Parlor Spider...Step In, Little Fly

Open the Closets!

2012-01-27T21:54:00.003-06:00

The Bastion of Secrecy

OK, OK...enough already. Seldom do I think there's a soap box issue that I feel compelled to address, but there is one today. It's the matter of "the house" as in "Let's keep that information 'in house.'" Or, as the owners of the Indianapolis Colts says, "In the family." There have been so many stories emerge over the past few months detailing how information that is kept "in house" turns out to be evidence of heinous activities that are covered up to protect the reputation of a third party, whether that be an institution, a team, or someone's professional career.
You know about the obvious ones, but there are a couple that have been somewhat hushed up...or at least not delved into as they might have been.
One involves a senior athletic department official of a school that regularly attends bowl football games as a member of the Big Ten Conference. It turns out that this year at a major bowl, said official held a party in his hotel room for university staffers and furnished alcohol to minors: well, that's a crime right there. But the story gets more sordid. Turns out, this person has been doing this for years with knowledge of university officials who once sent the staffer a letter of remonstrance indicating that he should not act in such a manner again...but this was years ago.
This time, on Dec. 31st at a similar party featuring minors and staffers, the official actually groped a male staffer and threatened to have him fired if he let word out about the incident. Really. Now, of course, the athletics director claims to have known nothing about it, the university says it has fired the individual, and all is well.
But wait a minute...if these parties have been held regularly (since this team always goes to a major bowl because it "travels well," you cannot get me to believe that this was an isolated incident and that NOBODY knew such goings on were, well, going on. That's simply too incredulous. Much like the Penn State deal of last fall, there had to be many people who knew about this behavior but kept it "in house," and now they are congratulating themselves on handling the matter so swiftly...so swiftly that they hope we'll forget about the implications.
Then, there's the story that broke this week about an Ivy League quarterback who was nominated for a Rhodes Scholarship and was being canonized nationwide for being the best of everything. Heck, he even refused to go to the scholarship interview because his school was playing its most hated rival that day. What dedication!
As the story unfolds, however, the scholarship committee had put his application on hold because he'd been under investigation for a sexual assault of a student on campus. The young lady reported the issue, but apparently, there is something called an "informal investigation" at this university that does not involve the police or a criminal record. The whole affair was dealt with in a dignified and under-reported manner...even the school newspaper knew of the scandal but chose not to publish it out of "respect for the girl involved." I'm sure the megamillion-dollar donors were glad not to have the name of their prestigious university dragged through the sordid mess at the same time the PSU scandal was unfolding. When interviewed, one of the player's teammates admitted knowing all about the incident but preferred to keep it "in house" (his quote, not mine).
These people are lying to themselves. In saying that they are trying to protect a reputation, what they mean is they are trying to protect "their" reputation because there is somehow money attached to doing so.
"Don't ask, don't tell" seems to be the phrase in vogue.
I'll step down from the soap box now; if I hear the expression "in house" or "in the family" used in a cover up context, though, I might just explode the next time.

Men: Beware of Kansas City!

2012-01-25T20:52:00.003-06:00

The picture of health

Men's Health magazine has just published its recommendations for the best (and worst) places for men during the coming year. The emphasis, of course, is on finding those places to live that are best suited for, well, men's health (go figure). Not content with just calling guys on the phone and conducting a survey, the folks at the magazine depended on statistics from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the Center for Disease Control, and (gulp!) the FBI to determine which cities had exemplary quality of life characteristics, and which cities should be avoided like, well, like the plague.
One hundred cities were classified according to thirty-five categories, ranging from amount of exercise most folks get, employment figures and air quality to such health-related items as incidence of heart disease, diabetes and depression. All in all, one would have to agree that it was a respectable exhaustive study (except for the researchers who were in shape!).
First, a list of the bottom 5 with no explanation as to the lowly status of each:
5. Jackson, Mississippi
4. Cleveland
3. Tulsa
2. Toledo, Ohio
1. Kansas City, Missouri

If you live in one of these places and panic, go to the magazine for clarification. I did not want to add injury to insult by publishing just why your place is so bad.

Now, for the BEST places for men to live and a quick fact that sets each apart:

5. Boise, Idaho. While the potato capital might seem to emphasize starch, there are a large number of community gardens, and people in the area eat far more healthy meals than most of us.

4. San Jose, California. Warm weather, sure, but a populace near Silicon Valley that recognizes no stigma for mental health issues and, as a result, seek therapy a great deal...supposedly making them more well-adjusted than the rest of us.

3. Plano, Texas. Probably one of the exercise capitals of the country. It features more than 65 miles of trails for hiking, running and mountain biking...and I would guess the trails are a lot less crowded than those in Boulder or Eugene.

2. Madison, Wisconsin. An oddity of sorts, Madison residents report playing more basketball than people in 98 of the other top 100 cities. Somehow, I would have thought of other things for Madison, but...

1. Burlington, Vermont. Despite being home to Ben & Jerry's (now owned by someone else), Burlington residents are among the most health-conscious of Americans when it comes to medical checks and checkups. A top-notch medical center utilizes technology to keep patients apprised of their conditions, and people are also outdoorsy-active. (plus, I suspect there's some brown fat burning going on during the winter!)

Green Bay didn't make either list, and Milwaukee finished at #71 on the "good" list...not much of a recommendation when your city is five or six spots better than Newark!
For now, I'll stick around here and try to limit the cheese curds...at least the deep fried ones.

Refrigerate the Fat Away!

2012-01-24T19:37:00.002-06:00

Older people have less of it than younger people, and older men have less of it than younger women. This mysterious and recently-dicovered-in-humans element? Fat; not just any fat, mind you: brown fat! (Yes, it is actually brown in color).
Prior to recent studies, it was assumed that only rats and babies had quantities of brown fat. What do the two have in common that would necessitate the need for brown fat? Neither can shiver...the adult human's way of burning calories to protect it from the cold. Now, three studies have shown that adult humans do, indeed, have deposits of brown fat, and these deposits actually burn the white fat (that stuff that jiggles around your waist!). Really.
Dr. Andre Carpentier an endocrinologist in Quebec was the lead author in one of the studies, and he was able to detect brown fat in adults in their upper back, on the side of the neck, along the spine, and in that dip between the collarbone and the shoulder. he notes, "We have proof that this tissue burns calories."
Actually, there are two "types" of brown fat, and each burns calories. Type one is located in deposits along the body and sucks glucose from the other cells as the body gets cold (but not shivering). This type was discovered as a result of Carpentier's research: the subjects of his experiment (all males) were chilled to just before shivering temperature, and simply sitting, their metabolism rose 80% as the brown fat cells burned calories from the other white fat cells. In the space of three hours, the subjects burned 250 calories.
Now, if you don't like the cold and three hours is too long to wait, you could try the other "type" of brown fat: the type that is created from white fat cells through...exercise. It takes me roughly 20 minutes on an elliptical trainer to burn 250 calories, but it's a lot of work and sweat. sitting in a wine cellar for three hours just might be a better idea!
Of course, living in Wisconsin has the residual benefit of being close to shivering a LOT!
Obviously, the pharmaceuticals have yet to find a way to increase output in these brown fat cells, but you can rest assured that they are working feverishly on it as dollar signs light up their eyes.
Working feverishly at anything is bound to burn calories! Win/Win!

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/25/health/brown-fat-burns-ordinary-fat-study-finds.html?_r=1&hpw

Want the Perfect Job? Look Here!

2012-01-22T20:45:00.002-06:00

Sure, but when do they get any work done?

It has been widely reported that Americans spend MORE time on the job than workers do in any other industrial country. We spend less time with our families and less time on hiatus from work...and we often carry our work with us.
For the most part, many of us spend between forty and fifty years working in order to develop a certain lifestyle then claw and scratch to hold onto that lifestyle. Each has a talent that, hopefully, shines forth and leads every individual in the direction he or she was meant to go: a direction that is fulfilling on a personal as well as a professional level. Naturally, "fulfilling" is a word that each of us defines individually, and I'd be foolish to presume that every day of our lives spent on our vocation/avocation is a paradise. The fact remains, however, that very few of us WANT to spend our mortal existence merely shuffling from place to place (zombies being the exception to this), idea to idea with no real purpose and no real sense of gratification (eating brains does not count)...and there's no rule that says we have to be PAID to pursue our life's work, either. Take motherhood, for example (please do, I doubt I could handle it and remain sane).
Intangible rewards are often the most valued, but for those who actually have to go to a job site or report to some kind of boss, it's all about the perks. Eliminating for a moment the fact that some CEO's get $30 million in bonuses, I'll be they also get some rather sweet perks: memberships to fancy clubs, etc. Deservedly so? I cannot say. For the rest of us, it is the little things that allow us to go to work looking forward to the day on most days.
Every year, the top companies in America get rated for the very things that make them great: could be profitability; could be environmental awareness; could be lots of things, but employee satisfaction is ALWAYS part of the equation: a big part. Satisfied workers are productive workers; it does not take a genius to figure that out (as evidenced by the fact that I know it).
Some of this year's winners featured free Spanish classes for employees; some matched pregnant employees with mothers in a mentor relationship...the list goes on. Here are a few of the perks from some of America's top 100 companies that I would like to get:

Zappos. com gives each employee $50 every month and asks him or her to give that money as a bonus to a deserving fellow employee. A list of winners is compiled, and a top employee is feted with other bonuses, including an office parade!

Schweitzer Engineering gives each employee an allowance of $80 per month for furthering educational goals.

GoDaddy.com provides team bonding experiences during work hours that have included rafting trips and trapeze classes.

This year's top company Google has, of course, the requisite recreation facilities; in addition, the New York office features the very popular eyebrow shaping perk. The main office workers in California have to make do with a haircut option. East Coast/West Coast: it's a different vibe, I guess.

There are obviously companies that do a myriad of other things to enamor and retain employees. Morningstar provides a stress-free environment (white noise), free soft drinks, tea and coffee. I believe there is also a "free bagel" day each week, and this year, the company celebrated its ranking in the top 100 by having senior management serve huge gourmet cookies to the employees. Additionally, each month the employees are encouraged to ask a question of the top person in the company, and he selects his favorite question, reads it aloud over the office video chat line and provides a personal response to the entire workforce. In October of this year, the question he answered was "What is the company's plan if we are attacked by zombies?"
Seriously...he also claimed that he was relieved to FINALLY get a question he wanted to answer.
That would never happen where I work.
Zombies cannot climb ivory towers.

Women Emerging...Seriously

2012-01-21T19:56:00.002-06:00

What's So Unusual? This is Saudi Arabia!

It's fortunate for me that in the mall where we shop, there is a Finish Line across the aisle from the Victoria's Secret store. When my wife walks in to browse the, uh, feminine delicate items, I head across to peruse the latest Air Jordans. Not that I would ever spend that kind of money on a pair of athletic shoes, but I definitely would not be caught wandering through intimate women's apparel. I mean, where does one look? Focus on one item, and a guy is automatically some kind of creeper, and women who are perusing their next purchase MUST feel uncomfortable having guys around. Valentine's Day? No lingerie purchase for me; something I can safely buy like perfume. I get chills just walking BY Victoria's Secret, trying hard NOT to look at the larger than life, uh, models' pictures plastered on the windows. What do mothers with younger sons do, I wonder?
Anyway, if you can get why I feel a bit unnerved being in such a place, imagine how the women shoppers would feel if ONLY MEN WORKED THERE!!!
"What size would you like, madam?"
"Do you need assistance with fitting?"
"Oh, you'll look great in that!"
Don't laugh. The women in Saudi Arabia have had to deal with this forever. Seriously. Until a royal decree from the king last summer that changed the cultural bias, women were not allowed to work outside the home in any capacity. That meant buying intimate required women to deal with male sales clerks! Remember, this is a country and religious structure in which women are not even allowed out of the house unless accompanied by a male relative! For a heavily clothed and veiled woman to be SEEN by a total stranger has serious consequences enforced by the socially conservative religious "behavior police." Women who could afford to travel often bought foundations outside the country in stores with female clerks. Fortunately, things have somewhat changed.
From a tangible perspective, women sales clerks were non-existent for several reasons in addition to the religious proscription. There is little public transportation in Saudi Arabia, so women would be hard-pressed to get to work. In addition, there were no women "trained" as sales clerks so the business owners threw a hissy. (really, though, how long could it possibly take to train someone? McDonald's does it in a couple of hours!) A lack of formal education was also a barrier, but that has fallen by the wayside in recent years. In fact, education has greatly contributed to this change in public view.
Women are now educated at public expense, and the general feeling is that the country could very well use their economic output. combine that with some boycotts organized by women, and the conservatives were forced to relent. By summer, there will be ONLY women working in stores that sell products solely for women's use: cosmetics and underwear; though I wonder how many cosmetics get used in a country where women's eyes are all that is uncovered?
Next up for the distaff members of society? Driving privileges; while thousands of Saudi women have international driving licenses, they are still prohibited from operating a motor vehicle in their home country.
No wonder, with those veils, their peripheral vision must be terrible!
You go, girls! You'll be in the 19th century before you know it!

Nevermore, the Beating of His Hideous Heart!

2012-01-20T21:46:00.003-06:00

So Much For the Mystery. It Will Remain Unsolved.

January 20th has been somewhat of a landmark date in Baltimore, Maryland, for decades. With each passing anniversary, the mystery deepened, and it defied all attempts to solution. Now, sadly, it appears that there will be no resolution, and no more anniversary dates, either. Poe would have loved the ending!
Edgar Alan Poe died in 1875 and was buried (not prematurely, one would hope) in a churchyard in Baltimore, Maryland. At some point, a mysterious stranger known as the "Poe Toaster" would appear in the dark of night each year on the anniversary of Poe's birth and drink a toast to the dead writer. In addition, the mystery person would leave the telltale half a bottle of cognac and three roses on the grave in tribute. At some point, I would have thought a cask of amontillado would appear, but that's the romantic in me. No one was ever to explain why cognac and why only three roses (at least I don't know), but The Man of the Crowd appeared without fail for decades...until recently.
This year marks the third year in succession that the Poe Toaster did not appear. Oh, many poseurs have come forward in the past, but all were debunked. Now, it appears that the real man (or woman) of legend has finally given up the ghost (so to speak); thus, the in-house ushers in charge of keeping watch on the anniversary date have declared with fallen countenances that the vigil is officially over. Three years' worth of absences seem to constitute the statute of limitations on spectral appearances.
Oh, there are conspiracy theories everywhere about who the stranger was and why he could appear for many, many years. Some say it was a "job" handed down from father to son...some might feel that it was all a hoax designed to draw people to visit...and that part certainly worked. People came from all over in hopes of catching a glimpse, or merely catching, the Poe Toaster year after year. The crowds got so thick that they had to be restrained behind iron gates to keep them from flooding the cemetery.
We may never know who the guest was, why he or she made the annual pilgrimage, or why the visits stopped. We do know that there will be no "official" vigil in the years to come, though I suspect that visitors will show up nonetheless.
Just in case the growing crowds were the reason that Poe's Toaster decided to take a hiatus.
Baltimore in January? You'd be stark, raven mad!

Perils of Academia

2012-01-19T19:21:00.003-06:00

That's it? Really? That'll be $75.

"Since you teach at a university, I'll explain this slowly."

Somebody I didn't even know recently made this comment as he was attempting to explain the finer points of what he did. For just a second, I could see my dad's face superimposed on this guy's body, and my sweetie surreptitiously grabbed my arm in the nick of time before I could do something I'd regret. I mean, a total stranger feels he can impugn the limits of my ability to think outside the ivory-towered box? Really? He, of course, thought he was being clever while I thought he was being an a$$.
I'd heard this several times before in other contexts. Any time I struggled with something technical in the "real world," my dad would say, "Didn't they teach you that in college?" No matter what it happened to concern, it was obvious that higher education had not prepared me for the task at hand. He knew how to do a myriad of things about which I had no clue nor experience...and he was almost always correct, but now, as a dad myself, I see that I'm SUPPOSED to be right, to know how to fix mechanical things: it's what dads DO.Some things continue to frighten me with possibilities, especially the possibilities of disaster when I don't get it right the first time. Like water spraying all over the kitchen.
One of my tasks during the semester break was to figure out how to stop a kitchen faucet from dripping and wasting hundreds of gallons of water yearly. Actually, turing the handle just...SO...would stop the drip, but I knew that wasn't going to be good enough for long, and it wasn't. With only four days left before heading back to the eager students, I decided it was time to confront my fears and tackle this challenge head on. After all, I had a "Fix Everything In Your Home" manual and a whole set of tools: how hard could it be? Hard enough that I had put it off for weeks, that's how hard.
Step by step, I proceeded to dismantle the faucet, lining everything up in the order that I had taken it off as well as photographing every step of the process. (Yes, I remembered to turn the water off first!)
A trip to Home Depot resulted in a kit with more parts than I figured I would need along with a hearty "good luck" from the plumbing expert woman there. I think she secretly wanted water to spray everywhere so she could say, "Didn't they teach you anything in college?", but it was probably my father's ghost I heard chuckling.
I even invented a few other chores at home so I could delay the repair attempt, but finally, there was no choice but to give it a shot.
Truth? It was easy. I did not have to refer to the manual or my photographs. It was simply replacing one part with another in a sequence...following directions, really. Even turning the water back on provided no drama. It worked like a charm, and I felt foolish when I looked back at my groundless fears.
But I was still disappointed when my sweetie barely heralded my fabulous accomplishment.
"You fixed the faucet? Great. Thanks."
I guess she figured guys/dads SHOULD be able to do things like that.
Despite having a college degree.

Deja Vu All Over Again

2012-01-18T20:32:00.003-06:00

Inmate # 326451

Mom used to cut my hair when I was a kid. By "cut," I mean "shave my head with a clippers every two weeks." I'm sure we didn't have money to send me to the barbershop, but it was extremely embarrassing to go to school with little or no hair. Granted, this was all pre-Beatles, but I STILL had the shortest hair (or longest scalp) of any kid in my class. At one point, a nun (remember them? Paragons of virtue and boosters of children's intellectual ego) told me that I looked, and I quote, "like a skinned rabbit." I became the most adamant defender of longer hair at that point, and the battle with my parents only intensified with the British Invasion and subsequent hippie couture.
I made every excuse not to get a haircut, and held out long after I was on my own. At one point, I was down to two haircuts a year...just because I wanted to defy the sartorial rules that had been forcibly imposed upon me as a child. As grey began to creep in, however, I felt the need to crop my hair a bit and discuss "highlights" during my four-times-a-year appointment with the stylist. Now this:
Working with student athletes can be somewhat frustrating at times, and motivational speeches only go so far. As a result, I promised to allow one of the sports teams on campus that they could shave my head if the team earned a 3.0 GPA cumulatively. Since this feat has been accomplished only one time in the seven years I've been working with this particular group, I felt relatively safe. As one can see, however, the safety was short-lived. Proud as I was of their academic achievement, I dreaded the thought of the resulting hair style. It brings back painful memories of my childhood even though almost everyone says it looks O.K. Fortunately, one of the associate athletics directors likes his hair very short so the effect was not as dramatic. I think we've bonded somewhat now!.It didn't take long, though, for the comment I most dreaded came out:
"Hey, you look just like your grade school pictures!"
Fabulous. Rabbit stew next?

Out of Tune(s)

2012-01-17T20:43:00.003-06:00

What? No cassette player?

It doesn't seem that long ago that my hurry-up Dodge Demon was all the rage, what with the stick shift, the 8-track player and the Starsky and Hutch striping. Of course, even discussing an 8-track player makes me almost an anachronism, but not so much as the new generation of automotive music producers will.
I recently bid a fond adieu to a 1996 Toyota RAV 4 featuring an Oregon Ducks tire cover (depicting Donald Duck) and a cassette player. Even though 250,000 miles hadn't entirely ended its usefulness, my collection of cassette tapes was rapidly dwindling, meaning that sooner rather than later, I would have to depend on (eek!) the radio for in-motion entertainment. No CD player, no MP3 player...just old-fashioned technology that never failed.
The newer edition of the RAV can play CD's, MP3's and even has an auxiliary input so I can hook up my iPod and play 10,000 tracks without repeating (except for "live" and acoustic versions). Of course, it also features satellite radio that reminds me a great deal of FM radio when it made its debut: no commercials, just music. However, I'm too cheap to retain the dealer's subscription so when that runs out, I'll revert to my iPod or CD's. And even then, I'll be something of an old fogey!
CD's are on the way out as audio entertainment. As soon as this model year, there will be more than 330,000 cars sold with no CD player! It's last century's technology. John Canali a research analyst predicts that by 2018 more than 12 million vehicles will be sold that have the potential to interface with a driver's smartphone, enabling the Pandora (and others) application through the car's stereo system. Why is this happening?
The optical drives currently installed for CD players' use are expensive, and Canali opines that it's mostly "older motorists" who still use CD's anyway. Wow! That's harsh...but then, I don't have a smart phone, but all of our children do as well as most people under 40, I would presume. I just don't want to be THAT connected. I need my space; however, I AM getting up there. Maybe Canali figures I'll be dead by 2018.
But then, who'll want all my old CD's and iPods?
Perhaps the Museum of Natural History. They can be exhibited right next to the cave men.

Anticipation is Greater Than Participation

2012-01-16T19:42:00.002-06:00

The Real Macaw?

One of the wonders of the world everyone is supposed to visit before death is the temple area of Angkor Wat in Cambodia: supposedly one of the first settlements of a million people back in the 12th century or so. I managed to get there about 10 years ago before the "tourist companies" discovered it's value. Now, apparently, hotels and five-star restaurants abound throughout the area, and tourists are carrying off chunks of the temples as souvenirs. I am glad to have seen it "before."
Key West was another one of those places I'd always wanted to visit...not so much for the "Margaritaville" atmosphere but for the chance to see water, wildlife and sunsets unparalleled. While I knew the place had undergone tourist-type expansion over the years, I did not expect to be buffeted (pun intended) by people at every turn and see more T-shirt shops than anywhere I'd ever been previously.
Door County, Wisconsin on crack.
The Key West mystique diminished somewhat when I discovered that there was NO sand on the island except what had been brought in from other places. No beaches other than the man-made ones by the hotels. Hundreds of plants and trees, but only a few were native. Take the palm trees: all imported and growing in holes dug out of the coral and filled with soil. The luster dimmed considerably when I found that out though it was mitigated somewhat by exploring that coral reef with fins and a mask.
Getting there was NOT half the fun, either: a four-hour ride from Ft. Lauderdale in an uncomfortable shuttle that dropped riders off at various spots seemed much longer. In the dark, it was hard to see the natural beauty that I knew to be there.Fortunately, there were a couple of bathroom stops! Flying in was an option, but the price was exorbitant.
On the other hand, the sunsets were stunningly everything I had hoped for and more. Bands played at all hours in almost every bar, street performers worked the crowds, and there was no end to the odd and unusual...just as I expected. It was small enough to walk/bike everywhere, and the hotels are most accommodating with free shuttle rides all over the island.
The temperature never varied much: mid to upper-70's during the day and only a few degrees cooler in the evening. Perfect for January in Wisconsin! Snorkeling, kayaking, cycling (with the exception of wayward handlebars) were exceptional. Following dolphins while they gamboled in the crystal clear water: priceless.
All in all, while the sojourn was not exactly a secluded "my island only" trip (unless 3 cruise ships per day at dock equates seclusion), it definitely was something to savor.
Despite being a dream fulfilled, the trip to Key West was nothing like the visit to the Greek Islands, though. I think I've been spoiled and will compare everything I will ever see to that area.
But I will keep on searching for the next best place.

