyway, I was trying to connect with my son after yet another dreadful Packers loss in order to hand off his son for the return drive to Cleveland where he would be forced to listen to the newly-calculated odds of the Browns winning the Super Bowl. There was no fumble on the play as opposed to the Packers game, but the phone failed to work properly and forced us to rely on the scripted game plan which was to meet at the Arby's on the highway. I felt confident in the plan but thought I should take the phone just in case something went awry, and we got to keep the wiggleworm for another day or so.
Phone rings...no one audible on the other end. I call back...no ring tone even though the numbers indicate I'm being charged for a call. I shout so loudly that the Arby's drive-through guy comes out to see if I wanted the curly fries or the regular ones.
Days and experiments later, I call the phone manufacturer customer support line. The first suggestion from Raoul was to take the battery out of the phone. Armed with a scissors, I pry and dig, severing an artery and six locks of hair, but I get the battery out. In a very helpful tone, my friendly customer service guy indicates that the battery is defective and has been recalled. I was about to ask why I wasn't notified but realized it was because my PHONE WASN'T WORKING! At least the car company informs me of recalls that could save my life...there's no scissors involved in their recall, either. I probably missed several important calls during the time in which I was unaware of the deficiency. No doubt President Bush called to ask me to head FEMA, and I'm certain Publisher's Clearinghouse is out there looking for me with a big check.
My fresh, not-deficient-in-any-way battery is speeding to my address even as I speak. It was a good thing I had a "real" phone so I could call for help. I wonder what people do who only have cell phones?