There's No Escape...

2012-01-15T21:02:00.002-06:00

My parents always thought it was simple carelessness on my part. I'll admit that sometimes that might have been true, but I have had numerous examples since the early days to make me wonder: are bicycles out to get me? Are they some form of alien life sent here to drive me (somewhat) into an early demise?
I've never been hit by a car, although I have run INTO cars twice. Fortunately, neither of them was moving at the time. Put those down to carelessness on my part. I ran into a swinging sign at a gas station once while waving to a girl across the street; mark that down to the love vapors swirling around me. In addition, I have run inadvertently into the back wheel of another rider in a paceline (now THAT will stop anyone on a dime) and had any number of other accidents caused by muddy/icy conditions, but those were not my fault. Nor was the latest incident to be laid on my shoulders.
Our hotel-not-to-be-named (Marriott) in Key West rented bikes for the day as most hotels do. They were, of course, the infamous beach cruiser type of bike made for people three feet tall so that no matter how high one jacks up the seat, the pressure on a normal-sized person's knees is painful. Also, since there are no gears on these things, it is impossible to spin the crank backwards while idly cruising along without engaging the brake...another pain-inducing possibility. The high-rise handlebars are designed to be as unattractive as possible on a geek factor of 10+, but at least they stayed attached to the bike itself...unless I happened to be riding.
Yes, it's true. We were idly biking down a relatively busy sidewalk/street section of Key West and moving through an intersections toward the cutout on the opposite curb. A tourist couple, unsure of just which way they wanted to go, stopped in the cutout section just as I approached in the intersection. Naturally, I swerved to the right and lifted the handlebars to negotiate the curb without bending the rim...bad move.
To my astonishment, I found myself on the pavement (still in the intersection) with my partner piled up immediately behind me (also in the intersection) while the tourist pair gawked in amazement at the handlebars in my hand: handlebars that were no longer attached to the bike. Apparently, whoever serviced the hotel bikes did not regularly check the tightness of the handlebar stem; mine was less than tight as evidenced by the fact that they came right out, causing a near catastrophe.
Funny? Not so much.
As luck would have it, the occurrence was on the doorstep of a service station; the attendant loaned me an allen wrench, and I reattached and secured said handlebars so we could continue, bruised and somewhat battered on our daily adventure.
There's no way IO can take the blame for that.
Aliens must have loosened those handlebars just before I got on.
Fortunately, it is now winter in Wisconsin so slipping on snow and ice-covered roads is perfectly logical.
I'll show those alien creeps!

The Latest Communist Purge

2012-01-05T14:29:00.002-06:00

Stressed Out in China

It would appear that it's harder to be the world's leading economy than one might think. Stress levels are at an all-time high, apparently. So the Chinese have decided to do something to relieve the stress: real-life angry birds.
Of course, no animals, avian or pig were harmed by participants at this attraction, a part of a larger theme park named Window of the World. After all, that's lunch we're talking about...even in China. However, for a mere $14 US, attendees can use real life slingshots and catapults as a "method for people to purge themselves and gain happiness," according to an unnamed park administrator. This section of the park was built as part of the monthlong Stress-reducing Festival in Changsha, and is but a small part of the 400,000 square meter theme park.
Stress must be a big deal. Still, I wonder how a player can get the little blue ones to separate into four or five before crashing into the target, or how one makes the red ones go faster and hit with more power. Perhaps the thrill of launching something at a target is the main idea. Eclectic entertainment seems to be popular in China. After all, this is the country that is buying up outdated military equipment from the soviets and turning a Soviet aircraft carrier into a top-flight hotel (opening in 2012).
Those wacky communists. Can Sino-Disney be far behind, or an Asian Girl franchise featuring dolls made in America?

Softening the Blow

2012-01-04T15:19:00.002-06:00

Put a slice on the slice!

And you thought the bacon fad was over~ Not so. People are going hog wild for the latest bandage idea: smells-like-bacon adhesive bandages. Now you, too, can be enveloped in that hickory smoked flavor of bacon, even when you suffer the misfortune of slicing open a finger, a toe, an ear...whatever. I would also suspect these could be used as a sleep aid as well: just stick one on your upper lip, and you'll have a pork-filled slumber that is pleasant AND filling. (unless you wake up hungry as a result!)
In addition to the wound covering, this company also make bacon-flavored toothpaste (perfect for those mornings when you are too rushed for breakfast!), bacon-flavored mints (the perfect after-onion mint) as well as bacon-flavored gumballs. Just imagine: bacon, morning, noon, AND night. Incredible.
Not a real bacon lover? Not to worry!
Made by a company named Accoutrements, these blood-stoppers come in other "flavors." For example, there's mac and cheese as well as pickle-scented bandages (I cannot use "bandaid" because that's a trademark).
At $6.99 for a tin of 15, these might be the best bargain in minor wound coverings, and if the container is accurate, you get a TOY inside each container...and here I was...satisfied with a pig aroma...AND a toy. Wow!
Now these are the kind of accoutrements the French never produced!

Save the Brandy!

2012-01-03T19:58:00.002-06:00

Not Exactly A "Can of Corn."

I'm not sure exactly where the fruitcake got such a bad reputation. I mean, it's dense, sure, but with fruit, nuts, jellied things, imbedded in a cakelike substance soaked in brandy for weeks, it can't be THAT terrible. Yet, it seems that the once royal fruitcake is now longer perched among the upper crust (so to speak) of holiday treats. And the folks in Manitou Springs, Colorado, have a rather unique way of displaying their distaste (as it were) for the now-disgraced edible (in a manner of speaking) concoction.
On January 14th, the good citizens will host, for the 17th consecutive year, the Fruitcake Toss in which contestants vie for awards based on the distance they can heave a one-pound fruitcake. It is supposed that part of the prize is that the contestants will not have to take said fruitcake home with them.
As one might suspect, over the years, new ways of moving the product (so to speak) have been devised. Now, in addition to the basic toss, there exists the Fruitcake Launch, an event which allows participants to use mechanical devices like catapults and pressurized air guns to propel a two-pound fruitcake across vast distances in an empty field. The current record stands at 1500 feet, a feat accomplished by a team of Boeing engineers last year.
Of course, there is also the Catch the Fruitcake competition as well as one featuring accuracy of projecting a fruitcake at targets between 75 and 150 feet away.
The entry fee is a non-perishable food item (not including fruitcakes) to be donated to food pantries nearby, and is open to all comers...who are encouraged to bring their own fruitcakes though a number of them are available for rent, having survived the landings of the previous year.
You still have time to make this the highlight of your new year.
Make a fruitcake.
Leave out the brandy.

Maybe the Math Thing?

2012-01-02T20:38:00.002-06:00

I read...a lot. From September to June, it's textbooks as I attempt to work with college students. During vacations and the remainder of the summer break, I read for fun...a lot. since class ended a week ago, I have read four books and will finish yet another before the week is out; today, though, I began to feel like some kind of anomaly. I don't think publishers realize that I want to read, and the non-bookstore outlets certainly don't believe I'm at all interested. This is how I know:
We were wandering through a general-type big box store today looking for saline and other travel necessities, and my sweetie decided she needed a book for the trip. We proceeded to the book area, and I was amazed to find that there were not more than fifteen or so of the more than a hundred titles that were not obviously aimed at women! From hardbound to paperback, the vast majority of books was aimed at satisfying a female's need for solving relationship issues. Shelf after shelf was lined with Jody Picoult/Nicholas Sparks-type novels, and the only ones I could find potentially aimed at other readers were either biographies or Clive Cussler cookie-cutter novels (if you've read one, you've read most all of them).
It made me think that publishers as well as media outlets figure that guys don't read or that they simply don't sell enough books to guys because of the limited selection: it's a chicken-or-egg kind of question.
Or maybe, men have proven too cheap to actually buy books, preferring the library to bookstores. News that major booksellers are going under might be the result of such a thing, and I know that my local B&N has added toys and a Starbucks and all sorts of non-book items just to stay relevant. Whatever the reason for this kind of expansion, I'm all for it; otherwise, if B&N goes the way of Borders, I will have fewer literary choices (E-readers notwithstanding...I still like to turn pages, and it is said that one reads 25% slower online).
So...maybe it's not that guys don't read...perhaps there's something else at work here. Maybe the rest of them are off solving intricate math problems because that's what guys are supposed to be good at, leaving reading and the other side of the brain to women.
Or maybe it's just me. I've got two more weeks before the semester starts up and it's back to textbooks.

Back in 26 Minutes

2011-12-31T13:59:00.002-06:00

The end of any year involves a great deal of reflection: mostly about what the hell went wrong and how can we avoid making the same mistakes over the next twelve months. I think that's why resolutions are so important...despite the fact that most of them are abandoned within a few weeks. But this year was all about learning new things, according to the BBC news magazine. As a "year-in-review" publication, the news source chronicled the 100 things we learned this year (that we supposedly did not know last year. Each of the 100 things was covered in great length throughout the year, and I found many of them to be most fascinating. The complete list as well as link to the appropriate articles is listed below for your evening reading while waiting for Seacrest and Clark to finish.
However,my top ten things that I didn't know from the list follow immediately, though in no special order:

1. Aristotle was supposed to have been the last man who knew everything there was to know at the time. I always thought it was Ben Franklin, but it turns out not to be true. I suppose...what can one suspect from an individual who thought the turkey would be a great symbol of America?

2. The average hug lasts 3 seconds...and people get irritated if you count out loud just to check. (The last part is based on my independent research).

3. Women's tears reduce sexual desire in men.

4. The first YouTube video was titled "Me at the Zoo." Now THAT really makes me want to view instead of the little girl singing with her dad as corporate shills for Hyundai.

5. Swearing relieves pain. Damn right! It's been a painful year.

6. Yawning cools the brain. I always thought it was the body's way to get oxygen into the brain...not it seems that my brain just gets too hot about 2:30 in the afternoon from all the overuse.

7. Cows have best friends. Really.

8.The perfect nap lasts for 26 minutes. (and there's no law against practicing for perfection!

9. Incan brides had to peel a potato to prove they would make worthwhile wives. You've come a long way, baby!

10. People are less likely to die during their fifth and sixth decades of life than at any other time during their lifetimes.

Safe for another 10 years.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/magazinemonitor/2011/12/100_things_we_didnt_know_last_6.shtml

Amazingly Ginormous as the New Normal

2011-12-30T10:48:00.005-06:00

A Bit of Photo Trickeration

I don't know about you, but for me, New Year's Eve has never really been a noteworthy event. Oh sure, there was Dick Clark for almost every year of my life, but when I can watch the celebration three hours earlier in Australia and get the same thrill (without Kathy Griffin), there's not much sense in staying up. After smooching with the same honey for more than a few decades, staying up late to do that just doesn't titillate. And I certainly never did anything so intriguing as the folks at Lake Superior State University did back in 1975. Those wacky academics decided that it was up to them to cleanse the lexicon of overused words and phrases in hopes of once again offering a purified version of the King's English (with apologies to Elvis). Putting their (egg) heads together, they decided that the time was right to occupy word use.
Anyway, out of that celebration was born an annual poll that was designed to glean from frustrated people the most trite and or overused words of that particular year. To be sure, expressions like "groovy" probably made the list, and "awesome" could have been a top choice as well, but this year's list is no slouch, either.
In the 37th annual poll of words that should be relegated to the "lexicographic scrap heap" are the following. Pick your favorites and DON'T USE THEM in 2012.

Getting the most votes this year was "amazing," decried as blatantly overused as well as incorrectly used (really?). Anderson Cooper, for example, is said to have used this word three times in the opening 45 seconds of a program. That's amazing...oops.

Anyway, thanks to Beyonce, we were bombarded with "baby bump" references throughout the year, and I would be happy to see that disappear as well...though it's better than "knocked up" or some other colorful appellation for that, um, condition.

OK...while I do not have the entire list featured on CNN.com, here are some of the other notables:
"shared sacrifice, occupy, blowback, man cave, ginormous, the new normal, and trickeration" (a word I especially hate because it makes sports people look like the idiots everyone else already supposed them to be!).

Finally, in this election decade (notice it promises to last unabated for the next ten years) there is "Win the future," an ideal extolled by politicians everywhere. The way I see it, it would be less than possible to "lose" the future. It will be here whether we wish it to be or not. The Mayans, of course, have a different vision for 2012, and if theirs is closer to reality than I want to believe...
"Arm-a-Geddin" out of here.

Finally: Avoiding the Feminine Products Aisle

2011-12-29T21:26:00.003-06:00

It would seem that major brands as well as major retail outlets have discovered something I could have told them years ago: the reason men generally don't like to shop! I noticed long ago that most shopping venues from malls to big box stores cater to women. Men are simply ignored as shoppers. It is something of a chicken-or-the-egg phenomenon, I think: do men hate shopping because there's not much for them to feel comfortable looking at, or do retailers stock things only women buy because they know men aren't shopping? Whatever the case, it would appear that the days of men feeling uncomfortable at places other than Cabela's or Fleet Farm are history.
A consumer research result recently released by GfK MRI and seconded by ESPN (?) noted that the percentage of men now shopping for everything from groceries to personal care items has shot up to 31%...a whopping 17% increase from 1985. Part of the reasoning for this includes the fact that men are becoming a bit more metrosexual, I guess and connecting with the kids, but part of it might just be that men are becoming more adventurous and doing some of the cooking while not expecting the "little woman" to buy toiletries and groceries that HE will like. That old stereotype of men as neanderthal-like, both disengaged and incompetent seems to be fading away like the credits of and old Humphrey Bogart movie...and it's just getting nationwide recognition from some big names.
Procter and Gamble began testing "man aisles" in stores as recently as 2009 in order to make shopping more comfortable for men who would no longer have to search the bottom shelves for "their" products, dodging women and teenage girls who were seeking more "feminine" items. It must have been about this time that men began thinking products like body wash (not to be confused with soap) and assorted skin care items were important to them, and they began seeking them out. Finding aisles specifically dedicated to manly products like this allowed males to swagger through and make their own choices without having products foisted upon them by caring females. Of course, this trend may have coincided with the onslaught of commercials showing desirable women pawing all over men who used such products..hey! it works with beer and cars...why not skin care?
All in all, guys like my friend Mark have taken to the shopping experience after realizing that they have "other" wants and desires as well. Face it...it takes a special woman to know exactly what a man wants in toiletries, junk food and intoxicants...and Fleet Farm has only junk food to offer of the three!
Now, if we could just make those "green" shopping bags look a little bit less like purses!

Out of Whack! Whack! Whack!

2011-12-28T20:59:00.002-06:00

Don't You DARE Cross This Line With Your Broom!

I've always felt that we in this country get a little crazy about the whole Christmas thing: is it a religious celebration? Is it an extended Black Friday? Is it a chance merely to eat and drink a lot with no reason to deny excess? Is it simply a reason for entire families to get together and cry and whine and shout and pout about crappy gifts and "who should be a better parent"? Much has been made about this latest generation's "entitlement" issues, and I have to admit that as I sat in a food court the other day watching a junior high-aged person listening to Dr. Dre Beats headphones (which I cannot afford), the same idea occurred to me: there should be a big stink because we are spoiling our children rotten...and they expect it!
Maybe Jimmy Kimmel was onto something when he asked people to give their kids crappy gifts then record the reaction. Mean-spirited? yes. He did the same thing at Hallowe'en when he asked parents to lie to their kids that they had eaten all of the candy...and record the children's responses. Wait a minute! Why should we be doing the job of making HIS show funny? Anyway, every year the same old argument comes up about the excess and capitalistic greed infecting this country and especially our children. Maybe so.
We gave one of our children a sheep this year. Fortunately, the sheep goes to some family in the third world as part of a World Vision plot to make everyone healthier and somewhat happier, despite troubling situations. Now, whether or not, he will get a letter from the sheep giving its name and showing how its wool will be used or how many sheeplings it has...nobody knows. It was a great gift, I though...and he did not complain about it. But, I digress...we are not the only ones confronting issues at Christmas.
It seems in Bethlehem at the Church of the Nativity, two religious groups have been in actual combat over their mission to clean the church for Midnight Mass...again.
Priests from the greek Orthodox and Armenian Orthodox persuasions share the task of keeping one of the holiest shrines in all of Christendom in good shape; thus, every year, they get together to sweep the place up and give it a thorough going-over. However, this year, just like previous years, a melee broke out over some minor issue involving who was doing what and where...so several dozen of each sect went to swinging brooms at each other and (probably) swearing as well. Police had to be called with batons and riot shields (again), but no one was arrested since the combatants were all "men of God."
Funny, that religious angle is what people have been using as an excuse for blowing themselves and others up. And, of course, there were several versions of the Crusades...but swinging brooms IN church?
There will be more smiting before long, I suspect!

Too Good To Wait

2011-12-20T21:26:00.001-06:00

My original plan today was to discuss why college age students didn't know where Bangladesh was or why they thought Kim Jong Il was a golfer (believe it...today's class!). However, in light of new information, this blog has to be all about this tidbit:
http://eatocracy.cnn.com/2011/12/20/behold-the-smoreo/?hpt=hp_bn8

You've Come A Long Way...Sir

2011-12-19T21:17:00.003-06:00

What's next? A handy carrying pouch?

As is true in most households, I suspect, the counter space in the bathroom is not equally divided in our house. I have a small space for contact lens solutions, a toothbrush holder and a spot to place the splint I have to wear at night to keep from awakening the neighbors by grinding what's left of my molars. The rest of the 3.5 acre space is devoted to all things feminine. The only things I recognize (or care to divulge) are the three or four bottles of "eau de Something" hair dryer, jewelry cases, soaps, and in order to avoid getting caught with my jargon down, bottles and tubes of "other" stuff. Most of the female accouterments are of the "you don't want to ask, and I wouldn't tell you anyway" variety, so I merely guard my space jealously and watch helplessly as the pile grows large enough on the other side of the sink to be confused with a cityscape from a Godzilla movie. But that might change...
First of all, who knew I even needed a product that would renew my face after a long, sleepless, and probably eventful (if I could remember it) night? apparently, I am the last to find out about Nickel's Morning After Rescue Gel, filled with a touch of menthol to stimulate my otherwise listless brain cells, and enough caffeine to tighten up all the pores (and presumably saggy parts) on my face. Heck, I've just been sucking on cough drops and throwing a Coke in my face every morning...now, I can be a sophisticate!
While I'm discussing my face, I've noticed lately that every woman I meet peers intently at my face as if noticing all the grime-filled pores left from a too-careless face wash (or...they are recalling a face they've seen on the post office wall.) The smart money says that every woman notices such things, and I should clean up my act...using Clinique's Face Scrub Exfoliant Visage. never mind that it feels (supposedly) like silt on one's face and doesn't lather (where's the fun?); it is supposed to work magic on every guy's face...and, face it, we mostly need some magic.
And finally, the sun has played hell on my face for years (I thought it was heredity). Fortunately, Skin Authority's Age-defying Hydrating Sunscreen provides the answer: moisturizing, sun-blocking AND young-infusing? Gotta get some.
There will be something of a hostile takeover of counter space in the bathroom this holiday season. Even "real" men need to take care of their faces.
Or maybe I'll just move to the spare bathroom.

Value What You Have

2011-12-15T20:53:00.003-06:00

The Price of College

Our first semester just ended, and as I reflect on the 50 students I had, I wonder how many of them will remember what they "learned" in a semester-long writing course. More importantly, I wonder if any of them even realized the value of the opportunity they had: an opportunity that many people don't have. For example, I had four students who failed because they would refuse to come to class. Others had to leave early at various times because they "had to work," and I cannot even remember how many grandparents took the Big Sleep this semester (fortunately, none more than once). One student even missed class on the day that she was having her cat put to sleep. And, of course, there were many students disguised as empty chairs on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Hawa Akther Jui would have been in class that day...and every day...even without fingers.
In another amazing story from around the world in which a woman is denied education and punished for her desire for it comes the story of Ms. Akther whose husband mutilated her right hand because she wanted to go to college. The story gets even more bizarre: the couple lives in Bangledesh, but he works in another country. When she said she wanted to go to college, he vowed there would be "dire consequences" if she dared to be more educated than he. Upon his arrival home, he said he had a surprise for her which required him to tie her in a chair and tape her mouth shut. He then cut off all the fingers on her writing hand.
What followed was a bit unclear in the BBC story. A relative threw away the fingers so the six hours (the time in which they could be successfully reattached) would elapse, giving her no hope of ever having fingers again on that hand.
Fortunately,Rafiquel Islam is in jail and seems destined for significant punishment. I would hope it might involve chopping something off of HIS hand, or foot, or...
The young lady of 21 still plans to get a higher education and has begun learning to write with her left hand.
Really.
Too bad my students have no more class periods. They would definitely see this.

Cashing In On Tebow

2011-12-14T15:05:00.002-06:00

How much is too much?

I am really ambivalent about this whole "Tebow" thing. Granted, I had my photo taken posing just like everyone else. I thought is was a fun alternative to planking; now that the Broncos have exploded onto the football scene with Tebow as the signal-caller, everyone is trying to jump on the bandwagon and proclaim him the Second Coming (at least, in football terms). But now, everyone is trying to cash in, like this artist featured today in Sports Illustrated who has for sale Tebow Christmas cards at 3 bucks a pop. That being said...
Tim Tebow is reputed to be a wonderful person, deeply religious, and an all-around good guy. I applaud that. There are far too few guys like him in the world, let alone in professional sports where many youngsters take their role models. I also love the fact that he has been dogged since he was drafted as not being the prototypical pocket passer, etc. and he HAS had some ugly passing stats. I'm all for the underdog. However, when sportswriters start writing things like "MVP" for the leader of an 8-5 team, it gets a bit silly.
And now, the next person in line is trying to use someone else's fame to score a cash windfall. I'm just jaded enough to hate that idea...and adding the religious context guarantees that not only religious folks but football fans might be snapping these up like they're in the two-minute drill.
If you are still interested, the remainder of this post is the article in SI.com as well as a few other tidbits. I, for one, will not be buying any...not because I hate Tim Tebow, the Broncos, or religious observances, but because I resent the fact that someone is trying to cash in on somebody else's talent (much like sports agents do!). And even though the artist claims that he will donate "a portion" of his profits to charity, I'm still jaded enough to wonder how big that portion might be! Also, claiming Tebow to be the NFL equivalent of Jesus might be just a bit too blasphemous for some.

"Looking for that unique gift idea for the Denver Broncos fan in your life, but have no clue as to what to get them? Your worries are over my friend, now that these Tim Tebow Tebowing Christmas cards are available for purchase on eBay. Where else can you find a drawing of baby Jesus and his full-grown, NFL quarterbacking equivalent on the same piece of paper?

For a mere $15 you get five of these glorious creations from an unknown Colorado artist, out of the 1000 that were produced. If you ask me, without sounding sacrilegious, I’m pretty sure God is the artist in question who designed and created these one-of-a-kind X-mas cards. Hey, even the big man in the sky could use a little extra cash for the holiday season."

From the eBay listing…

The cover of this card features Tim Tebow, the Heisman Trophy winner, dedicated Christian witness, and newly-chosen quarterback of the Denver Broncos, in his signature “Tebowing” pose, paying honor to the Child Jesus. The Star of Bethlehem illuminates the scene, and its light shining for all to see is a reminder of God’s Love: a love that embraces everyone, and that turns no one away, no matter their race, nationality, religion, orientation, income level, or disabilities.

Any football fan who reads the sports pages in newspapers today, or visits the leading sports websites, often sees an unpleasant scene filled with greed, out of control egos, and bad behavior. While Tim Tebow has never claimed to be perfect, his winning combination of athletic ability, determination, friendliness, authenticity, and a deep faith have won him many thousands, if not millions, of sports fans across the United States, and indeed, all over the world. Sharing these cards, with their simple image of a good guy who never fails to give glory to God, would be a great way to show your support for Tim and all he stands for.

That write-up may be the most Tim Tebow-ish thing ever.

On a serious note, the artist also says in the listing that he plans on donating a portion of the proceeds from the sale of the cards to “trustworthy Colorado charities which assist children in need and their families.”

Another Celebrity Breakup

2011-12-13T20:42:00.002-06:00

Was Bachman Right?

It seems like another celebrity couple has been broken apart by a woman...not that this is unusual in most cases, but Buddy and Pedro have been together for a year and became HUGE celebrities when folks discovered that both penguins were male. Now, Farai has come between them, and the "bromance" is over.
Actually, that's what the more voyeuristic of the news folks might say. Both Buddy, 21, and Pedro,10, are African penguins at the Toronto zoo. Opponents and proponents of gay marriage have taken them up as symbols (though only God knows why!) of what is right/wrong/normal/abnormal in the world. Truth is, while they shared a nest, it was a social not a sexual arrangement, according to the zoo director.
Buddy had already sired children (what are baby penguins called, anyway?) though Pedro had not. since they are members of an endangered species, zoo officials felt that they needed to procreate to keep the species alive...enter Farai...and immediately Buddy drops all pretense with Pedro, left the man cave and took up with the hussy penguin!
Poor Pedro, broken hearted and looking for love (realize this is irony here) has made attempts to track down female companionship but has been rebuffed so far (will that make him more shiny?)
Anyway, the gay and anti-gay folks will be all over this story soon, and I will continue to shake my head about what idiots some people can be.
Next, she'll be posing on the cover of Playguin Magazine!

Wait Watching

2011-12-10T20:55:00.002-06:00

I sat behind a person today at a green light; we both wanted to turn left, but the person whose gender will remain anonymous simply couldn't decide to turn. Traffic wasn't heavy, but an occasional car would appear, causing the person in front of me to go two feet and stop. Eventually, the light turned yellow, and the car in front of me got to turn while I was left fuming (somewhat) at the red light. I vowed aloud to chase that person down and discuss courtesy, but that wasn't really why I was upset. I was upset because I hate waiting. I figure years of my life have been spent waiting for things, and some of the things I don't even want! As I get ever closer to the Big Sleep, I get more and more irascible if I have to wait. Today, it was suggested that I simply stand on the corner at a busy intersection and dispense advice to motorists since I knew it all. I won't say who gave me THAT tidbit of advice, either. Anyway, waiting can be tolerable or infuriating, and I guess I need to distinguish between the two.

INTOLERABLE:
1. Waiting to be seated at a restaurant. I know people in Wisconsin belly up to the bar and enjoy a beverage while hanging around waiting for a table. It's part of the social life. I, however, have come to eat, and I want to eat NOW! I can drink more cheaply at home, and I have very few friends with whom to socialize. (maybe it's my impatient personality!)

2. Driving around looking for a parking spot. Visiting my son and his family in Chicago is a heart stoppage waiting to happen. Wasting gas, driving endlessly around a five-block area looking for that ONE spot...then knowing that some jerk is going to hit my car from either the back or the front while he (or she) maneuvers into a too-small space. And don't even get me started on parking lots during the shopping season. I'll order everything online.

3. Waiting for holidays to arrive is hard. Knowing that they come too slowly and leave too quickly is the worst part...just like summer. It NEVER gets here until July, then the leaves start falling already, it seems.

4. Waiting for a medical person. Look, I make an appointment for a reason! I am prepared to sit in line checking out groceries or getting a car wash, but when I have a medical issue, I do NOT want to sit and wait, especially, if it's the dentist. since they seemed to have stopped giving nitrous oxide, it's no fun going to the dental clinic...even if they DO have this smiling tooth on the window and 70's BeeGees on the stereo.

5. Waiting to get home so I can go to the bathroom. 'Nuff said.

TOLERABLE:
1. Waiting for dessert when I know it's following a meal at a restaurant I really like.

2. Waiting 90 seconds for my coffee to brew in my new coffee maker.

3. Waiting for the newest book by any author I really like. The anticipation is almost better than the satisfaction of reading the book.

4. Waiting for the time I actually retire (without working at all). I like what I do and find it hard to imagine there will be a time for just sitting on the porch, reading and relaxing.

5. Waiting for the next election cycle...I'm just cynical enough to realize that I will be disappointed no matter WHAT happens.

Toxocariasis or Gold? Easy Choice!

2011-12-08T20:50:00.002-06:00

Check your shoes!

I'm not a cat lover. In fact, you might consider me anti-cat. Perhaps it's because I never owned one, or perhaps I hate things as independent as I try to be. Whatever...I will say this about cats, though, they seldom poop in the park.
Green Bay, like probably every city planet-wide, has a "No Dogs in the Park" rule. Of course, dog owners totally ignore the law, letting their animals run freely through the city park across the street from our house. OK, fine, but don't let them pee on the bushes my wife is trying hard to grow in order to beautify the park sign, and PICK UP AFTER THEM! Cats at least have the dignity to do their "business" in the privacy of a litter box. Dogs have no shame. that's why we need an incentive like the one offered in New Taipei City recently.
It seems as if city fathers and residents finally had had enough of dog poo lying everywhere, threatening shoe soles and health, especially of small children. See, dog feces has a bacteria which can be extremely harmful to humans who ingest it...and children are probably more likely than most adults to be the recipient of this sidewalk choco-log.
As a result, anyone who picked up dog droppings and brought them to a designated location was presented with a lottery ticket. Cash prizes, household appliances and small ingots of gold (yes, gold!) were offered as prizes. Over the course of the several-month contest, 4,000 people brought in 14,500 bags of the stuff! The top cash prize of $2,200 was won by a 50-year-old woman. The event got so popular that people were organizing teams to go in search of the offending material! Hey, cash is cash...I know people who still pick up the odd aluminum can alongside the road for the same reason!
Picture this: a dog squats alongside the street and five people lurk behind nearby trees, awaiting the magic moment when they can rush in with the pooper scooper and carry off the treasure! Imagine the melee that might erupt when the dog's owner claims first rights to the offending melange! We'd need another ordinance!
I'll bet the folks that sponsored the concealed weapon carry law in Wisconsin didn't take THAT scenario into conssideration when they proposed such legislation!

Who ARE these People?

2011-12-06T20:48:00.002-06:00

Y Not?

Clutching My Wallet Tightly

None of the family is able to make the Packers' game this Sunday. I had won the right to buy tickets by virtue of living in Brown county and being taxed at half a percent on everything for approximately 15 years...some bonanza! At any rate, I purchased tickets to this game figuring the fans among the kids would come home for it; alas, one is moving to Denver, and the other is incapacitated and unable to travel. That left me with four tickets to a game that I wasn't all that thrilled to see. So, in the spirit of "finally getting something after being taxed all this time," I sold the tickets and now have something of a windfall...a benefit that I thought might well go toward something nice for She-who-hates-to-be-mentioned-in-a-blog. After all, it IS the season of giving, and SHE has tickets to the game against the Detroit Lions on New Year's Day: a game that I would MUCH rather see.
So, I'm trolling the internet and land upon a "must-have" gift site, though immediately I sensed danger. Names likeAshley Morgan, Miriam Haskell, Maichesa, Judith Ripka, and David Yurman popped up in connection with some names I actually recognized like Yves St. Laurent, Omega, DeBeers and Cartier (who I thought produced infant clothes...apparently not).
While the gifts were definitely in the "Love It" range, they were mostly in the "Can't Afford It" price range, as one might expect from companies featured in Time magazine.
In case you have a less volatile cash flow than I do, here are some choices:

A Gucci checkers set: $4,350.00

Ashley Morgan Diamond Slice Necklace: $2,000-$8,000

Omega Seamaster Planet Ocean 600m Watch: $7,900.00 (with rubber band)

One of the 70 new pieces in the Cartier Sortileges de Cartier collection (this one had a brown diamond surrounded by amethyst)
OR
DeBeers Swan Lake necklace. PRICE FOR BOTH AVAILABLE UPON REQUEST TO THE JEWeLRY COMPANY
uh...sure

There's always the Maichesa beaded clutch for $3,495.00 that is just perfect to carry, well, you know...stuff... when attending that little soiree. Can't you just see the guy sweat when his lady says, "Honey, will you hold this while I freshen up?"

And, from Yves St. Laurent, the poppy handbag that goes for $1,995.00.
But I'll bet you can get any of this stuff on EBay cheaper.

I'll be heading to Target.

Is It Just Men?

2011-12-05T21:55:00.002-06:00

I have long held the belief that we are all somewhat the same. Oh, there are basic differences in temperament, socioeconomic status, Freudian issues and all of that, but I think, deep down, people are basically wired somewhat the same way. As much as many of us refuse to admit it, we could be criminals given the right set of circumstances. The accident (or Divine Plan, if you wish), of our birth parents and location started each of us in a direction, but we don't always stay on the same path because we make decisions for ourselves. OK, I think we can agree on that.
Consequently, no matter what Cosmo or Men are From Mars... imply or flat out say, men and women share a great deal of the same characteristics. Maybe men have a gene that relates to finding directions without a GPS, map, or female telling him where to go; maybe women have a gene that allows them to be right EVERY SINGLE TIME. Maybe that's all true, but one thing seems to be disproportionate, and I'm not sure it's accurate: I'm thinking about the number of men who do really dumb things (mostly of a financial or sexual nature) yet one almost NEVER hears of women making those mistakes.
Herman Cain and Bishop Eddie Long are just the most recent in a relatively LONG line this year of men who have let "urges" get the better of them...or at least we're just now finding out about it. But what about women? I have to think that they, too, have "urges," yet I cannot recall the last time the news media was agog over anything (except Britney, maybe) even close to that titillating. I mean the woman politician who was exorcised to expel a demon or something or the one whose husband could pray gays straight...that's the best/worst we could find?
It would be easy to say that women are just smarter or have more self-control or a more controlling superego...and maybe that's true. I just happen to think otherwise. And it's not that I'm misogynistic at all...I just believe humanity is...well, human.
I'm puzzled, and I could be all wrong about the whole theory.
But that's because I'm a guy.

One Step Up...Two Steps Back

2011-12-02T20:07:00.003-06:00

Soon-To-Be-Ex-Virgins

In a world in which a woman is the Secretary of State of a major Western power meets with a woman fresh out of a two-year house arrest in some faraway country (is it Burma or Myanmar?) and the meeting causes ripples throughout the political world, it is absurd what duress other women find themselves under.
Yesterday, an Afghan woman was released from prison: a place she's been kept since she accused a man of raping her...on the condition that she marry the guy. really. WTF?
Today's news features a report from a noted Saudi cleric to the Saudi Arabian Legislative Assembly (called the Shura Council) that addresses the issue of women being allowed to drive. a car. really. and there's more.
The report asserts that should women be allowed to drive vehicles, the state of virginity would be lost forever. Not only that, but there would be an incremental rise in prostitution, pornography, homosexuality and divorce. all because women would be behind the wheel.
Admittedly, the Saudis want to keep their women pure and chase without temptation from strange men, but these women get in cars every day DRIVEN BY MEN NOT THEIR RELATIVES! Duh!
King Abdullah has recently shown an impulse to think about allowing women to drive (prodded significantly by a wife, no doubt), and the conservative religious elite are all having a collective hissy fit.
Now, maybe I'm naive, but most of the nefarious action that I've heard about involving girls and guys and cars happened in the seat OTHER than the front, and women were definitely NOT behind the wheel at the time.
Seems to me that having women behind the wheel would be the safest place to guard things like virginity...unless they're driving to a brothel to meet other lesbians, watch porn, and decide how to dump their idiot husbands.
You go, Girl!

Parents Everywhere...Read This!

2011-11-29T20:30:00.002-06:00

And this is why China is dominating the world economic market?

http://globalpublicsquare.blogs.cnn.com/2011/11/28/tiger-mother-meet-wolf-father/?hpt=hp_bn4

Geocrashing

2011-11-28T21:48:00.002-06:00

Quickly: Where is Santorini?

As a teacher, I think it's my responsibility to give A's as much as possible. That's why I try to get to the bloodmobile every time it comes to campus. As an A+ blood type, I think it's only right that I spread some of that around. Sometimes, though, there is a disquieting moment when I begin to wonder about the quality of things. Take last week:
In filling out the form after reading all the information (that nobody ever reads), I noticed that the list of places where one must not travel has become much more extensive. Added to the list this time were places like Turkey, which made me wonder about my eligibility since I'd been to Istanbul less than six months ago on my honeymoon.
Just to be safe, I asked the nurse-like person who was doing the preliminary checklist if Turkey was a problem; having assured me that the questionnaire meant had I LIVED anywhere like that for six months (even though there was no indication of that on the form I usually don't read). Suddenly curious, though, she then asked if I'd been anywhere else outside the good ol' U S of A. I said that I'd also been in Greece and Crete, whereupon she got a befuddled look on her face and began to furiously pound her laptop in an attempt to find Crete anywhere. Totally embarrassed, she finally asked me where it was and was it a separate country somewhere? She was definitely not a student of Greek myths...I mean, Zeus was supposedly BORN on Crete, and the Minotaur? Really?
Eventually, she discovered it, right where I noted it would be, and she admitted that she was somewhat geographically challenged. I had to admit that, in some cases, I am,too: all the "-stan" countries with more consonants than vowels always leave me scratching my head as do the African countries that have changed names from when I used to watch Wild Kingdom. But Crete?
While she did not know geography, she DID know how to extract blood from my arm in a more or less painless fashion, thereby spreading A+ throughout the Green Bay area, limiting the number of future cretins.
Or is it Cretans?

Black-Ops: Grammar Caper

2011-11-27T21:14:00.002-06:00

Face It: They HAD Their Chance

I'm not the type of person to go all "Navy Seal" on an issue: normally, I will have my little meltdowns publicly (see Coke-Ops of ten years ago), and I try to get folks to see the right way of things: my way. Sadly, at times, I'm just another kook who must be patted on the head until he goes away...tilting at some other windmill. But tonight was different.
I don't know if it was the fact that I had to work sunday night or that there were 35 essays awaiting my critical eye or that a student who was scheduled to meet with me decided she needed to unpack (even though she has a critical essay due tomorrow morning) or that I was just feeling ornery after a less-than-scintillating weekend. Whatever it was, my inner vigilante got out, and I made a move others were too afraid, ignorant or lazy to make. The Grammar Gods are smiling about now.
At the entrance to the fitness center in the athletics department where I work, there is a sign that informs visitors that they may not wear "outside" shoes while exercising in the facility but must, instead,have another pair just for getting their sweat on. The sign, which has caused me immense aggravation for 11 weeks, read "Second pair of shoes are required."
I've always felt that a university should promote literacy at every turn, so I noted the error to several people in the appropriate manner. I verbally pointed out the mistake and offered "student of the year" points to whoever fixed it; I discussed the matter with the head of the physical plant as well as the head of the intramural activities. None of them cared enough to change the plural verb into the correct singular form. In fact, I'm not completely certain any of them even understood the concept of subject-verb agreement. Once I pointed it out, however, I would have expected someone to fix the error: after all, it was only a Word document with a picture of a pair of shoes ( a PAIR, NOT two shoes). Nobody cared.
Tonight, however, I cared more deeply than ever. After the staff had left, and I was certain that my student appointment was not coming, I slipped surreptitiously through the darkened hallways, filched the offending sign, and duplicated it so that it now reads "Second pair of shoes is required." The stealth with which I completed this maneuver would have done an Edgar Alan Poe character justice, copying the message on pink...just as the original was, and in the original font. I apologized the the wood nymphs and tree gods for using six sheets of paper to get the size just right.
No doubt, the place will be agog tomorrow when the alteration is discovered.
I'll have to remember to wipe off the face black.

Scientists At Facebook? Who Knew?

2011-11-21T21:48:00.002-06:00

Back in 1967, a psychologist named Stanley Milgram completed a study in which 296 volunteers were asked to send a postcard to a specific person in a Boston suburb...by sending it to a friend of theirs who would, in turn, send it to a friend, etc. until someone finally knew the person and mailed it to the right address. The average number of mailings to get the postcard to the correct person? Six: thus we had the famous "six degrees of separation." Now, according to scientists at Facebook and the University of Milan, that number has dropped to 4.74 degrees of separation. Their diagnostic tool? What else? Facebook.
With 721 million subscribers worldwide (more than 1/10 of the world's population), the survey was completed in a month and yielded the dramatic decrease. Microsoft had attempted much the same experiment in 2008 and arrived at a number of 6.6 degrees of separation. However, Microsoft targeted 240 million people who regularly sent messages to each other instead of the "friends" utilized by Facebook. Face it, most of us never interact with our "friends," or at least the majority of those people we have friended on the social networking giant.
Still, it is amazing that we are so closely connected.
You'd think the latest "supercommittee" could have been more effective...after all, they were sitting right NEXT to each other and, apparently, didn't talk to one another...and certainly didn't LISTEN to one another.
My Facebook "friends" are more reliable.

Trypping the Light Fantastic

2011-11-20T21:26:00.004-06:00

It's That Time Again

There's just something about Thanksgiving that creates an excitement that is unparalleled. For some, it's a couple of days away from the grind of school or work (unless one is in retail!). for some, it's more football in a couple of days than one can possibly take...complete with snacks and beverages non-stop for the entire weekend. For some, it's just the food part that is so appealing. Christmas has its ham, but Thanksgiving is dedicated to the turkey...once favored by Ben Franklin as the symbol of America...only to lose out to that carrion-clawing eagle. Anyway, here are some interesting facts to throw out at the dinner table while everyone is still less-than-comatose:

1. Turkeys are not stupid, and they are definitely not slow: 15 m.p.h with a three-foot stride almost qualifies this fowl for the winner's circle at the annual Turkey Trot.

2. And speaking of the turkey trot...it was originally the name of a scandalous (and therefore popular) dance in the early 1900's. Bet you wish you knew how to do THAT! the in-laws would be dumbfounded (instead of just dumb!)

3. The turkey figured in the national pastime in days, well, past. In 1931, the colorful manager of the Chattanooga Lookouts minor league team once traded a player for a turkey...and the meat was dry, according to Joe Engel, the instigator of this scheme.

4. In the spring, a male turkey can change the color of his head from normal to blue, red or white, in a matter of seconds. Now THAT'S patriotic. I'll bet an eagle cannot do that.

5.That whole "Tryptophan in the turkey makes a person so sleepy as to fall completely unconscious on the couch in a matter of seconds" urban legend is just that: a myth. Fact is, turkeys contain no more of that chemical than any other meat...it's just that we tend to eat like there's to be no more food until the Christmas ham hits the table in a month. THAT'S why people fall asleep!

Feel free to bandy thse nuggets about on Thanksgiving...it'll be jake with me.

"Two Guys Walk Into A Bar, and..."

2011-11-13T19:27:00.003-06:00

Is it working yet?

I have had only a few teachers in my life who were female (many of them were nuns), only one wife, one daughter, and no sisters, so I'm not sure I can be the best judge of this, but it seems like an interesting proposition: men are funnier than women. Actually, it's not that we are funnier...it's that we are perceived to be funnier. Maybe it's because men are more likely to tell jokes in mixed company or when trying to attract a female (not MY theory, but a theory, nonetheless) while women tend to be less likely to want the spotlight or don't enjoy humor...whatever; according to Laura Mickes, a postdoctoral psychology researcher at the university of California-SanDiego, men are definitely perceived by both sexes as being funnier. Here was her research:
32 undergraduate men and women were given the task of writing funny captions for 20 cartoons...and they were given 45 minutes to complete the task. At that point, 34 undergraduate men and 37 co-eds were asked to rate the comments, not knowing which caption was written by males and which were written by the distaff set.
Captions written by men were judged to be funnier, though the difference was only .11
Mickes found that, while men tended to use sexual humor and profanity more frequently, they only did so by the slightest margin!
Part two of the analysis dealt with memory bias and humor. While all of the respondents remembered the captions they thought were funny, most identified their favorites as being written by men...whether they had been or not! Finally, Mickes asked the respondents how funny they thought THEY were on a scale of one to five.
The men averaged 2.3 while the women ranked themselves on average at 1.5 on the five-point scale.
Thus, one might postulate from Mickes research that while men aren't necessarily funnier than women, they ARE cockier!
Hey, whatever, as long as women laugh and pretend to think we're funny or attempts at humor catch a young lady's ear and eye...it's all good.
Better than smashing beer cans on the forehead.

Well, I'll Be Tie-Dyed!

2011-11-11T15:34:00.003-06:00

Cheech or Chong?

Around the corner from my office, about 10 feet away, are containers for recycling materials both oil-based and tree-based. I mention that because the students who visit my office are in the habit of tossing their Gatorade and chocolate milk containers in my trash can. I get righteously indignant and make them take it to the recycling. They are often bemused by my steadfast belief that I'm helping to save the planet. After all, I work at the university of Wisconsin-GREEN Bay. besides, what would the custodial staff think if I were to simply leave plastic containers in the trash? Many "tsks" would be uttered, no doubt. But these are kids several generations removed from the hippie movement in which many of us participated (YOU had bell bottoms, admit it, and paisley is bound to make a comeback soon!).
While it is PC (or Mac, I forget which) to be environmentally conscious, and many places have mandatory recycling laws, I feel bad that today's kids didn't get to experience the hippie culture from most respects. I mean when Jerry Garcia's memory is relegated to a line of neckwear or an ice cream flavor, things have definitely taken a sharp, downward trend. So, for the rest of us, the important question remains:
What kind of hippie are YOU? The Mother Nature Network has a list containing possible hippie-types, and it is certain that we can all find ourselves on the list somewhere...from the Anti-Hippie to the Fully Loaded Hippie, there's a category for all of us. Check it out former-and-now-closet hippies.

http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/responsible-living/stories/the-hippie-continuum-what-level-hippie-are-you

A Vacay of Titanic Proportion

2011-11-09T21:29:00.002-06:00

HOW Far Down?

People of a certain age decide that life is short and that hoarding money isn't a good option so they decide to see the world. A friend of mine claims to be one of the last tourists to visit Antarctica before the fragile ecology makes it off limits to tourists unless they want to kayak to get there! Seeing the wilds of Africa from a Land Rover or hang gliding over volcanoes are but two of the incredible adventures people tend to take as they see the end of the trail approaching. Of course, some people heliski when they're young as well, but, generally, incredible vacations come right after the sports car and the end of a mortgage. So, if you are in that frame of mind, here is what might be considered the ultimate experience: visiting the Titanic.
Horizon & Company will, for a fee, drop you 12,500 feet below the surface of the North Atlantic for a close up view of a legendary ship that's been underwater for a hundred years (no Kate Winslet, though). With the aid of the same submersible used in movies footage featuring the doomed behemoth, you can actually see the bow section, the grand staircase, the bridge, and the promenade area in person. It's all part of a 15-day excursion involving all things Titanic.
The adventure begins in Halifax, Nova Scotia and involves presentations by oceanographers, historians and the like though the big moment occurs when you and one guide drop into the ocean in a Mir submersible for two and a half hours JUST TO GET TO THE SITE then spend time exploring the remains of the fabled craft that went down on April 14-15 of 1912.
Tours depart next summer on June 30, July 12, July 27 and August 6. I would imagine space is limited (mostly to those who can afford it), and if diving that far underwater is just too creepy, you can still take the excursion, sans the dive.
The trip that includes the dive costs $66,257 but if you want to stay topside, the cost drops dramatically to $12,498.
Been there done that? This is the trip for you!
Call 800-387-2977 and Horizon & Company can definitely hook you up (and drop you down as well!)

THAT'S A Load Off My Mind!

2011-11-08T19:29:00.002-06:00

Seen at sporting events everywhere

All they can get is Wolfman Jack from somewhere in Mexico.

What with European money markets crashing, countries on the brink of REAL disaster, starvation and sex scandals everywhere, it's good to know that someone is out there looking out for us. Today, in response to two separate petitions on the "We the People" website, the government offered the definitive word on alien life, just as an asteroid was passing close enough to get the telescope geeks, well, geeked.
According to Phil Larson of the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy (who says government is too big?), "No evidence that any life exists outside our planet." In addition, "There is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public eye." That's a relief! All of that Area 51 crap can be laid to rest! However, if you have several close friends, you, too, can have your questions answered by those in power.Sadly, it will take MORE of your friends now than before. Prior to this latest outpouring of information, all it took to get a response on a petition to the White House was 5,000 signatories. I suppose after things like "We really want to know whether or not there has been alien contact," the people who were otherwise busy at keeping gate crashers out of official state dinners decided that there needed to be a more strict policy. Thus, now it will take 25,000 signatories to get your petition a response. I can propose a few questions I'D like to see answered:

1. Why can't the government get a playoff system in college football? Every other sport has one.

2. Why do Christmas and New Year's holidays have to happen so close together?

3. Why can't we "fall forward" and "spring back"?

4. Why can't MTV go back to playing music?

5. Why can't the food pyramid include chocolate?

I think these are all reasonable requests. Furthermore, I think the government knows something that it's not telling us about all of these issues.
Gotta find 25,000 other people who want to know.

Stuff THAT!

2011-11-06T19:42:00.004-06:00

Pilgrims are NOT Happy.

I'm not really a traditionalist in most things, and cooking is no exception. Should I be doddering around the stove with a recipe book in hand, Someone is usually never far behind: checking over my shoulder. It's not that I can't cook; it's merely that I generally treat recipes as "suggestions" much like drivers do the posted speed limit.
Some things, however, get the nod of tradition, and Thanksgiving has always been one of those occasions on which variation is seen as something akin to blasphemy...and it's not that I don't LIKE all the triptophan, salt and basic nod to fruit and vegetables, it's just that there has never really been a suitable alternative. Until now.
Looking oh-so-pork-like, this concoction has real possibilities. There's no apple in its mouth, but too much fruit would mess it up anyway. Ground sausage for a body, porkie links for legs, rind for a curly tail, and a big ol' sausage nose and wrapped in bacon: what's not to like?
Yes, I know, there's no way to stuff the thing with dressing, but surround it with gravy of spme sort and cobs of corn, and you'd have a veritable hogpen of good eatin.' Of course, beans would HAVE to be part of it...whoever heard of pork without beans?
leftovers, you say? Wouldn't matter: everyone would be passed out until Black Friday was long gone.
And, shaped like a football, it would be the perfect counterpoint to the six-drumstick turkey I see on TV every year.
Man vs Food would definitely be back for this one.
Happy Thanksgiving!

http://eatocracy.cnn.com/2011/11/04/t-minus-20-beyond-the-bird-a-bacon-pig/

Cosplay or LARPing?

2011-11-03T21:00:00.002-05:00

Mulan and Snow White discuss costumes

There are always worlds of which I have no knowledge that are seemingly common knowledge to either a select group of people or the mainstream. Since I belong to neither group, it is easy to get past me with just about anything new and different or older and recognizable. That is to say, my universe, while not exactly tiny, is rather two-dimensional.
I love those geeky fads that are here for an hour and gone by next week...roughly two weeks before I find out about them. Planking was such a phenomenon: almost everyone had done it and grown tired of it before I discovered how much fun it was to get photographed lying board-like in some abnormal place.
Then came Tebowing...just as I found out about it and staged an elaborate photo of myself doing it, the Detroit Lions copycatted me in a game with the Broncos; now, everyone has realized that the emergence of Tim Tebow was merely a figment of the fans' imagination, so that fad is gone. But I have something new (to me): cosplaying.
To some, it's an art form; to others, it's flattery in the form of imitation. It is a fan-based activity that pays homage to Japanese entertainment and involves, developing, sewing, painting, sculpting, jewelry making, and wig styling skills as one attempts to create exactly a costume of his or her favorite anime or fictional character.
Yaya Han, seen above as Mulan, is a professional cosplayer who gets invited to fan shows like Comic-Con every year to display her talent at creating lifelike superheroes or bring to life movie characters. similar, I suspect to having curvy models open doors of cars at an auto show, this idea takes much more of an effort. But, it's unlike the auto show things in that cleavage is not necessarily the look cosplayers go for...and I presume there are male cosplayers as well. All, however, is not completely rosy, for many people confuse these artists as mere LARPers...something Yaya Han would find objectionable.
LARPers are folks that DO dress up as characters, but then they all agree to meet somewhere with foam swords and foam "magic" balls, etc. and proceed to play out in real time a fantasy game. Live Action Role Playing is definitely popular in some circles...think paintball fights with a fantasy theme (as if dressing up as a paramiltary force and shooting at each other ISN'T fantasy).
So, you have two choices.
With either of them, it fan be Hallowe'en every day of the year.
Having a rich fantasy llife is good for one's sanity, I'm told.
Tonight, I'm going to cosplay as.......Adam, pre-fig leaf.
The costume should be easy.
I know. TMI.

Nobody Knows the Truffles I've Seen

2011-11-02T21:09:00.003-05:00

It's a Lot of Truffle To Go Through Just For a Gift

In case you haven't noticed, the Thanksgiving holiday is upon us which means: Christmas is all around. Every store in the world from Fleet Farm to Toys 'R' Us to Target has been clogging my mailbox and my television with the "must have" items for the wish list. Amazon.com is loaded with shopping cart wish lists as well for people I know. I just want it to go away...not that I don't like the basic idea of holidays when families gather around, sing songs, play games, watch movies and enjoy being together before the whining, crying, snide remarks about who got what, and fighting start. The KK divorce got me thinking, "I wonder what rich people fight about with regard to gifts?" Fortunately, the Chicago Tribune had a feature today that listed some of the more opulent possibilities for the season.
Here are the top five or so...just in case you were thinking of that "special" someone and still had no ideas.

For him:
A one-night stay in the famous Ty Warner penthouse suite at the Four Seasons in New York City: $34.000.00. Of course, you could stay the weekend...I mean, as long as you're there...

A snazzy GnG Golden Delicious carry case for his iPhone (in actual gold, of course): $100,000.00 iPhone not included.

An Allard West Roadster would be perfect for the road tripping man in your life at a mere $138,500.00. Buy two.

Is he always late? Get him a Patek Philippe Sky Moon Toubillion featuring not one but TWO watch faces: $1.5 million.

For her:

Chocolate always does the trick with the ladies, and the LaMadeline au Truffle is just the thing...a truffle covered with ganoche, covered with dark chocolate, covered with cocoa power. Irresistible (as you will be) at $250. However, it goes bad in a week so nibble now!

Manolo Blahnik Alligator skin boots: $14,000.00. But you get two boots! Think of the 'gator!

Does she still cling to Malibu Barbie and the like from her youth? Diamond Barbie is here! Literally encrusted with 165 diamonds and while gold jewelry, ken will come a'knockin' at $85,000.00

Need that perfect scent since last year's Eau de Buttercup is gone? Try some Clive Christian Imperial Majesty perfume, and your lady will look at you with "that" look. It's worth the $435,000.00 you will spend.

Finally, for that once-in-a-lifetime lady like, say, Kim K. only the best will do. Liz Taylor's jewelry will go on the auction block in a month, and you can get the famed Burton diamond for an estimated $2.5-$3.5 million. That'll keep things going for at least a few months.

Happy shopping. I'm headed to Ace Hardware. Everybody loves tools.

Dr. Drew Has A Point...Perhaps

2011-11-01T19:53:00.003-05:00

The somewhat (i guess) Dr. Drew blames us for the Kim Kardshian breakup. I f I read it correctly, he says that our morbid obsession with anything Kardashian contributed to her lack of commitment to her marriage. After all, she is purported to have made 18 million dollars from the reality show of her life during the leadup to the famous event. Somebody MUST have been watching for her to rake in that kind of money...but it wasn't I who watched. I deal with enough self-absorbed egomaniacs in real life that I don't need to sit home at night and watch someone else's life get more and more fabulous (in terms of money and fame, not in terms of worth).
So, I'm absolving myself of complicity in the whole thing. I somewhat feel sorry for the poor dupe who didn't have enough sense to see this coming when he started appearing on television without getting any of the money for it (I presume), and obviously, the fact that she is denying him ANY of the cash brought in while they were married proves my point.
Really, please just go away...and "journalists," please find something worthy of your education...and people out there: get a life of your own...you might not have money and fame, but you don't have to exploit other people, either.
I just hope the poor schlepp gets the 23-diamond will-you-marry-me back as well as some dignity.

It IS Hallowe'en, After All

2011-10-31T21:51:00.002-05:00

10-ft. Lego Man: Costume or Hucksterism?

What seemed to befuddle those on the scene seems elementary to me: weeks after the opening of LEGOLAND in Florida, a huge lego guy washes up on the beach in...Florida! If there's a mystery here, it's one that involves the investigative powers of local television stations.
But, then, it IS Hallowe'en. I love this holiday though I might be the only one in my family who does. It's just the memories of bags of candy, apples and popcorn balls (for some unknown reason) that make me break out in a sugar rush. My job usually amounts to handing out the candy and being sufficiently scared by the really scary ones. Face it, though, a junior high kid wearing no costume, holding out a pillow case defiantly and refusing to even say the "magic" words CAN get a bit annoying. I love to see the really little kids come to the door while Mom or Dad waits on the sidewalk, saying, "Remember to say'Thank you'" every time. It just kills me.
This year, as always, we were besieged by hordes of kids dropped off from minivans, obviously NOT from our neighborhood. While the Facebook page of the neighborhood association was filled with grousings about it, I don't mind. Hey, I walked all over town for hours when I was a youngster...though maybe driving them around in a minivan might not be the best...at least make them walk for a bit of exercise.
But my favorites this year were a group of six adults: they all had their really small children in wagons and were letting them get out to beg for candy; while I knew some of them, some were strangers...though THEY all knew each other. Each of the adults was walking down the street carrying either a bag of candy or pulling the wagon...and drinking beer. I laughed at first when I realized what it was...then, I thought about giving them a lecture about good example to youngsters...then I just laughed and enjoyed the evening filled with locust-like masses of kids having fun, adults having "fun" with their kids, and all around good times in the neighborhood.
And not one junior high kid planted toilet paper in my trees...though one brandished a roll at me as he left.

You've got Two Months to Get Ready

2011-10-30T20:01:00.003-05:00

Maybe Not E.T., but...

On one of those occasions in which I emerged from my lost-in-the-60's moments, I was made aware that Superman wasn't the first comic ever produced. Oh, it might have been the first Marvel comic produced, or even the first published in the United States in the 1050's, but it would have to go a LONG way to be the first ever produced. Even though I am uncertain as the the origin of the "species" so to speak, I know that more than 80 years ago, there was a comic book being produced as a series in Belgium...and now it's come to light as a movie.
Tin Tin (boy reporter) and his dog Snowy are adventurers who solve mysteries around the world, and they have been doing so for 82 years. Popular around the world, it never really seemed to catch on here, or at least I had never heard of it until a few years ago. Steven Spielberg is out to change that for all of us. The first movie adaptation in memory opened this weekend in 19 foreign markets and did very well...maybe not Puss and Boots well, but respectable, to be sure. The comic book series that has entertained European children for 82 years is headed our way...in two months.
Whether or not The Adventures of Tin Tin: The Secret of the Unicorn makes it on these shores remains to be seen, but it needs to recoup almost 300 million dollars in production and promotional costs to be considered successful. Spielberg's name will help. Recent reprints featured at Barnes & Noble will help, too. I know my grandsons will want to see it because they have all the books.
And I know I will see it...though maybe on Netflix.
Look for it around the Christmas holidays when everyone has played with all the toys for the requisite seven minutes and is getting bored.
At least there will be popcorn!

Who's Afraid of Ghosts?

2011-10-29T21:01:00.002-05:00

A Seemingly Benign Ghost

Afraid of Ghosts? Sissy!

Superhuman and other-worldly entities are not exactly rare; in fact, they are the stuff of legend. From the Bogey Monster under the bed to Casper the Friendly Ghost, parents use not-so-human phantasms to keep children in line. Of course, there IS the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and such, but the stories that I cannot erase from my too-fertile imagination are usually ghostly apparitions, and they did a fine job of either scaring or entertaining (if the lights were on) me for years. But then...there was supposedly the ultimate real-life-not-fiction ghost: one that could, in reality, send a person to the hospital, consume him or her with fire and lead to (probably) an untimely death if one was not careful enough. Such is the Bhut Jolokia chili pepper, a.k.a. the "ghost pepper," purportedly the hottest thing this side of Dante's imagination. But until today, it was merely the stuff of monsters-under-the-bed late night stories.
Peppers are rated by something called the Scoville Heat Unit, and there is definitely a low end and a high end to the scale. Included, of course, are some familiar names: jalapeno and habanero. These are more than thermal-like for most people, but for the truly hardy or foolish, there is the ghost pepper. At 400 times hotter than a jalapeno pepper and four times hotter than a habanero, this is the "seven-layers-of-hell-rolled-into-one" granddaddy of all hot peppers. On a Scoville scale in which most peppers reach 500 or so, this baby is rated at over 1 MILLION units of heat...and I have one.
Somebody at the local farmer's market was selling peppers today; I like spicy food but watched in amazement as an individual bought a 5-gallon bucket full of habanero peppers and a few of the ghost peppers as well. His reasoning for the purchase (though not the volume, I suspect)? Some guys in his Sunday School class thought they were tough enough to eat them. Well, there's a lesson coming up about hellfire and brimstone, I can imagine.
As much as I wanted to walk away a wiser person, I could not help buying one of the hottest peppers known to man. Whether or not I will eat it remains to be seen. Perhaps I can invite the neighbors over for dinner; they just sold their house and are moving anyway.
How much can it hurt?
Really.

Fill 'Er Up...I Won't Touch It!

2011-10-25T20:49:00.003-05:00

Not With A 10-Foot Pole

Just as I sent my haz-mat suit out to the cleaners comes word that Dr. Germ has another case on his hands...er...on OUR hands.
Dr. Germ, a.k.a microbiologist Dr. Charles Gerba of the University of Arizona has decided that it's time to reaffirm what he's said all along: illness-causing germs are everywhere, and we're picking them up in the places we might least expect. Now, the doctor has provided the results of research done jointly with Kimberly-Clark's Professional's Healthy Work Place Project, and it's not good for us.
Get gas? Use the ATM? Feed the parking meter? Hoo boy, are YOU in for some hand-wringing! Here are the figures concerning vile germs in those places:
71% of all gas pump handles are literally crawling (like your skin is now) with infectious germs.

68% of corner mailboxes are likely to be bacterial playgrounds as well. Gerba describes these as "highly contaminated." Places on my body and inside my body are already itching...

43% of all escalator rails are potential disease traps, according to Gerba.

41% of all those ATM's we touch are touching us back, it seems.

Parking meters? 40% of them are covered with creepy-crawlie germs, too.

Crosswalk buttons and vending machines are almost safe in comparison, since only 35% of them hold the possibility that you will come down with something after an exchange.

The impetus for the study, say officials at K-C is that sick employees cost an average of $1320 per employee per year. Of course, that comes from a company that manufacturers things like sanitary wipes, so...
Cynical though I might be, I'm still wiping the keyboard off in five seconds.
With a sanitary wipe, of course.

What Next? Baskin Robbins?

2011-10-23T21:55:00.003-05:00

No...seriously?

"Back in MY day..." I want to say, but I don't want to risk the "old fogey" tag. Fact is that back in more recent history, chocolate milk was about the only diverse form of moo juice that was available. Mom would not, of course, entertain the idea of actually getting it for us: we always went to a local farmer and got milk "au natural" as it were...right from the cow. The cream would always rise to the top, and I doubt seriously if it was even pasteurized (of course, that might have been before Louis patented the process!)
Anyway, as I was shopping in the store today, I came across a half-gallon container of root beer-flavored milk. I had never heard of such a thing and was not tempted in any way to try it. Come to find out, this has been a staple at state fairs in the upper Midwest for the last few years. The Kemp's company is headquartered in St. Paul, Minnesota and sold it as a promotional item at the state fair. Typical of things, the Wisconsin State Fair copycatted the idea (much like it did with chocolate-covered bacon on a stick) and this year sold small cups of the concoction for 25 cents, ostensibly as the perfect warm weather drink mixing calcium with,,,um...soda pop. What was once a summer-only promotion has, apparently, caught on to the point that it is featured at our local grocer's.
The hook? I guess it might get kids to drink more "milk," but I cannot imagine what kind of health benefits might derive from mixing a healthy drink with an unhealthy one...but then, I would not drink strawberry or banana milk, either, and Kemp's has already found a market for those flavors. Word out on the 'net is that even some schools are offering it as an alternative to actual milk. No wonder school nutrition gets such a terrible rap.
No word on what the cows of Kemp's have to say about the deal.

Get Off My GPS, Please!

2011-10-21T21:19:00.002-05:00

How May I help You?

I Can't Do That, Dave

I have to admit a certain dissatisfaction with the GPS in the car. Oh, it gets me where I want to go, even though it sometimes takes me in a roundabout way if I have an inkling of a shortcut (not unlike the passenger that sits alongside me in the front seats). The "recalculating" voice and the "turn left in 500 feet" when I HAVE IT! FOR GOD'S SAKE! definitely push me over the edge at times, and I find myself screaming at the infernal thing. The fact that it's saved me from Mapquest and a thousand other questions is besides the point. I hate the voice and the smug way it (she) seems to know everything. I'm a guy! I don't need no stinkin' directions...even when I do.
Thus, it's no wonder that questions have arisen about Siri, the voice in Apple's new iPhone that is used for voice-activated commands. The voice is female...not that such a thing in itself is bad, but taking directions from...a female? Wow! That takes a LOT for most guys. However, there are numerous reasons why the voice is as it is...much like I suspect it is reasonable in my GPS.
Even in the automotive industry, the automated voice prompts have long been in female voices based on extensive consumer research, according to Tim Bajarin, a Silicon Valley analyst. (The only exception is in Germany where men in BMW's refused to take directions from a woman so the company changed the voice to a male one.
Researchers have long proven that a female's voice is much more pleasant than the average male voice. According to Stanford University professor Clifford Noss, the human brain is developed to find the female voice more pleasing, and this preference begins in the womb! Researchers have found that fetuses respond to the sound of their mother's voice, but they do not have any reaction to the father's voice. Hmmmm.
Face it, long before cell phones, the telephone operators (remember them?) were female. Most of our early education came in the tonal quality of a female, and we certainly spent more time with Mom than with Dad.
Still, even though Siri's voice is not so utterly human that we forget that it is not a real woman, some folks are bound to notice that this is yet another male bastion (if there ever WAS one) being dominated by the fairer sex.
Call that fair?
While I understand the reasons behind the voice on my GPS, I will continue to scream at both it and the other passenger: "I'VE GOT IT!"
Even when I don't.

Cruel and Inhuman? (Just the Chipped Beef on Texas Toast)

2011-10-20T22:11:00.002-05:00

Don't do crime in Texas (or Ohio, Arizona, or Georgia)

Every state in this country with the possible exception of Wyoming, is in a state a fiscal crisis. Budgets have been cut from just about every service and social program possible while trying to keep the Postal System afloat. Soon, Saturday deliveries may be out...yet another reason to decry the way this country is taking away the best 14% of our lives: eliminating good things on Saturday. Now the state of Texas has leaped into the budgetary reduction fray with both hands...hands that used to hold trays of food.
Texas recently joined Ohio, Arizona and Georgia in deciding to pare the state budget by eliminating one meal on weekends for those people in prison. That means on Saturday, prisoners get fed about 6 a.m. and then have to wait almost 12 hours before the next meal, only to follow the same routine on Sundays. Georgia goes one step further in eliminating one meal on Friday as well!
Texas hopes to slice 2.8 million dollars from its food budget by serving "no-cal" non-lunches on the weekend, but they have extended the punishment even further: no more milk in cartons...only powdered milk will be served. AND THERE'S MORE (OR LESS)! hot dogs and burgers will now be served on sliced bread instead of on buns! Imagine that! Just feel the bread get soggy from the condiments, rip slowly apart, and force the inmates to use more napkins to clean up (in effect, wasting money!).
Bold cost-cutting moves, indeed, and organizations that lobby for prisoners' rights have raised a hue and cry about such outlandish treatment. I suppose in a way, the prisoners have a beef: I mean, what else is there to look forward to? After all, carving minute pieces of materials into shivs or spending years tunneling a way out behind a Farrah Fawcett poster is hard work, and a guy gets powerful hungry! Chewing fingernails will take on a whole new meaning soon!
But, as State Senator John Whitmore, Chairman of the Senate Criminal Justice Committee opines, " If they don't like the menu, don't come here in the first place."
Exactly. Do time in Wyoming. That state has lots of dough.

Enough, Already!

2011-10-19T22:02:00.002-05:00

Simple? Yes! Tasteful? NO!!!

Let's just say that my mother was not inclined to spend hours making Hallowe'en costumes for me. While something of an understatement, it is, in fact, true that dressing up for Trick-or-Treating was something of a "Grab something from the closet and leave me alone" kind of deal. My dad got into the spirit a bit more, but HIS idea of fun was hiding outside and scaring all the kids who came to the door. Sometimes, I think that was the ONLY fun he had. So, while other kids had great cowboy outfits or spaceman suits sewn and decorated by their Moms (buy a costume? Not back in the day!), I usually grabbed a sheet or some old clothes that didn't fit my dad anymore and became either a ghost or a hobo.
The goal, of course, was to fill up the pillow case with what mostly turned out to be apples and popcorn balls (pre-razor blades and other bad stuff), and costumes were not really necessary. A hearty "Trick of Treat!" would usually suffice. I mean, nobody wanted five teenagers hanging about on the porch, anyway, and we were easily swayed by anything that felt heavy.
Now, however, the costume business has gone full tilt, and I'm certain there is a great deal of thought put into every costume...especially for adults who now seem to have taken over the holiday in order to have yet another reason to dress and act like someone else whether or not alcohol is a factor! The Chicago Tribune today offers a columnist's view of what NOT to wear this year. So, in order to help out the decision-challenged, here's the take from today's Trib:
1. Vampires are out (overdone a long time ago)
2. Jersey Shore characters are out (overdone the minute the show began)
3. Playboy bunnies (really? is cleavage the only thing people pretend to have?)
4. Michele Bachman ( Palin's run was enough...let it rest)
5. Lady GaGa (one is more than enough from a fashion standpoint. Musically? another story)
6. Katy Perry (see comment #5)
7. Charlie Sheen (Even without dressing the part, I'll bet lots of guys will be trying this one, especially with those dressed as #'s2,3,5,6)

Me? I'll probably just drag out a sheet and hang out along the front porch bushes trying to scare little kids again.

Real World Research

2011-10-17T21:41:00.002-05:00

Mo' Money? Mo' Problems

The real-life saga of Frank and Jamie McCourts has come to some kind of conclusion after two years of bitter wrangling over millions of dollars and the Los Angeles Dodgers. While the pair didn't make millions while owning the Dodgers, they were able to afford a major league franchised based on the millions they had already made in business and real estate. Now, all of that is somewhat over...at least the divorce part is. Whether Frank gets to keep the Dodgers will be decided in, where else (given their divorce struggles) in court.Jason Carroll, researcher at BYU would say to this, "See? I told you so!"
Carroll, the lead researcher in a recent study published in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy (who knew?), discovered that couples who have a great deal of money and who value money are more likely to have unstable marriages. Really? To most of us, that would seem to be opposite...but then, most of us don't have a lot of cash.
Carroll and his cohorts studied 1734 couples to determine the effect on a relationship when both partners valued money highly, and while those couples tended to have more money than most other couples, the problems magnified with the size of the bank account. Carroll attributes this to the fact that money equals power, and those who have power are loathe to share it and expect all others to yield to their will. Hence, the conflict between two power- and money-hungry people can get ugly as it most certainly did over the last two years of haggling over the McCourts' millions. Carroll also opines that such couples face eroding communications, have poor conflict resolution skills and display a low responsiveness to each other (perhaps that's why they use lawyers so much!)
If, however, money is NOT of great importance to a couple, or even if only one person doesn't really care, the odds are 10-15% better for a more stable relationship. Carroll also noted that instability can be found in all extremes, including poverty. You think? Somehow, I think I could have predicted that.
As for those who say that money isn't important? They can say that because they HAVE it already. If I'm not eating regularly, mo' money means mo' food, and I'm all about eating.
So, while money isn't everything, I wouldn't mind seeing if I could have a stable relationship AND money at the same time...but it's not that important. (easy for me to say since I will never have THAT kind of money, anyway).

State Fair: Meet NASCAR Fare

2011-10-15T20:43:00.003-05:00

Can I get this on a stick?

There have been two major contributors to epicurean creation over the past few years: minor league baseball parks and state fairs. I have covered all the ones I think fitting and even tried a few. I admit that chocolate-covered bacon on a stick might be my favorite...only because the Krispy Kreme closed down here before I could try the KKdeep-fried burger. Cream puffs? C'Mon! everybody does stuff like that. Now, however, it seems as if NASCAR has taken up the chase (so to speak) for the hearts of gluttons everywhere. I give you...the Funnelbaconater!
Much as it sounds, this heart-stopping food item begins with a large funnel cake, topped with both chocolate and strawberry drizzles. Pile on the bacon chunks, and, voila! there you have it. This taste-tester's delight will be featured this weekend at the Sprint Cup race in Charlotte, North Carolina; ironically, North Carolina is noted for barbecue so this comes as a bit of a surprise.
In keeping with the pig theme, one can also purchase an Angus mac and cheeseburger that also is what it sounds like: a third-pound Angus beef burger topped with a scoop of pimento mac and cheese and finished off with a healthy [sic] portion of pork rinds. My only question would be, "Are the pork rinds fried already or just slimy, uncooked slabs?" But, I guess when you come right down to it, mixing fried pork rinds with mac and cheese would create a slimy mess anyway.
Sadly, I will not be in Charlotte this weekend for the grand revelation of the latest heart-attack stack, but maybe it will come to the state fair next year...though it may never reach the stature of a cream puff.

Cat Got Your Wallet?

2011-10-13T22:08:00.002-05:00

Cute, but not worth $

I will admit it: I am not a cat person. Perhaps it's because I never had one as a kid: we always had dogs. I don't think I even knew anyone who had a cat at the time. Maybe it's the way their claws are so sharp as they rip into anything upholstered or in any way resembling fabric...say, my pants or arm, for instance. It's possible that the snooty air that cats always seem to possess bothers me, or that "I'll-play-with-you-when-I'm-darn-good-and-ready" attitude.
Whatever, it is, I'm not about to spend money on a cat for any purpose...certainly not to play with it over the internet! "Really?" I hear you ask. Really.
There is a company in New York named Bideawee that offers the opportunity to play, yes, actually PLAY with a cat online. After downloading the software, users can actually manipulate a toy in hopes of attracting some interaction from a real, live cat (often at an animal shelter). There is a camera and a variety of playthings that the users can move around and use to tease the animal...which, as you know, cats just LOVE!
While it beats watching endless YouTube videos of cats doing cute things, at least watching cats is free. Actually interacting with them via the Bideawee app will set you back $850. Yes, the decimal IS in the right place. In this economy? If I had that kind of money, I certainly wouldn't spend it toying with an animal of ANY kind, especially a cat, over the internet. I'd probably start up my own professional basketball league since nobody in the current owner/player/commissioner fracas seems to care about having one. However, I'll bet the animal shelter here would even let me play with any of its cats for free...any time I wanted to! (not that I would, mind you...it's STILL a cat!)
I guess the division between the worlds of the the "haves" and that of the "have-nots" just got a lot bigger. Here's the video, just in case you think I'm telling what Mark Twain used to call a "stretcher."

http://www.chicagotribune.com/video/breaking/chi-video-bideawee-web-site-lets-you-play-with-cats-20111013,0,7470538.htmlstory

Manly, Yes, But I Like It, Too

2011-10-12T20:59:00.002-05:00

I think it's about time that guys get something of our very own! It used to be football was OUR domain, but now, even Green Bay has a team in the "Lingerie League," a quasi-professional women's football league in which women are dressed scantily but are accorded helmets and shoulder pads (and VERY little else!). Of course, maybe that makes the whole deal a "man's" activity since I doubt the stands are occupied by young girls who want to grow up to play football in their underwear.
Now, however, the "metro" guy has taken on a serious look at his feminine side; mind you, this is not a bad thing...it's long overdue, but we've lost that one "thing" that we could say was just for men (other than beard and mustache coloring agents).
I know the "man cave" idea has caught on, and beer commercials are aimed specifically AT men ("That was the second unmanly thing you've done today.") so it seems as if I'm not the only one who's noticed a deterioration of what it means to be (or at least act like) a man. fortunately, perhaps, the folks at Dr. Pepper have noticed, and the company has introduced Dr. Pepper 10, and the marketing is aimed at men...only men...no women allowed.
Since men feel that diet sodas are unmanly, Coke Zero and Pepsi Max really never made it. "Me worried about my waistline?" seemed to be the idea...so men refused to drink it Dr. Pepper 10 has actual sugar in it, not that namby pamby artificial diet crap, and this is designed to draw men to it like flies to a, well, sugared drink container. At 3 grams of sugar and 15 calories per 12-ounce can, this Dr. Pepper is far less weighty than the original that featured 40.5 grams of sugar and 150 calories,
The gunmetal gray container has a manly look to it, and the Facebook page for the drink is not accessible to women as it features "manly" shooting galleries in which the shooter aims at targets like high heels and lipstick containers! really.
The whole point, I guess, in addition to being manly is to get men to consume less sugary drinks, since, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, males between the ages of 12 and 19 drink the most of this type of sugary beverage every day, averaging 273 calories per day...what health experts call "wasted" calories.

My two cents' worth:

$.01: Any number of studies indicate that even consuming diet soda results in weight gain...mostly since people drink more of it thinking that it's not bad for their weight.

$.02: I doubt a teenager will be duped by the "manly" aspect. A shooting gallery on Facebook? Yes (but is a shooting gallery actually a good idea for impressionable minds?); however, a teen's idea of manly is alcohol, not a quasi-diet soft drink.

Now, if someone could prove how Dr. Pepper 10 would help young men become irresistible to the opposite sex on a par with, say, having a fake I.D. ...BINGO!

Fun? I Don't Call THAT Fun

2011-10-11T20:48:00.004-05:00

FUN (for some)

NOT FUN

"It's what they do for FUN," notes Professor Abronsius to his young and not-so-able assistant Alfred in one of my all-time favorite movies: Fearless Vampire Killers as he explains the tradition of keeping living victims alive by taking only small drinks of blood thereby prolonging the "fun" and ensuring the continuation of a vampire colony. (For the uninitiated, this dark comedy was Sharon Tate's last film before the Charlie Manson thing and co-starred a much younger Roman Polanski as Alfred). Anyway, my point is that the idea of "fun" is entirely subjective, and I have a gripe to take to Mr. T about what "fun size" means.
As I sat at my desk the other day, I felt that a pick-me-up was in order. Not having a 25-hour energy drink or any of the others whose claims I find dubious, I thought, "Hmmm...a Snickers would be good about now, especially since I am not going anywhere for a while. Though I do not generally keep such snacks handy, I had recently rewarded outstanding performance in one of my classes by issuing candy bars. Sadly, though, these could hardly be called "bars."
In less than two manly bites, I had finished but was unsatisfied...then, I saw the wrapper that advertised that what I had just consumed had come in a "fun size." I ripped open two more equally fun "bars," ate them and realized that such small things are definitely NOT FUN even when three are eaten consecutively. None of them stayed in my hand long enough to melt, and there was very little enjoyment to be had besides the possibility of eating 10 more just to see if it was, indeed, fun.
"False advertising," I cried, but there was no one to hear except the Godzilla figure that stands atop my filing cabinet and roars when the lights go out.
Nothing.
No fun.
If it weren't for fear of Mr. T, I might actually raise a fuss about this.
Maybe the Three Musketeers would be more fun...even in that diminutive size.
Trick-or-treaters must hate the candy companies.
I'll get apples this year.

...And Just Around the Corner...

2011-10-10T21:42:00.006-05:00

I think there are certain traditions that need to be followed; I don't mean the obvious holiday and family-time traditions. I mean the traditions that come with being carefree and spontaneous. That's why I always get a kick out of preschool kids. When one is with them, anything is "cute," though if an adult were to do the same things, folks would look askance and call for the jacket with really long sleeves.
So it is with leaves. The time-honored tradition for centuries, one would imagine, involves piling up leaves and running, jumping and falling into them or throwing them overhead just to see them cascade down and get inside a shirt collar. Adults walking by smiled broadly at the fun this little girl was having though they would not stop and join her: maybe because I was too threatening, or maybe because this occurred in Chicago and people are naturally a bit hesitant to involve themselves in the lives of others. Whatever the reason, the hours (literally) spent gathering leaves and throwing them skyward now ranks up there with spending all day at the park on the swings.
Sadly, though, there was not a rake to be found so we were left to scraping them together with our feet and cleaning them off the windshields of the parked cars...eventually ranging halfway down the block to get "new" leaves, the "old" ones being apparently used up after several hoists heavenward.
Since the trampoline we gave her was such an enormous hit, perhaps it's time to get her a leaf rake so she can have hours of fun working for the street department in Chicago raking leaves. I'm sure her parents would be excited to play in the leaves for hours; at least they wouldn't have to take the long walk to the park so often.
And she would be ready for the shovel by the time winter came.

I'm too Busy At the Moment

2011-10-04T20:20:00.002-05:00

As High As You Can Legally Get!

My dream as a child was to play shortstop for the New York Yankees. There were many impediments to my reaching the dream, not the least of them was a decided lack of ability to hit a curve ball and an arm that could have been made by a pasta maker. But, one has to remember that this type of dream was about the most glamorous one could find "back in the day." Nobody was close to having actual "men in space" unless it was the Hollywood moguls. Certainly, I was past the dreaming stage (except about getting an actual date) by the time John Glenn circled the earth a few times.
However, when the Teacher in Space program was launched twenty years ago or so, I was right there, filling out a 40-page application, complete with essays, psychological profiles and a picture of me sitting atop an almost-life-sized space shuttle made from snow: adorned with a motorcycle helmet and holding a sign that read, "My turn to fly." While I, no doubt, got some style points, that was about it. But now, my chance has come again: NASA is recruiting astronauts for its class of 2013.
How about you? do you have the "right stuff"? The following is a suggested list of such "stuff," and I have also included the URL to the brochure advertising NASA's need for YOU (imagine a giant finger pointing in your direction as you read that last bit).

THE RIGHT STUFF
The ideal candidate for this position will
1. Have a bachelor's degree in science, engineering or math.
2. Have 3 years' worth of relevant post-graduate work experience (a master's degree may serve as a substitute)
3. Have experience flying high-performance jets
4. Be between the ages of 24-47; though NASA accepts apps from other ages as well, these represent the youngest and oldest selected in the past.
5. Have a blood pressure not exceeding 140/90
6. Be between 5'2" and 6'3"
Have vision that can be correctable to 20/20 (maybe they're looking for Coke sponsorship!)
7. Experience as a civilian or in the military since NASA will select people from both fields.
8. Time for the next two years to spend training in Houston (where it gets really hot).

There you have it: that's all one needs, though I suspect NASA would be willing to waive a few of the requirements for just the right candidate.
No time to waste; check out the brochure and get high legally!

http://astronauts.nasa.gov/content/AstroCandbro_sm_new.pdf

Finally!

2011-10-02T22:17:00.002-05:00

The one thing I forgot about teaching a composition class: don't schedule completed essays from two classes of college writers at the same time. Brutal...
It would have been more palatable had the weather been bad, but it was generally nice outside...though going to school and coming home in the dark three days left me to guess by the condition of my bike seat what the weather had been like!
Also on the not-so-hot side was the fact that the moment that changed their lives for the better (subject for a personal narrative assignment) mostly dealt with someone's cancer, or death or divorce. Really...of 50 essays, I think there were fewer than a handful of students whose significant moment in life to this point was a positive one: I thought for a while I had fallen into a country song, and Taylor Swift or George Jones was doing the background vocals.
This, of course, led me to think seriously about the "aha" moments in my life, and, for the most part, they were all inspirational people or last-minute reprieves, or just the realization that Someone was looking out for me when I wasn't (doing backflips into a quarry 20 feet below in the dark, for example...what the hell were we thinking?)
No personal or parental divorces, no beatings (that I didn't deserve!), and only one rather serious medical issue.
Maybe it's generational because young people who are in the millennial generation seem to have a well-noted background of misery. I'm glad reading those essays is almost finished. It depressed me to no end, and I wondered if I had experienced times like that as a young person.
Maybe I've just forgotten...since I have those lapses now.
Good thing!

Not Exactly Rock Lyrics

2011-09-27T20:15:00.003-05:00

The nominations for this year's inductees into the Rock and Toll hall of fame are out, and it's gratifying to see that Justin Bieber didn't make it (restrictions will keep him off the ballot until 2034...when I will be dead) Anyway, Guns 'n' Roses is on the list, so they get a shout out from me. Great White didn't make it again, and I doubt they ever will, but that song Once Bitten Twice Shy suddenly surfaced this evening.
The Lonely Planet has published a list recently that converted some of the more common English idioms into similar phrases from other countries. Since I just used the old line, "It's raining cats and dogs, and I just stepped in a poodle" yesterday, this comes at a fortuitous moment. Now I can say things like, "It's raining old women with clubs." Not the same, really, and it's doubtful Great White (or GnR, for that matter) will be using any of these in a rock song anytime soon. Still...maybe there's a band somewhere in the world taking advantage of these very phrases even as we speak.
Have fun, and remember to use these phrases often to add spice to your everyday conversations!
In no time, you'll be talking only to yourself!

It’s raining cats and dogs
Afrikaans: Ou vrouens met knopkieries reen
It’s raining old women with clubs

Dutch: Het regent pijpenstelen
It’s raining pipestems

Persian: Baron mesleh dobeh asb mirized
It’s raining like the tail of the horse

Greek: Brékhei kareklopódara
It’s raining chair legs

German: Es regnet schusterbuben
It’s raining young cobblers

Taking coals to Newcastle/Selling ice to the eskimos
Russian: Yezdit’ b Tulu s svoim samovarom
He’s going to Tula, taking his own samovar

German: Eulen nach Athen tragen
Taking owls to Athens

Hungarian: Vizet hord a Dunába
He’s taking water to the Danube

Spanish: Es como llevar naranjas a Valencia
It’s like taking oranges to Valencia

A sledgehammer to crack a nut
Thai: Kee chang jahb thak-a-thaen
Ride an elephant to catch a grasshopper

Mandarin: Tuo kuzi fang pi
To take your trousers offto break wind

Turkish: Pire icin yorgan yakmak
To burn the duvet becauseof one flea

When pigs might fly
Croatian: Kad na vrbi rodi grožde
When willows bear grapes

Hungarian: Majd ha piros hó esik
When it’s snowing red snowflakes

Uzbek: Tuyaning dumi yerga tekkanda
When the camel’s tail reaches the ground

Russian: Kag-da rak svist-nyet
When the crayfish whistles

Like father like son
Portuguese: Filho de peixe sabe nadar
A fish’s child knows howto swim

Hausa, Nigeria: Barewa tayi gudu danta ya yi rarrafe
How can a gazelle’s offspring crawl when its mother is a fast runner?

Arabic: Ibn al bat’awwam
The son of a duck is a floater

Out of the frying pan, into the fire
Czech: Dostat se z bláta do louıe
Out of the mud, into the puddle

Hindi: Aasmaan se gire khajoor mein atke
Down from the skies, into the date tree

Indonesian: Takut akan lumpur lari ke duri
Afraid of mud, escape to thorns

Once bitten, twice shy
Russian: Puganaya vorona kusta
A spooked crow is afraid of a bush

Swahili: Mtafunwa na nyoka akiona unyasi hushtuka
One who has been bitten by a snake startles at a reed

Portuguese: Cão picado por cobra, tem medo de linguiça
A dog bitten by a snake fears sausages

To beat about the bush
Finnish: Kiertää kuin kissa kuumaa puuroa
To pace around hot porridgelike a cat

Italian: Menare il can per l’aia
To lead the dog around the yard

Spanish: Emborrachar la perdiz
To get the partridge drunk

Affirmative Action? Negative!

2011-09-25T20:56:00.003-05:00

Hash Brownies...or Just Brownies?

The University of California-Berkeley has always been something of a hotbed for political eyebrow-raising behavior. Students at UCLA and USC are busy with sorority/frat parties and getting cut-rate deals from agents...oh wait, that's just the sports guys. Anyway, Berkeley students have never been afraid to protest anything they find unseemly, and this week, a group of them are taking on a proposed legislative act by the State of California to include some affirmative action tenets to the admission process to universities in the state.
It would seem that the Young Republicans branch of the campus feels that white people are, once again, being hindered from achieving the American Dream of a college education in California as more and more minorities (including women, it seems) are on the cusp of being given a favorable look-see when it comes to who gets in and who goes to JuCo somewhere...and they are doing something to protest the inequity: they are having a bake sale!
Of course, this is not just ANY bake sale. In this one, the prices for cookies or brownies are adjusted based on ethnic origins so white people pay the most, and American Indians pay the least...with the "bonus" of getting a $.25 additional break if the buyer happens to be female!
The group claims to simply be calling attention to the "reverse discrimination" being felt by white people in this country...especially when it comes to higher education. Of course, this is not the first such outrage: the University of Michigan medical school faced similar complaints over the number of qualified white people who did not get admitted in favor of some "lesser-qualified" members of minority groups; thus, this is not a new story, but the approach to calling this miscarriage of justice to our attention is a radical one truly fitting to Cal-Berkeley's reputation.
Response has been vitriolic and vast. While the group expected SOME lashback, they did not expect threats of violence (which they got in ever-increasing volume). Undaunted, the Young Republicans plan to continue the bake sale with a sliding price scale, and I await the results.
USC and UCLA students are content to pay $5.75 for their brownies at Starbucks, and will not be affected by the goings-on at Berkeley.

Staying In the Basement Tomorrow

2011-09-22T19:50:00.003-05:00

This Could Leave A Mark!

Granted, it's not the potential disaster that was Skylab back in the 70's: a 70-ton space station hurtling back toward earth, spewing refrigerator-sized pieces around like marbles from a wet bag. Then, the fear was palpable: where would it land? How many hundreds (or thousands) would die? Was this the end? As it turned out, the thing crashed somewhere in the middle of Western Australia without any hint of casualties to the wallaby population. We should be so lucky this time.
On Friday...that's tomorrow...the Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite makes its re-entry into the earth's atmosphere and will fall in about 26 pieces (how do they KNOW that?) toward some unsuspecting folks minding their own business. Mind you, this is not an unusual phenomenon: scientists reckon something falling from the earth's orbit happens at least once a year. Why haven't I been told?
Anyway, tomorrow's the day, and Mark Matney of NASA's Orbital Debris Team (really? There is a TEAM for this? Is it in a fantasy league?) figures that most chunks of bone-crushing debris will weigh somewhere between 10 pounds and hundreds of pounds. MUCH better than a 70-ton space station, even though the pieces will be falling hundreds (but not thousands) of miles per hour.
To recap: about 3 tons (roughly half) of this thing will come crashing down on our heads tomorrow, and there is no way to predict where it will land until it comes within 50 miles of earth...giving us, say, ten minutes to get out of the way if it's traveling 600 miles per hour. Fortunately, the pilots who will be flying the nervous skies tomorrow are warned to be on the lookout for something big and mysterious falling toward their aircraft and are reminded to warn the rest of us if they see something like that.
Let's see: fly somewhere or cower in the basement?
Basement it is! Hope you survive!

Time to Kill the Bird

2011-09-21T21:28:00.003-05:00

Is NO Medium Safe For Me?

I have a cell phone because the students I tutor refuse to check email, citing it's "old-fashioned" format, preferring a medium that is at least from this century. So, I allow/encourage texting because I refuse to wait for an appointment. While I'm not a technophobe, I feel that a certain amount of privacy is good. I think it was Thoreau who noted that "Good fences make good neighbors." I can wall myself off by checking Facebook only on rare occasions (usually if someone I know sends me a message), and I generally screen my caller ID on my land line (now having a land line is old fashioned!) because I just do not want to waste my time with telemarketers who get through in spite of my signing up for a no-call list. And that's only part of it. In this age of 24/7, 365 political campaigning, I refuse to listen to any taped message from ANY candidate extolling his or her virtues ad nauseam. I just won't. And that's another reason that I avoid Twitter.
Oh, I have an account: one of my sons wanted me to read a comment that someone had made so I had to create an account. I didn't save my password, and I have not been tempted to return to Twitter since. I hear and read enough stupid things that people say every day without seeking out more...and now, it's about to get even MORE stupid and invasive: the politicians are on board.
According to an article in the Los Angeles Times, 85 senators have Twitter accounts, as do 360 members of the House of Representatives, 42 governors, and 35 world leaders. The fact that these people use this medium tells me one thing: all of them are trying to get re-elected. Why else would anyone think others care so much about their minute-to-minute activities? But, now it gets worse.
Starting today, Twitter is selling advertising space to politicians! OMG! Yet another reason to avoid Twitter, and yet another unwanted intrusion into our lives by people who don't really care about us but care only about getting re-elected....and I thought avoiding them on the phone was a pain (and it was)! For those addicted to Twitter, this will become the only way they get any political slant...unless Glenn Beck is also tweeting constantly.
Really, I am overcome with a desire to find a cave somewhere and survive on nuts and berries until the grid blows up, and we can return to some kind of sanity...and I won't be taking my phone (though the iPod is a must...hmmm...how to charge it without the grid?)
Crap!

Get Out the Huge Foam Finger

2011-09-20T21:22:00.003-05:00

Well, At Least It's Something!

Sometimes, I get really, really tired of people around the world bashing the good ol' U.S. of A. It seems that this country takes hits from everybody about everything that's wrong with the world (O.K. I will admit we DID send Jersey Shore to Italy). Every year, the academic ratings of countries around the world come out, and we always fare abysmally. At last count, 15-yr.-olds in America ranked 19th in science knowledge and 24th in math knowledge among first and second world nations reporting in. It's no secret that we lag behind the heavy-handed, strict approach to education that is featured in many places around the world. We always seem to rank right up there in the category of self-confidence, though, and that should count for something.
We have world champions in football and baseball (though sometimes not in basketball or hockey), and we dominate in track and field, even though it's not generally thought of as a big-money career for aspiring athletes.
I will also admit that we have become something of an embarrassment in political and financial circles as we have developed a political system that will NEVER compromise but instead snipe at the opposition no matter what the position; we also have an economic system that is so skewed (and broke) that in the near future, there will be no such thing as a middle class: the class that made America a world leader. Instead, we'll have the haves and the have-nots...I wonder if anyone has read A Tale of Two Cities lately.
But all of that notwithstanding, we remain world leaders in one category, according to Badooo.com...and that is "cool." The social networking analysts surveyed 30,000 from 15 foreign countries to find out which country these individuals thought to be the most cool. Overwhelmingly, the respondents chose America.
Just so we're clear, "cool" can be defined as "...an admired aesthetic of attitude, behavior, comportment and style."
That's us, alright...and I would not be surprised if Snooki had something to do with the vote.

Hiding From Hillbillies

2011-09-17T20:32:00.002-05:00

They Only Come Out At Night

Imagine a frog as big as a baseball hopping from rock to rock in the dark before thumping into your leg or chest and scaring the beejesus out of you! I imagine something like that must have happened a time or two over the past year as biologist Sathyabhama Das Biju and his student researchers from the University of Delhi combed (or strained, maybe) the marshy areas of India nocturnally (did someone say "Snipe hunt?"), hoping to discover something important about frogs...which they did.
In fact, the researchers discovered 12 new species of frog in India as well as three species that were previously thought to be extinct! Such finds include the Meowing Night frog that makes a noise like, well, like a cat; also newly-discovered was the Jog night frog: unusual because both male and female watch over the eggs; and the Wayanad frog which grows to be the size of a baseball. That brings to 336 the total number of frog species!
All of this information was recently published in Zootaxa, an international taxonomy journal. Why is this important? Well, frog populations and species are great indicators of climate change and density of pollutants, according to Das Bijn. As a result of those two factors (as well as hillbilly hunting, one might surmise) more than 32% of all known amphibian species are threatened with extinction, according to the Global Wildlife Conservation.
So, for now, India seems to be a haven for amphibians, but it won't be long until there's a reality show featuring toothless guys with tridents and Little League bats stalking baseball-sized frogs through the noisy Indian night...and getting thumped in the chest in return.
One word of caution, though: there are tigers in India that come out at night, too.

How About Trying Grecian Formula?

2011-09-16T21:45:00.003-05:00

No Longer Appealing

There's just something about the word "spa" that conjures up vibrant, healthy skin and body tone for all of us as well as a more youthful appearance. Generally, however, the closest most people come to a real spa is the thing that turns on the jets in a whirlpool bathtub...and it's probably just as well. The aging process will get us eventually, despite botox and cosmetic surgeries and spa treatments, so it's best not to be too concerned. Even when people say, "you haven't changed," we know they're lying just so we have to say the same to them. So, people rush to have spa treatments designed to rid them of all that they find distasteful about themselves in hopes of attracting needed attention. But I'm drawing the line at calluses.
There was this fashion trend a year or so ago that featured little fish that sucked the calluses off one's feet to make them baby-bottom smooth (only to get callused again, of course). I thought the idea was entertaining, wrote about it, and even almost stepped into one while visiting in Greece not too long ago. The tickling sensation would have been rather cool, and God knows I have more than enough calluses after running all my life so that the fish would be in a Nirvana-like state. There was just something about it...
it seems, though, that this isn't even the most radical aquatic-based spa treatment, a fact that one man in China found out to his incredibly discomfort.
Zhang Nan, 56, of Hubei Province in China, went to a spa in hopes of ridding himself of all the weathered and worn skin so he would look younger, according to a report in the Los Angeles Times (noted for its Chinese news coverage). Anyway, Nan apparently wanted a full-body treatment so he allowed himself to be immersed in a tank filled with callus-sucking eels. Imagine his consternation when he felt a sharp pain and discovered a (this next part is NOT for the squeamish men in the audience) six-inch eel working its way into his penis! The darn thing being slippery and eel-like, Nan could not get a good grip, and the little devil slithered right into his bladder...removed only through surgery. That HAS to be worse that the little kid batting a wiffle ball into that same area on Dad. But there's more.
Apparently, there is a species of catfish that does this all the time! According to the parasitology department at Kansas State University, somewhere along the Amazon, there is a catfish that will get into a man's penis if said man stops to urinate into a body of water! I know! Incredible: standing there, minding to one's "business," and ZOOM just like that: a catfish has migrated upstream, as it were. Holy moly! Who knew fish could be such an invasive species?
I'm definitely checking every body of water into which I aim from now on.

Now I Get It

2011-09-14T21:24:00.003-05:00

What Would You Change?

While you and I are probably still pondering why on earth parents would allow three-year-olds to be exposed to sexual messages, the answer is supplied in the latest Miss Universe Pageant, held recently (who knew?).
I watch such displays as often as I watch the Westminster Dog Show (in spite of its being lampooned in the movie Best in Show) which is to say, never. But this one caught my attention with the headline "Dumbest Question Ever."
I'm usually accused of asking dumb questions (remember: there are no dumb questions, just dumb people asking questions), so I was naturally intrigued by someone who might be worse at question logic than I. It turned out that the question was one asked of a finalist by a judge in said contest. And once I read the question, I knew there WAS someone out there who asked even more insipid questions...and this person did it on an international stage!
While the aforementioned judge did not actually write the question, the poor woman had to ask it anyway then be bombarded with Twitter posts concerning how she could be such an idiot!
So...Leila Lopes of Angola (pictured above getting her tiara) was asked this question in the final round:
"If you could change one physical characteristic about yourself, what would it be and why?"
Are you kidding me? Here is the woman judged to be MISS FREAKING UNIVERSE, and we want to know how she thinks she's not perfect? If she's not good enough, what does that say about the rest of the women in the world? This is beyond stupid: it is demeaning to women everywhere, and that's what made me think of the hypersexualizing of preschool girls.
If they spend all the time and energy in this pageant crap and are STILL not good enough, the psyche is going to take a beating. None of them will ever be good enough (by that I mean physically and sexually attractive).
Wow. If parents don't put a stop to this, we are going to have more than half our population so insecure that there will be nobody to stop men from being idiots.

This Is Learning?

2011-09-13T20:16:00.003-05:00

Little Miss...What?

As is generally the rule, I'm behind again. I've been out of the mainstream, it would seem, for almost three years; however, like so many times before when I have discovered this lapse, I am far less dismayed to be out of the loop than one might imagine. See, I still thought TLC stood for "The Learning Channel," and now I find that programming there has given MTV a run for the misnomer title.
In 2009, a program began called Toddlers and Tiaras that featured a closeup view of 3-year-olds engaged in the business of winning beauty pageants, complete with the whole stage mother bitchiness, temper tantrums and motherly dreams of Hollywood stardom. Really? At three? It seems that eventually, people got tired of the whole thing and watched Little Miss Sunshine a few more times, so the talking heads got together and came up with a brilliant promotional plan: dress toddlers like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman or like Dolly Parton with...well, you get the idea.
Turns out adults blew a gasket. TLC even had to take down its Facebook page because it got so many comments blasting the idiocy of the whole promotion. Since I didn't read the comments, I don't know if the vitriol dealt with the slutty images or the idea that 3-yr-olds were being exploited for ratings. Either way, another blow fell on an already-harried generation of girls who are being led to believe that "sexy is wonderful and necessary." Are you kidding me?
And the most amazing thing is that all of this exploitation is taking place long after a study in 2007 by the American Psychological Association proving that the hypersexualizing of girls by the media resulted in negative cognitive and emotional development and was strongly associated with eating disorders, low self-esteem and depression (no surprises there); furthermore the emphasis on girls as visual objects reduced their desire to follow careers in science, technology, engineering and math. Go figure.
And all of that just to beat out 50 other worthless, degrading reality shows in the ratings.
There is no shame left anymore.
Up next on the most stupid reality show that degrades people: Hillbilly Handfishing. really

Drunken Party Pirates? I'm In!

2011-09-11T16:31:00.004-05:00

What's NOT to "Like"?

I swear people have too much time on their hands these days. Seriously. It seems like every week I get invitations to play some kind of simulation game on Facebook. I refuse every single time. I suppose The Sims was cool when it game out (like a Commodore 64), but now that even ESPN has gotten into the "build your own..." genre, it's just too much. I mean, if South Park does a parody of something, you just KNOW it's time to avoid it. This, however, just might change my mind.
Sometime in October, according to CNN, Jimmy Buffett's Facebook site will launch Margaritaville Online, and I can imagine it being a huge hit, mostly because Buffett himself is "liked" by more than 600,000 people (I have not joined that select company, though). The game will feature characters like Captain Tony and Joe Merchant, and players can hop from island to island having quest-like adventures. The graphics will remind us more of Wii than "Farmville" for what that's worth, and in addition to the quests, one will be able to play games with his or her Parrothead friends: games like limbo and "Drunken Party Pirates." Just the title makes me want to play.
Can I wait until sometime in October when this will debut? Do I have a choice?
The timing of all of this has a surreal quality since we just decided yesterday that we would travel to Key West after Christmas for a little bit of Margaritaville ourselves.
Spooky.

These Had BETTER Be Anti-Gravity

2011-09-10T22:11:00.003-05:00

PLUS Free Shipping!

The auction has begun! Nike will auction 150 pairs of these off every day until the 18th. I finally got to see what the price was going to be: since it is a bid-only with no "Buy It Now" option, the price is "market price" (as if I were eating shark fin soup at some fancy restaurant which had more utensils than I could name). With 44 minutes left on this pair in my size today, the price was $3,900, and there were 20 people bidding on them! There were ten other pairs in my size, but these were the cheapest. I would definitely be the only one on my block to have a pair, and I guarantee no "high-paid" teachers will be sporting these to school anytime soon.
Recession? What recession?

Tempting, But...Probably Not

2011-09-08T20:45:00.003-05:00

Back to a future mortgage!

You really have to hand it to marketing on this one. Of course, the strategy is nothing new: make something impossible to buy , and everyone will want one. ..and so it is with the Nike McFly, going on sale now by bid only on EBay.
Nike has taken the iconic shoe which appeared in public once (as far as I know), and that was in the movie Back To The Future, Pt. II. Marty Mcfly, a.k.a. Michael J Fox, wore these shoes in the movie, and people wanted them immediately. What's not to like? LED displays that almost left a streak of light as one began to move almost faster than the speed of light? Gimme some!
Now, Nike has promised to release 1500 pairs through September 18th on an auction site on EBay. Since they are an auction item, one can only imagine what the ceiling on these babies is. While the auction was to begin tonight at 8:30, there were none up when I checked, but then I'm in Central time...maybe it's Mountain or Pacific time. (though I did stay up to get the first try at an iPad 2, I doubt I'll be awake for this one). The Nike site on EBay DID have a figurine of the shoe, and bids were around $300 already...for a figurine no bigger than, say, a silver dollar! Are you kidding me? The actual shoe will cost a fortune!
In defense of the [project, however, the proceeds are designated to the Michael J. Fox Foundation that supports research for Parkinson's Disease, the same malady that afflicts Fox himself. With matching funds from one of the Google founders and his wife of up to $50 million, one can easily see that I won't be getting the money together to purchase a pair.
Maybe I could sell my convertible: one sweet ride traded for another?

NRK's...Chuck E. Cheese Wants You!

2011-09-07T21:30:00.003-05:00

A monster pile of...?

Here's a question for you: what goes from two to better than 20 million in just three years? The worth of your stock portfolio? Not unless you are Warren Buffett. The temperature in Texas? maybe. No, the real answer is rats (eek). A pair of rats can have that many offspring in just three short years. If you can imagine what hundreds of pairs can do (rats do not ethically believe in family planning, apparently), well, then you will understand the need for the legion of NRK employees in places like Mumbai, India.
The Night Rat Killers are assigned specific areas of the rat-infested (some say the MOST infested city in the world) city with the task of killing as many of the 8-inch varmints as they can. Between January and July of this year, a total of 214, 848 rats went to the Great Cheese Hut in the Sky. Yes, that's a LOT of vermin. While it is true that poison and traps account for a portion of the DOAs, young men pad around at night either barefoot or in sandals and kill rats by the dozen by whacking them on the noggin with a pole.
In fact, there are quotas for the NRK's. Each must kill and bring in 90 rats in three days, or he does not get paid! Lest you think this potentially odious job goes begging for want to employees, it does not. Regularly, hundreds apply for the position, and the qualifications are more stringent than one might think.
1. Each prospective employee must have at least a 10-th grade education.
2. He (or she, I guess) must be between 18-30 years of age.
3. NRK's must be able to lift 110 pounds ( a bag o' rats?)
4. Each must pass a written test and undergo a videotaped examination of his or her skills as a rat killer.

Following all of that, qualified candidates are taken to a field and given 15 minutes to kill as many rats as possible. In one recent such contest, the winners each bagged 20 rodents to win a job skulking through the night in Mumbai, whacking rats over the head with a long, metal-tipped pole, after having transfixed the beast with the glare from a flashlight.
If all of this seems odd to you, think of the potential disaster rats could wreak in terms of diseases, especially in a port city like Mumbai where grain is a major import. Thus, it is necessary to keep the millions of rats at bay in order to maintain some degree of good health, especially in the poorer sections of the city near the harbor.
It's a long-standing tradition first begun by the British when they occupied India, and it will continue as long as there are rats to kill and money to be made doing it.
Sort of like a real-life whack-a-mole, I guess.

Not Everything's Big in Texas

2011-09-06T21:05:00.002-05:00

My dad, born and raised in Texas, used to comment all the time about how things were not only bigger in the Lone Star state, but better as well...presumably for reasons other than their preposterous size. Then, of course, along came Alaska and made Texas the second-largest state in the Union, and Pop lost some of his bluster. Still, though, in spite of everything, he continued to believe that there was no place like Texas for just about anything. "Bigger is better...more is better" seems to be getting pushed into the background these days in Texas...at least as far as higher education is concerned.
It seems that Gov. Perry has proposed to the state of Texas, its legislators and its educators of higher education, that Texas could be the first to offer a college education for $10,000. That's not per year; that's the proposed cost for a four-year program! This would be quite a downsizing, especially since last year in TExas, the average cost for a four-year degree averaged almost $26,000, not including books, which would probably push the figure nearer $30,000.
So, how can he even propose such a thing? It's really not as crazy as one might think. Here are parts of the proposal to reduce the cost:
1. Having more students attend community colleges for the first two years...you can figure the savings there as easily as I can give them to you.
2. Utilize the internet for far more online courses. Since most universities offer these already, the only change would be to make sure there was a path toward graduation in some instances. What about the vast knowledge imparted by professors, you ask? Well, yes, that could be a factor, but then, not EVERY class would be taught online anyway.
3. Allow for self-paced, accelerated programs. This idea has merit in many aspects. Why should any student wait for another who has yet to get the point? Discussions might be problematic, but even I have discussion boards for my classes and ask students to read and respond to others' posts...not like a face-to-face discussion, to be sure, but definitely a place where today's students feel comfortable.
While I am suspicious of the PACS and Texas money supporting Perry's bid for president, I think this idea, at least, has some merit.
Oh, and Perry's proposal indicates that only a small portion of degrees might be conferred this way: as little as 10%; however, if one is in the unenviable position of having little money for an education, this could fit nicely into the plan.
And an education never hurt anyone...well, except for Socrates.

Pain Is Not Funny...Even on TV

2011-09-02T20:46:00.002-05:00

It seems like every television program that features "cute" videos for the audience's entertainment features a barrage of offerings in which serious injury could result. CMT has a show, hosted by a comedian, which highlights the dumbest (and potentially most dangerous) accidents folks can have. If you remember Jackass, the premise was basically the same: stupid guys doing dangerous things and, invariably, going down for the count. I'm not talking about the X Games, here: I'm referring to videotaped tomfoolery like hooking up a giant slide on the roof and trying to hit a small, inflatable pool a hundred feet away...stuff like that.
However, the one that always gets HUGE laughs and can, potentially, be the most painful is the footage of a dad pitching a ball to his four-year-old who proceeds to hit a line drive right back into the, uh, groin area of his father. This never fails to get major laughs, but we never see the aftermath. As a guy, I always cringed when this type of "humor" was televised, because it is hard to imagine how painful it is: think kidney stones; think sudden hot flashes of nausea exploding throughout the system; think about wanting to curl up and vomit repeatedly...you get the picture...and this doesn't even speak to the diminished possibility of fatherhood at a later date.
I've always been somewhat jealous because women never seem to be involved in any of these pursuits (potentially due to a "smart" gene guys don't have) and, for all I know, don't seem to be in such imminent danger of excruciating pain (OK, there's childbirth, but that's at least agreed upon beforehand...more-so by men, I suspect, but still...) Now, I can stop being jealous because there IS something I just read about that seems at least as painful as the below-the-belt line drive and with potential serious health effects: high impact damage to silicone breast implants.
Recently, a woman in Britain had one explode after getting hit while paintballing: really. Getting hit with a projectile going 190 mph hurts at best, but this woman apparently got hit in the chest, and her implant exploded.
Now, I know most guys would laugh at that, but I would bet it's very painful, and I know there are serious health risks involved in such an instance. I even looked up the FDA warnings about hazards of such cosmetic alteration, and, trust me, you don't want to know...despite the FDA's clearance of such procedures as "safe."
As a result of this incident, paintball operations in the U.K. have changed their procedures to include "information concerning the dangers of paintballing," and "extra padding" for surgically-enhanced participants.
If it were a cartoon, maybe funny. In real life, not so much.
And I'm not pitching to grandkids from less than 20 feet away.

Watch What You Wear in Vancouver!

2011-09-01T19:49:00.002-05:00

For the eleventh time in the last four years, a foot has turned up in the water outside of Vancouver, British Columbia...yes, a foot. In none of the occurrences did the foot show signs of trauma: being hacked off someone's leg or chewed off by a bear in Yellowstone (admittedly a long shot, anyway). Each appeared to be, simply, a normal foot with a running shoe attached.
The first such incident was recorded in 2007 near Vancouver, and the foot was eventually identified as having belonged to a then-deceased (you think?) man whose family released no other details to a more-than-curious RCMP.
Now, four years and 10 feet later, people are beginning to wonder whether or not something is afoot. Some hard questions are now rising to the surface (in conjunction with feet, I suppose). To wit:
1. Why has this been occurring only on the west coast of Canada near Vancouver?

2. Why has each foot been clad with a running shoe?

3. Where are the people who are, no doubt, looking for their appendage?

Experts have made few strides while weighing in on the subject, and Mark Mendelson, a Toronto /forensic consultant, strangely sees nothing strange at all in the continued floating foot saga. He opines that many people go missing in the waters off western Canada, and finding eleven feet in four years is not suspicious. Other experts did offer at least a reasonable explanation for why these feet have been found floating: running shoe soles are most likely made with polymers to make them lightweight...polymers apparently float...hence wearing running shoes while losing entire tarsal structures will result in highly buoyant feet. Still, that does not account for the other questions.
No word on whether there have been matching pairs found...no word about anything else, for that matter.
Still, if I'm going to Vancouver, I will go nowhere near the water without a PFD and running shoes so ALL of me will float to the surface, or I will wear hiking boots, flannel shirts and carry coins in my pockets so if I go down, there will be NO chance of my feet or any other part of me coming back up
There's enough mystery in Canada without my being a part of it.

Goin' To Da U.P. Hey!

2011-08-31T20:31:00.004-05:00

Deciding "Weather" or Not to Move?

It's always freaked me a bit when I hear about the disastrous weather that seems to be occurring with increased frequency around the country. It has seemed, though, that despite record snowfall on occasion, Wisconsin has been spared the horribly debilitating kind of weather that has been afflicting others: wildfires, tornadoes, scorching heat and, of course, flooding and hurricanes.
I'd always heard that with the advent of global warming, the weather extremes would be more, well, extreme, and focus mainly on the middle sections of countries. Now, it would appear that there is some definitive evidence that certain places around the country ARE safer from billion-dollar losses caused by weather.
A report just released by the National climatic Data Center, the authors of the map atop this page, indicates that there are definitely some danger areas as far as catastrophic weather, but there are also some parts of the country where one might sleep a little better knowing that chances of a disaster are slim.
States were categorized by the number of billion-dollar natural disasters that occurred over a 30-year period. For the record, the last year counted was 2009. As a result of the study, it would appear that Hawaii and Alaska might be the safest places to live as far as horrible natural disasters are concerned! Each noted between one and three such disasters since 1980...somewhat surprising since volcanoes and a gazillion-below-zero weather mark these places as possible disaster areas, as far as I'm concerned.
Anyway, it is obvious that the South, the Southeast and parts of the Northeast were definite areas to avoid: Texas, Missouri, Alabama, Georgia, Tennessee, and South Carolina being especially prone to expensive natural disasters (averaging roughly one billion-dollar loss every year for 30 years), while the upper Midwest (Michigan)and isolated Eastern states like Maine and Vermont experienced fewer disasters (4-6 events over the last 30 years)...though Vermont will definitely rise in the ranks for the next poll!
Why some and not others? Apparently, the amount of damage depends on two factors:
1. Without a "dynamic environment " to support severe weather, there are fewer incidents.
2. In the safest places, there is, apparently, less to damage; therefore, there is less loss and less expense.

What does that mean for me? Well, Wisconsin is in the 7-9 events category: safe, but not as safe as the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
Maybe it's time to move, hey?

What Would Gloria Say?

2011-08-30T19:13:00.002-05:00

Equal Opportunity for a Concussion?

Recently, it was noted that the United States ranked 19th in the world as far as the so-called "gender gap" was concerned, getting a high ranking for education but not so hot scores in other areas. Women in this country have had the right to vote for almost a hundred years, and women have been granted "equal" opportunity to compete in athletics since the 1972 Title IX ruling that made it a criminal offense to deny women such opportunities. Despite these gains, I am certain there are many professional women who know the reality of the "glass ceiling" and bemoan the fact that even in the political arena, there are far more rich, white men than there are of any other racial or gender demographic. But at least they have football.
Green Bay is one of many places that lives and breathes the sport...a place where church services and school schedules are arranged around those important playing dates on the calendar. Water cooler discussions would hardly be noted if it were not for dissecting every minute detail of the team. For example, in today's local paper six of the top eight most-read/shared stories involved the Green Bay Packers...and, that's not unusual. But I am a bit nonplussed by the sudden need to have the Lingerie League's Green Bay Chill as an entertainment option.
That's not to diminish the possibility that women could play such a game. I am certain they can, but the allure is sexual, not athletic, as evidenced by the publicity photos displayed on the newspaper's website. I'm not sure I can agree with that. Brandy Chastain can tear off her jersey in a mad celebration of a World Cup goal...and show an athlete dressed to compete (far more modestly, I might add, than what we see here). Put pads and a helmet on these players and let them bang heads like their male counterparts...fine....but to be titillated by the thought of women shoving each other around in skimpy outfits just is not what I think we need for entertainment; nor do I think it furthers the cause of women closing any type of gender gap we have in this country.
But maybe I'm old-fashioned or heard too much from Steinhem in her day.
Whatever the case, I will not be taking in any of the Chill's games at any time in the near future.

Not Just the Weather

2011-08-29T20:52:00.002-05:00

I think Bill Gates should intervene. He seems to be one of the few really wealthy people interested in committing to a better America. He and his wife are well-known philanthropists...sure, they can afford to be, but so can many others who simply insist on doubling the size of their mansions in La Jolla or wherever while refusing to do something positive for America. We need a new news outlet...both radio and television.
By "new," what I mean is "unbiased and focused on the good things that matter." We currently have none of that. We are burdened with newspapers and magazines whose publishers and/or owners have a distinct agenda (e.g. Murdoch, as one of many) and the money to force their ideas on a mostly unsuspecting population who thinks the information is true simply because it comes heralded as "unbiased" when it is nothing of the sort. While National Public Radio might be seen in that light at times, it has a definite "for" and "against" point of view, as evidenced by the way Republicans tried to cut its funding recently.
Bill Gates could give us something like the BBC: unfunded by special interests with the sole purpose of providing the unadulterated news and allowing us to make our own decisions about what to make of events around the world...the unvarnished truth based on fact.
That's what we need. What do we get?
News items that contain accounts of
Cloris Leachman saying she was "DTF" to the cast of Jersey Shore on an awards program yesterday.
Political news indicating that this year's recall election campaign was the "Nastiest in history."
Beyonce's "baby bump."
Six of the top seven stories concern the local football team.
Bill, help us out here. Inquiring minds DO want to know...without inanities and distortions.

Bomb Shelter Extra

2011-08-28T20:12:00.002-05:00

It was somewhat troubling to hear a noted radio "personality" describe Hurricane Irene as "...a gift from God" since I'm not so sure all the folks along the path of the storm felt especially gifted. It seems that the point the speaker was making had to do with the tenet of the Mormon religion that applies to self-reliance in that church members are encouraged to depend only upon themselves (and, supposedly, God) when the time comes that food becomes a critical shortage.
This calls into mind the era of the Cold War during which people in this country (and, I suspect, in Russia as well) were building fallout shelters in preparation for the soon-to-be-destroyed end of the world resulting from nuclear confrontation between the super powers. Rations were being stockpiled, and movies were even being made which showed how neighbor would deny neighbors space in a family shelter suited for only a select few. Scary stuff.
I think people finally threw away all the crackers and other foodstuffs guaranteed to last forever (Twinkies, for example) with foolish grins on their faces as they realized that nobody really wanted to blow up the world: it was just an early version of the World Series of Poker. This is why I cannot get too worked up about supposed crazy megalomaniacs (are there sane ones?) having nuclear power. Their joy at having destroyed the godless would last only as long as it took them to realize that they, too, would either be destroyed or have nothing nor anyone to gloat over once total destruction is assured.
Now, however, we have come full circle and are being reminded by the doomsdayers that it's time to start building up our supplies of food again (like those people along the East Coast wish they had). In accordance with what I've read about the Mormon doctrine, we should gather a three-month supply of food that includes
300 pounds of wheat, white rice, corn and other grains and
60 pounds of dry beans and other legumes.
This should be enough for a family of four for three months of isolation.
So as not to appear too naive, I would presume there would also be a requirement for water since without it, the other things would be useless.
It doesn't take a movie like Avatar to convince me that the final battle will NOT be over food but over water. Living near the Great Lakes either gives me a great advantage or puts me in great danger of attack.
The end will not be pretty, but , hopefully, it will be quick!

Do We Call This Progress?

2011-08-26T21:50:00.002-05:00

On this, Women's Equality Day which every August 26th, celebrates the 40th anniversary of the passage of the voting rights amendment that gave women the right to vote in this country, perhaps it's time to see how far we've come in narrowing the gender gap...at least according to the World Economic Forum which posted the Global Gender Gap Index recently.
The research was based on four major indicators of equality:

1. Economic participation and opportunity

2. Educational opportunity

3. Health and survival

4. Political empowerment

The United States finished 19th among the 134 countries judged, finishing very high in some categories while not so high in others (as one might expect). Also, ass one might expect, the countries in which the gap was the greatest between men and women were fundamentally Islamic countries. But, back to the U.S.

America tied for first (with 21 other countries) in the category of educational attainment.
However, it fell to 38th in the category of health and survival (eek!) and 40th in political empowerment.
since the article I read on CNN News did not publish the entire study, those are the only facts to be gleaned about a gender gap in this country.
If you ladies are thinking, "Well, where should I go to enhance my opportunities?" I will list the top ten countries and let you decide (chauvinists need not apply!)

10. Switzerland
9. The Philippines
8. Lesotho (huh?)
7. Denmark
6. Ireland
5. New Zealand
4. Sweden
3. Finland
2. Norway
1. Iceland

Why all the Scandinavian-type countries so near the top? No idea...though most of them have a more or less socialist government system.
Bon Voyage, Ladies!

Outdone Yet Again

2011-08-25T20:56:00.003-05:00

Try as I might, there is no way I can top any of this today; it's only right that I share it instead of rambling on about some inanity! Enjoy!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532

A "Free" Lunch? Not So Much

2011-08-24T21:08:00.002-05:00

With the economy faltering badly for most of the world, it's no wonder that more and more complaints are being lodged against the freeloaders in this country: those on welfare or those accepting unemployment checks. Those who's complexion gets a bit more ruby-like between the ears and the shoulders complain that they have to pay for everybody else who doesn't have the desire to get off their behinds and get a job. Those who are simply taking the taxpayers for a free ride should be held accountable!
While it is undoubtedly true that there is abuse in both systems, it is also true that there are people out there who desperately need the aid that our society provides...but it's not free. I can guarantee this, having been at one time a recipient of both unemployment benefits and food stamps. Seeing what other people had and opportunities with which they were presented was extremely difficult during those dark days. Knowing that I could not effectively care for my family without assistance was embarrassingly humbling...and I vowed that if I ever were to escape that vicious circle of "you are overqualified for this job" rejections and the hopelessness they engendered (making actually trying to get a job even harder), I would never again complain about having to support "freeloaders."
I can only imagine the hopelessness of someone laid off at 50 or unemployable due to a lack of education and/or addiction or mental health issues which cannot be overcome...brutal depression and anxiety has to give way eventually to despair.
Now, imagine you have to live in this condition your whole adult life! I could not do it. It was only through the steadfast belief and support of those around me that I was able to get out of that situation...not sure I could have done it by myself.
And now that I am somewhat secure despite the economic and governmental downturn, I refuse to let anyone rail on and on about how social programs amount to a "free lunch." The price for those people is a high one.
Yes, I know that some people abuse the system to great advantage...but I'm willing to "go to the bank" for those who are thinking desperate thoughts right now.
Because I've had those thoughts.

I Never Thought I'd...

2011-08-23T21:15:00.002-05:00

The fashion of the time is to look ahead to all the things we'd hoped to accomplish but have yet to do so. Whenever anyone mentions "bucket list" to me, I get the willies. To plan the rest of one's life in anticipation of dying seems to be an approach that is more than a bit morbid. It is almost like a grocery list: get everything the first time so you don't have to make another trip. Checking items off the "list" seems to be almost more important than the activities themselves. Of course, maybe I'm just odd, but instead of looking toward the bright light at the end of the tunnel, I prefer to look at each day in amazement that my life has included so many things that I never thought would ever happen to me: some good, some bad, but each experience has made me the person I am and contributed significantly to what I will take with me when I draw my last earthly breath.
So, in no particular order, here is my list of things that have occurred that I would never have thought possible:

I would never have believed a woman could put up with me for 40 years and counting...yet, she's still here, and I think we are more in love now than ever.

I would never have believed that the two things I liked the most as a teen would end up being my life's work in many ways: sports and music have taken me everywhere from a college scholarship to a teaching/coaching/tutoring career and 20 years on the radio.

As a dedicated baseball fan, I cannot believe I ever worked for the Green Bay Packers (yes, that is in the past tense).

It is still hard to believe that I survived an aneurysm...or that the tenacity of a local doctor would prove to be the critical element in finding the anomaly. In my experience, there has never been another one like Dr. Mark Weisse.

I would never have thought to travel so widely, and I owe it to various exchanges students/teachers and the travels of my own children who introduced me to wonderful places throughout the world.

I never believed I would actually be 60. As Mickey Mantle once said, 'If I'd known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself."

I never, ever dreamed I would run the Boston Marathon.

I would not have thought I would complete almost a thousand entries in a blog.

I would have never, ever thought I would care about a social network OR start a Twitter account.

I never thought I would live to see the day that political parties cared so much more about their electability than the people whom they might serve.

And so it goes...

All I Need Now Is A Stick

2011-08-22T20:36:00.002-05:00

Bobby Flay material?

I'm not claiming to be the next Colonel Sanders...far from it; however, every now and then, I come upon something in the kitchen (mostly by accident) that I think merits attention. I've always wanted to mix favorite foods just to see if I still liked them in combination: thus, I can never eat ice cream alone. It must be mixed with a variety of things I find degenerating in the fridge...just in case it would taste good. Frankly, I've yet to try anything in combination with ice cream that DIDN'T taste good, but that's almost a given for me.
I'm not talking about the garden variety "peanut butter-and-pickle" food. I mean things that one might put together by accident (or on purpose) and prepare them in an experimental way. As a result, if left to my own devices, dinner would be something one might poke with a fork and say, "Uh, what's in this." Suffice it to say that the result would be a melange of MY favorite foods.
As watched a banana slowly turn spotted-to-brown today (it was a slow day), I decided to see how I could use it to my benefit...although every time I eat a banana, I get a constriction in my throat that may or may not be related to some kind of allergy. I just hate to waste food...so...
I disguised the banana with my favorite combination: peanut butter, marshmallows and vanilla wafers. While this is not too unusual an combination, I think my preparation method is a bit off the beaten track. Most people would make a pudding and layer the items (marshmallows excluded) with meringue atop the mixture. I mad sandwiches of the items, baked them in a cooling over until the marshmallow was melty, and I am happy with the result.
When slightly warm, the vanilla wafers are soft, having absorbed the peanut butter-banana-marshmallow combination. After refrigeration, the wafers were again crunchy...to my surprise.
At one bite per "sandwich," these are great. Now, if I can only find a way to get these on a stick, I will be ready to present them at state fairs all over the country!
I said it was a slow day!

My Diet Tip

2011-08-20T21:56:00.002-05:00

I was eating in a Vietnamese restaurant tonight, and it hit me: the perfect diet tip for Americans. It has nothing to do with what one eats, but it IS about utensils. I was diligently trying to eat a rice dish...frustrated by the minute amounts I was getting as a result of using chopsticks, and the "aha" moment hit me.
Th is no way I could eat a lot in less than an hour or so because there would be only a small amount every time I got the utensils to my mouth. As a result, I ate a lot less than I would have otherwise, and it took me a long time to do so! It only figures that if everyone we to use chopsticks for every meal, there would be very little eaten, and no one would have time to eat very much...result? A thin population! Imagine trying to eat mashed potatoes and gravy or ice cream...in fact, even trying to eat steak would be complicated: no knife!
I can imagine folks trying to stab a chunk of steak or twirling the stick around and around in an attempt to eat spaghetti.
You have to admit: it's a perfect solution. I feel thinner already.

The Taa of Sotheary

2011-08-20T08:52:00.002-05:00

Understanding myself and the random thoughts that sift through it is complicated at times; trying to understand a two-year old is totally mystifying. My position as "Taa" (grandfather) opens up a whole new vista of confusion. Learning to speak and understand two languages would be impossible for me so I can imagine. The complication for our granddaughter. While she seems to be able to smoothly transition, it's definitely a challenge for me to communicate with her. Yaa Carol is much more intuitive than I am...which makes it much easier and lowers the frustration level a bit. Still, it would be fascinating to hear what she thinks she knits her brow and issues one-syllable commands to everyone around her. At this moment, she is screaming for me to give up the iPad so she can use it...at least that much is quite clear to me.
I'm out!

Looking Backwards Through the Rearview Mirror

2011-08-18T22:05:00.002-05:00

Somehow, it never occurred to me as a youngster that there would be moments that were neither exciting or terrifying throughout life...that there would be moments that were more bittersweet. The passage of time eventually places such events in the positive or negative outlook, but at the time, such things encourage a kind of uncertainty that is not pleasant.
Retirement is such an event: the minute one walks out the door for the last time in a place he or she has spent a great deal of energy and effort, a sense of regret sets in. Of course, by then, the door is locked securely behind, and the only way to move is forward. Driving away, one looks in the rearview mirror and senses the passage of something important, and the fear involved in a new opportunity.
As a result, I totally understand all those people who retire only to return very quickly to the safety of a life they have known: a life that insures a degree of comfort based on certainty. Face it: relationships are like that in that they begin and end eventually, either in figurative or permanent separation. Careers end and change begins: not necessarily a pleasant thought, but it can be an exciting one.
Be sure you want to leave before pushing the proverbial door handle for the last time. There is seldom an opportunity to retreat to the safety of a former life, but the challenges ahead can be stimulating.
Hopefully, I can heed my own advice in the coming year...as yet another part of my life recedes in the rearview mirror, surrounded by the "traffic" of new challenges.

It Had To Happen Sooner Or Later

2011-08-17T21:00:00.002-05:00

This was an obvious next step

Remember when Coke introduced the "new" Coke and what a disaster it was? Brands are always tinkering with what was a good thing originally in an attempt to make it even better (Coke with lime?). Generally, like sequels or prequels in books and movies, anything after the original just doesn't seem to work out as well as the initial effort. We see it everywhere in the entertainment industry: spinoff after spinoff until originality is lost forever. I think that's why teenager's music is sparked by rebellion: they're tired of hearing the same stuff reworked. At last, though, a "new" version that's worth the time and effort that it took to bring it to the table.
Oreo cookies are an American icon. I believe it's no joke when the commercials call Oreos "Milk's favorite cookie." I'm sure the delectable treat has blogs devoted to such things as how to eat it properly or make it last longer or just HOW soggy with milk it has to be before one gives in and slurps it down. Most people I know don't simply take a bite, chew it up, and move on...nor do they simply dunk a cookie for a few seconds, bite, and repeat. Most folks I know unscrew the cookie part from the creme filling; at that point, some scrape the filling off with a fork...some scrape it off with their teeth and actually eat it; the purpose, of course, is to get to the cookie part (separated from the filling). As such, Nabisco has finally crafter the perfect cookie. Their first effort merely doubled the amount of creme filling: wrong move. We did not want more sugar-infused, whipped lard. We wanted more cookie! Finally, we have just that with the introduction today of the "Triple Double Oreo." This long-awaited reinvention contains three chocolate cookies with two thin layers of creme filling: one vanilla, and one chocolate. I suspect that the filling's only purpose is to hold the three cookies in place...only to be scraped off in order to get to the cookie part.
Acceptable job, Nabisco. Next, give me a bag of cookies with NO filling: I'll put two together with nothing between them and have the perfect cookie.

It's All Too Confusing...To Me

2011-08-16T20:24:00.002-05:00

Really? This Is Sexy?

Some things about life are really inexplicable as far as I can tell. Seriously, when I have too much time on my hands, things tend to prey on my mind, and singing the theme song to Gilligan's Island doesn't help like it does when I can't get a song out of my head.
Walking along on a tour of Lambeau Field today, having heard the same information hundreds of times this summer, my mind wandered off and left me ambling along waiting for someone to ask a question to give me something stimulating to do. (We always have 2 guides in case of bathroom stops or overloaded elevators, etc.) As I held open the doors heading outside using the automatic door openers, it struck me again: people SEE that I have automatically opened the doors and continue to have the doors open...so why do they automatically put their hand on the door to keep it from closing on them? Even when I manually hold a door open, I notice people put out their hand and hold the door...just in case! What? Am I going to suddenly slam it in their faces just as they approach the doorway? This is just one of the seemingly random puzzles that I tried to figure out today. In no real order, here are some other thoughts that occupied the far corners of my brain today:

Kobe Bryant was named in an assault case recently by a young man who said that Bryant grabbed his hand and sprained his wrist by jerking the young man's cell phone out of his hand...during a church service! Really? Kobe...shouldn't you be doing something else IN CHURCH? WTF? (Bryant's defense was that he "thought" the guy was taking his picture...in church?

Why has "Back To School" become the anti-Christmas? Both have weeks, if not months of anticipation in the media and shopping centers. Both are built up like the next great thing, but there are decidedly different audiences here: one (parents) will be happy, and the other (students) faces the upcoming year with something like anguish. Of course, the post-Christmas blues might be something akin to that uneasy feeling as well. Naturally, the reverse happens during most school year breaks.

What's up with the dorky fedora hats everyone seems to be wearing? I've never understood fashion, but it just seems like everyone thinks he/she is in a boy band this year. This is almost as odd to me a fashion trend as women who wrap scarves around their necks when it's not cold outside..,.maybe I've missed the reason for these items...after all, I'm more of an old school guy.

Finally, Don Johnson might have started the trend years and years ago with his character in Miami Vice, but lately, it seems like no well-dressed man even thinks to go out in style AFTER shaving! In fact, that five o'clock shadow thing has appeared in fashion magazines on almost every male model...and I am nonplussed. Every female I've ever dated has complained about being scratched by an unkempt face...all preferring the baby-soft skin of a recently-shaved date. Again, maybe it's a sign I've aged, but I STILL don't know any woman who would prefer me unshaven.
Of course, there is the ever so slight possibility that it's really ME they object to, and shaving (or not) is not part of the issue.
Fortunately, I have fiver hours of walking on tours tomorrow to cipher this through.

Soothing the Savage Breast?

2011-08-15T21:06:00.002-05:00

Something From Blue Oyster Cult, Perhaps?

My dentist plays 80's rock every time I visit. I presume he plays it all the time. I know his assistants have heard the tunes so much that they are humming along to snatches of catchy 80's rock while jabbing me with various sharp objects. I guess trying to remember the title of the song or the performing group gives me something to think about other than the incredible nerve damage being done by "a little poke" here and there. If it makes them more comfortable, it's OK with me...after all, I can SEE what they're doing, and I can definitely FEEL if something goes wrong. The operating room staffed by surgeons is another story.
After six knee operations, an aneurysm surgery, a tonsillectomy, and a couple of colonoscopies, I feel confident in my ability to discuss the operating theater...at least to the point at which I get to about 95 in my "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" backwards counting while awaiting the heavenly unconsciousness of the anesthesia. It appears, I'm missing quite the musical show, according to a report lately published in Surgical Endoscopy. It would appear that the operating room is never the quiet, focused place I had always hoped it would be when the surgeon goes exploring my innards. Most favor music while working as a way to relax both the surgeon and the staff, boost morale (mine?), or relieve the monotony of repetitive procedures...hey, there's NOTHING ordinary about MY operation! It's not like my nose will light up and a beep will sound if the cutter gets it wrong!
At any rate, the article cites multiple studies that indicate classical music provides far more benefits than hard rock or metal music; you think? In addition to the benefits for the conscious in the room, patients have also been proven to be more relaxed during surgery (as if being unconscious wasn't relaxed enough!), they require less anesthesia, and recover more quickly! A win/win!
Of course, doctors get to choose what they listen to, but the next time I go into the surgical arena, I am specifically going to request that the doctor NOT play selections like "Don't Fear the Reaper," or "Cuts Like a Knife."
Weird Al's "Like a Surgeon" might be fun, though...until I get to the number 95.

Stop Monkeying Around With This Country!

2011-08-04T20:55:00.003-05:00

Movie Scene or Infuriated, Unemployed Citizen?

Seriously, at this point in history, I believe I am as frustrated/angry as I have ever been with the folks entrusted with our country. While I generally stick to matters more mundane than the life-and-death struggles of our system, I just can't let this one go. When almost 80% of Americans polled used words like "ridiculous" and "stupid" and "spoiled brats" to describe our elected officials, I know something is wrong.
When the DJI drops 500 points in one day, it's a sign that I'm not the only one losing confidence in the direction we're taking...and I'm laying the blame on everyone: no specific party or philosophical point of view, no matter how unfathomably idiotic I find any of them, all get the "naughty" finger from me.
Elected to increase jobs? Hasn't happened...and what's worse, they are all pointing fingers at OTHER people! Hey! I elected YOU to handle this...you PROMISED!
OK, OK, call me naive if you want to, but I would think the good of the country would outweigh ANY self-serving political agenda...not so much.
We're headed for another showdown in 2012 (following all the recall elections here), and I dread even turning on the TV or opening a newspaper. There will be more mud flying around than monkey feces at the zoo, each person distancing himself from the faults of "the other party." That is, if we're still solvent by then.
I almost think Caesar (pictured) could do a better job than our current officials on any level.
It's disheartening to be so dispirited.

"Ladies and Gentlemen...Rock and Roll."

2011-08-02T07:03:00.004-05:00

At the time, I didn't really notice especially. I mean, I had a job, a semi-large family and could still actually run: too much to do. However, when MTV finally launched following the words of John Lack, one of the creators, the social fabric of America (and probably the world) was forever altered. August 1st, 1981 marked the beginning of what was to be a music revolution. Long before iTunes, MP3 players and Napster, the evolution of popular culture began with a simple video of The Buggles' song, Video Killed the Radio Star. Who knew? Who suspected?
It's somewhat sad to see that 31 years later, music videos have all but disappeared from the MTV scene. Of course, YouTube has had a lot to do with it, making accessibility to music videos instantaneous in the same way that ESPN.com has made access to all things sports available 24/7 and CNN.com has done the same for news. In my opinion, this evolution has also made us terribly impatient: if something takes more than a nanosecond to load on our computer, we get furious...just my take on it.
MTV undoubtedly brought us some amazing "firsts," though, you'll have to admit.
Remember waiting anxiously for the Thriller video in December of 1983? And remember thinking that Michael Jackson was the most talented guy on the planet as a result? I mean, who else could demand time for a 14-minute video and get it?
Beavis and Butthead predated South Park (now in its 15th season) by only a couple of years and changed adolescent guys' inexorably. How many people do you remember trying to emulate that laugh or speaking like Cornholio? I had a large number of students who never missed an episode between 1993-1998; and those (now adult) guys will be gratified to know that B & B will be back this October! Get out the underwear to put over your head!
Perhaps the most famous of reality shows premiered in 1992 when The Real World hit MTV...and continues to this day, leading us inevitably to Jackass, 16 and Pregnant/Teen Mom, and, of course, Jersey Shore which introduced us to things like "hair bump" and better-looking abs.
Naturally, there are detractors who long for the days of simple music videos, but that demographic is probably at least 30 years old by now, and that group has no affiliation with popular culture as it now exists.
They might say that reality television killed the video star, but they'd be wrong...I can watch any video I want any time on YouTube.
Of course, I now need an iPad to take it with me wherever I go. Laptops? Ha! Dinosaurs.
Feeling older...
Check out The Buggles' video (on YouTube, of course):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiJ9AnNz47Y

...And Then I Knew!

2011-07-26T19:33:00.003-05:00

Definitely Not From Taco Bell

I like to think I'm something of an adventurous type; usually, I'm up for most suggestions that people make when it comes to trying something out of the ordinary. In addition, unlike SOME people, I'm not too fussy about food, despite the fact that eating is one of my favorite sensual pleasures (like really cold milk or the smell of dew on the first morning of spring).
When it comes to gustatory delight, I was formerly of the "quantity without a high degree of quality" people. Shakey's Pizza, Golden Corral, China Buffett: you name it, I ate there. Not so much any more. I just can't seem to eat as much before getting uncomfortable...but that's OK...I'm still more of a comfort food person than a person who needs nine utensils to eat a serving that doesn't even fill the plate. But, I'm game for almost anything...as long as it's not what I would call a "Girl Restaurant."
Before defining what that is, let me describe what it is NOT:
1. A non-Girl Restaurant probably has paper napkins, or at least cloth napkins that are not folded into some kind of bird.
2.A non-Girl Restaurant has enough room so that I don't overhear every conversation.
3.A non-Girl Restaurant features a menu that I can understand without asking nearby diners what they're having that looks so good.
4.A non-Girl Restaurant will have at least one dish that is mostly beef. Salads are OK, but beef is a viable choice.
5.A non-Girl Restaurant has desserts like pie...maybe with ice cream on top.
6.A non-Girl Restaurant has a drink menu that has at least one beer as well as the wine choices.

So, there you have it...the kind of restaurant I would not generally frequent though I can admit to a feminine side and make the occasional foray into the girl world of dining. So it was recently.
Billed as an excuse to get the ragtop out and drive a ways to this much-ballyhooed little place that featured singing waitresses and an upscale ( I should have guessed) menu, I was all in for the road trip to food. The GPS guided us (generally) in the right direction, though it took old-fashioned Boy Scout skills to complete the mission. Meeting friends for lunch meant that I had to keep any complaints to myself, and I think I did an acceptable job of it, for this place in King, Wisconsin, definitely was a "Girl Restaurant." The signs continued to multiply until I KNEW...too late.
1. The building was cottage-like, painted in whites, pinks and turquoises with flower gardens all around.
2. "Intimate" hardly describes the seating arrangements: I was close enough to share entrees with those around me, and SOMEONE continually asked other diners what it was that looked so good on their plates.
3. The menu was limited (not a big deal) since everything was made right there using herbs and veggies from a garden out back (definitely girl stuff!); but there was absolutely nothing on the menu featuring beef...lots of salad choices, but chicken was the only thing that had been recently running through the great outdoors.
4. The drink menu consisted of various liquids containing fruits, carrots and/or hibiscus; white wine might have been an option, but it was the hibiscus for me!
5. The desserts were varied (and tasty), but when something comes with a sauce containing strawberries and merlot, it made me a bit suspicious; the fact that it was decorated (see photo) with those ersatz-squiggly lines of sauce literally screamed "NOT TACO BELL!"
I grudgingly accepted all of those things in a spirit of "let's do something different," but when it came to using the bathroom, I had to simply shake my head, knowing I was trapped in a female world. All in all,I guess the room was ordinary; mind you, there was only one WC for the customers, so it wasn't like I had wandered into the wrong one. As I prepared to,uh, relieve myself, I noticed a fan blowing in the room. It was situated right next to the toilet and blowing directly across the toilet seat area...a cooling breeze about chest high for a woman, but waist high for me. To put this as delicately as I can...aiming with a side wind is tricky at best and messy at worst...but by then, I had committed myself and could only try my best...
knowing that it was probably not meant for me...
this "Girl Restaurant."

Taking Down the Chinese

2011-07-25T20:45:00.002-05:00

I have always said that armed conflict doesn't really get us anywhere. It's been proven time and again that subterfuge works just as well. Export Western reality television to the rest of the world, and, voila! They're hooked and buying our products. Let millions of people in India buy a car, and very soon, they're hooked on driving...can drive in movies and Sonic restaurants (not to mention Starbucks' drive-up windows) be far behind? Of course, that raises the ugly specter (or Spectre if one remembers the Bond movies) of their using all the oil, leaving us to walk...well, we'll just get out the hiking boots and return to our roots. In an interesting twist, while the middle class in this country slowly disintegrates into a rich man/poor man class system, we're taking over China in the same way...by encouraging unthinkable spending on weddings.
Weddings and wedding planning have become an 80 billion-dollar a year business in China, and it is not uncommon for a young man to work tirelessly for four years or more just to be able to afford an engagement ring valued at $3500. Every year, 10 million Chinese will marry, and the cost has become exorbitant, with some spending an entire year's earnings on the ceremony/dinner combination. Remember, this is China, a country in which prestige and "face" are more important than almost anything else; a place in which 5-star hotels charge an average of $1200 per sitting for a dinner. Yikes! This ever-growing extravagance is being fueled by an ever-growing middle class and an ever-increasing need to invite hundreds of people to each affair.
Of course, there are ways to save money without losing face, according to Lawrence Lo, an etiquette consultant. He offers the suggestions of serving Chines wine instead of imported wine and leaving items like shark fin soup off the dinner menu...for what? tenderloin tips and broasted chicken?
I say, keep spending all the money on weddings in the Far East. Maybe we'll somehow be able to get that money bak by producing a reality series of Bridezillas in China.
That'll show 'em to mess with OUR debt!

Glad Not to be 27!

2011-07-24T19:54:00.003-05:00

Amy Winehouse is the latest to enter the "legendary-stars-dead-at-27 club," though how many folks regard her as legendary is open to conjecture. She did win 5 Grammy Awards in 2008, including Best new Artist; she was more noted, however, for drug and alcohol lapses, a sometimes vile personality, and a love-hate relationships with fans. In her most recent attempt to perform, she was booed off the stage and abruptly ended a European tour. So...whether she was an ascending start or just another misguided wannabe, at age 27, she will be the next chapter in The 27s: The Greatest Myth of Rock and Roll.
This book eulogizes and immortalizes all the "great" musicians who died at age 27, and might make an interesting, though macabre, read since many of them flashed by during my youth, and I recognized all of them by name. Here's the list; you decide whether they were dead too soon or not really worthy of the status we accord them today.

1928 Robert Johnson
1969 Brian Jones
1970 Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin
1971 Jim Morrison
1994 Kurt Cobain
2011 Amy Winehouse

Of course, plenty of musicians and artists (just like regular people) died far too young. It struck me as odd, however, that a significant number died at age 27.
I have a couple of things going for me:
1. I am 'way past 27, and
2. I'm 'way past influencing a large segment of any demographic.
Whew!

No Longer Planking for Fun

2011-07-22T22:03:00.003-05:00

Of course, I found out about planking long after it was incredibly popular. Now, it seems like "owling" is the latest meme, and I have been left behind. Oh, I know about it early this time, but I cannot recreate the pose. Squatting is completely impossible for me, given my lack of knee flexibility...not that I wouldn't love to perch somewhere with an intent, owl-like gaze on some distant rodent. I would, but I can't.
so, it's up to all of you who have NOT had six knee surgeries to get out there and "owl." After all, according to one pundit quoted in the accompanying article, "Planking is so two months ago."

http://www.cnn.com/2011/TECH/web/07/21/owling.meme/index.html?hpt=hp_bn7

Roll Out the Barrel, Ruskies!

2011-07-21T21:56:00.003-05:00

Not so unusual, even in Russia

"Back in the day" when I turned 18 and was old enough to legally drink beer, it was something of a watered-down version: 3.2% alcohol...at least in Kansas where I did my consuming. It was not sold after midnight on Saturday until the liquor store opened on Monday morning (it was unavailable in grocery stores), bars remained closed on Sundays, and it was generally seen as a substance under control. I'm sure people drank it to excess, and I'm sure we had alcoholics...I just didn't know any.
My move to Wisconsin years later was an eye-opener (not the Bloody Mary kind): beer was 6% alcohol, bars were open on Sunday and catered to the after-church crowd, and it seemed as if the culture revolved somewhat around taverns. Quite different from my experience, but not so different from that of the Russian population, it seems.
Every movie I saw that featured Russian people showed them imbibing vast quantities of vodka, and I could never understand how anyone could drink that stuff...but Russians did, and it became something of a symbol for that country. I guess it's not surprising, then, that the consumption of alcohol by Russians has been noted as twice the critical level as determined by the World Health Organization. In other words, Russians don't do their livers much good. That's where beer was introduced as a get-healthy measure.
Thinking that beer would be better for people's bodies than vodka, the advertising agents (sponsored, no doubt, by the government) began touting beer as a healthy alternative to the life of a stumbling, mumbling alcoholic. But it appears that it's not so simple. For one thing, beer has a much higher alcohol content there than it does here, though still remaining under 10% alcohol content. The fact that anything under 10% in Russia is considered "food" triggered an all-out assault on the livers of drinkers everywhere. Beer sales are up by 40% while vodka sales have dropped by 30%, according a BBC report. Sale of beer is a 24/7/365 event, and has no restrictions on who can sell it. As a result, the beer gut is becoming a prominent part of Russian culture.
While the government is now trying to regulate the sale of beer during certain hours as well as restricting the advertising of beer, it's clear that the malty beverage has a solid foothold...sort of like Wisconsin, only MUCH bigger.
Prosit!

Super-Duper Sized

2011-07-19T21:25:00.002-05:00

Start stretching your stomach for this...

It wasn't too long ago that America and it's fondness for fast food was dealt a healthy dose of reality: we were getting too fat, and fast food was a major culprit...and don't think America didn't notice. Ask Krispy Kreme what happens when your product is terrible for the waistline (yet so addictive!) Franchises all over the country went down in oil and frosting despite all the free "Hot Now" offerings. Even places like McDonald's began to offer smaller portions and menus that offered calorie/saturated fat listings in order to help consumers make wiser choices. Slowly, though, the notion that more is better is regaining the foothold that once dominated the restaurant industry.
Think about it: those of you who eat fast food on occasion NEVER leave having drunk just one soft drink. In the name of economy, we feel we just have to have at least two servings in order to get our money's worth...and all the fancy drinks from coffees to smoothies? Loaded with calories, sugar and caffeine. Think you can get by in a more healthy way by going inside a "real" restaurant? Maybe...most likely, maybe not. This according to the Center for Science in the Public Interest as noted in its latest newsletter Nutrition Action Healthletter.
The publication recently reported it Xtreme Eating Awards...a designation of some of the absolutely worst foods available for the consuming public. This year, there were eight "winners," but I'll stop at the top three because it makes me feel overfull to go further.
1. Denny's Fried Cheese Melt: Just as it implies, this sandwich consists of four fried mozzarella sticks between two slices of sourdough bread with melter American cheese inside as well. Served with fries and marinara sauce, this baby weighs in at 1260 calories, 21g. of saturated fat, and more than 3,000mg. of sodium. (feeling queasy already)

2. The Cheesecake Factory's Farmhouse Cheeseburger (pictured). Even without the 460 calories provided by the accompanying fries, this burger will test your limits with 1530 calories, 21g. of saturated fat, and 3210 mg. of salt. (unsteady on my feet as I leave the table looking for dessert)

3. Coldstone Creamery's PB&C shake will top off any calorie-hunter's meal. Weighing in at 24 ounces, this shake of chocolate ice cream, peanut butter, and milk sounds innocuous enough. However, when one figures this behemoth of a dessert item features 2010 calories and a whooping 68 g. of saturated fat (all equal to 2 16-oz. T-Bone steaks and a buttered baked potato), it's enough to long for the days when five kids fought over four pork chops.

I will admit, there are healthy choices out there, and it's up to the consumer to be smart enough to make the right choices, but thee things often are pictured to be SO GOOD that temptation is virtually irresistible.
At 200 calories, a Krispy Kreme doughnut looks good in comparison...wish I had one.

Sketchy, At Best

2011-07-13T20:27:00.004-05:00

Possibly a Pricey Problem!

Women seen to be the target of any product that comes out (unless beer is somehow associated with it). Seriously, look at the mall stores: almost none of them is aiming at the male demographic. Everything is designed to get women (in my estimation) feeling less secure about the way they look, the way their hair curls or doesn't, and the lines, creases, and expansions of natural body development. It's not that these things don't occur to men as well, but, frankly, I don't think men are as uptight about these changes...they just go buy sports cars and let it go at that!
Anyway, the bullseye is on women as far as fitness is concerned as well...despite the fact that most women wouldn't care to don lycra on a bet; that's not to say there aren't products designed every day to help out in the privacy of one's home...it's just that all the people advertising these bits of paraphernalia are truly ripped! Six-pack abs? They've already got 'em...and they do their best to convince women that they, too can look like this. The cost is generally more than one might wish to pay, but if it costs more, it must work well...right? So it is with toning shoes which became "all the rage" the last couple of years. Turns out that the rage is mostly coming from customers and researchers.
Initially near the $100 range, these athletic-type shoes featured a rocker-shaped sole which, according to manufacturers' claims "exercise and tighten the muscles in the calves, thighs, and buttocks." One manufacturer used this as a tag line to indicate how well the shoes worked: "Your boobs will be jealous!" Really? Well, not so much, it turns out.
Dr. John Mercer, a biomechanics professor at the University of Nevada-Las Vegas decided to be the latest to test the theory about the effectiveness of such shoes. He selected young university women, since the shoes are aimed almost exclusively at women, and had they exercise on a treadmill alternating between Sketchers Shapeups and regular walking shoes. The participants were hooked up to electrodes that measured electrical impulses generated as the muscles contracted. He also measured oxygen consumed to decide whether the women were working harder in one type of shoe than in the other. Additionally, the walkers were tested for calorie burning during each session.
Mercer's findings were presented this June at the annual meeting of the American College of Sports Medicine...those findings indicated that there was no significant difference in any of the categories measured, despite the claims of increased productivity by the makers of the shaping shoes. No difference. These findings echoed those published last year by a group of exercise physiologists at the University of Wisconsin-LaCrosse whose test included three different brands of shaping shoes. There simply was no benefit to buying and/or using these shoes, except one: if women feel they are going to tone a lot, they are more tempted to actually get out and walk when they might not exercise at all otherwise.
But they do not need shaping shoes to get the results.
Save your money, ladies, but get out there and move...somebody will be jealous!

Time to Move To Japan

2011-07-10T21:10:00.003-05:00

Living Longer In the East

There are a great number of benefits to be derived from living in the U.S. I thought about that today as I spent more on an anniversary dinner than many people in the world make in a couple of months. I have a couple of automobiles, and I can afford the gas (for now) to operate them. Stores have everything I need (and more), and I have the money to shop for things that I would like but definitely do not need...currently, a new iPod shuffle (my other one died). Toss in a few other notable things like freedom of speech, religion, and, in some places, sexual orientation, and this country is hard to beat. Having baseball is just icing on the cake. However, there is a price to pay for all of these "luxuries": I will die before many other people in the world who were born in the same year. The United States currently ranks #38 in terms of longevity among world nations; and, according to a study partnered by the University of Washington-Seattle and Imperial College in London, we're falling even farther behind.
According to the study's authors, the differences cannot be explained simply by size of nation, amount of racial diversity or national economics. Apparently, there are a whole host of things we Americans need to be thinking about if we don't want to have to move to another more healthy country!
1. One in five Americans die as a result of smoking...count both my parents in that figure. It seems that we are one of the more lenient countries when it comes to allowing advertising of tobacco products (lobbyists, no doubt). However, I'd still bet that people in Greece and Turkey die far more than we do from smoking...it seems everybody there smokes.
2. One in six Americans dies of high blood pressure: primary cause? too much crap to eat and too much salt in our diets...of course, we have well-preserved corpses when we go.
3. One in three Americans is obese; the reasons for this are widely-known, from too many desk jobs to cutting physical education in school to too many additives in our food. I don't think we'll ever figure this out as a nation. BTW, we have 10 times more obese people than Japan...though I'm not really sure how the populations match up.
4. There are more dentists whitening teeth than fixing them; there are more plastic surgeons that general practitioners; health insurance companies would rather make money than make people healthy; and the economic divide that is ever-growing seems to doom a larger percentage of the population to less-than-adequate health care.
So...where should we move? If you want to be healthy and long-lived, pick one of the following:

1. Japan Men average life expectancy: 79 Women: 86.2
2. Australia Men average life expectancy: 79.1 Women: 83.7
3.Canada Men average life expectancy: 78.2 Women: 82.9
4. Great Britain Men average life expectancy: 77.1 Women: 80.8

Here in the U.S.A. Men average life expectancy: 75 Women: 80.8
Moving to Japan would mean that one would still have baseball (beisbol), and I would suspect many people speak English...
but I think I'm going to take my chances here...if I can find a "blue" state nearby!

Butterbeer Not Available...But Who Knows?

2011-07-08T20:53:00.003-05:00

'Way before all this fuss about sexy vampires (hickeys gone wild?) captured the throbbing hearts of youngsters everywhere and threatened to turn television and juvenile literature into something Anne Rice would slit her own throat over, J.K Rowling exposed a fact that we'd somehow missed: a 700-page book is not daunting to a youngster if the characters and plot are interesting. I was amazed when the Harry Potter series of books (yes, they were books FIRST!) exploded onto the scene and were gobbled up by preteens everywhere. The first time I noticed these kids and their parents waiting at midnight at a book store waiting for the new release, I knew Rowling had struck a nerve...a nerve that the Twilight series seems to have resonated against as well...though I'm not so sure this one isn't more of a female nerve than a generic one.
Anyway, the last of the Harry Potter movies is about to be unveiled next week...I won't see it, and I may not read the book since they have become a bit contrived for me. Also, now we have She-Whose-Name-Must-Not-Be-Mentioned still flitting about on the political scene, so Voldemort seems a bit lame.
However, if you long to experience the entire Harry Potter "thing," you are in luck, but you have to be in Chicago for it (at least so far. I'm sure this idea will spread rapidly). Beginning Wednesday afternoon, the Marcus theaters in Gurnee and Orland Park will begin showing every single Harry Potter movie, in order, until the first showing of the final episode that features, I suppose, the last battle between good magic and, uh, bad magic. Here's the schedule (just in case):

The marathon starts at 3 p.m. Wednesday with "Sorcerer's Stone," "Chamber of Secrets" (6 p.m.) and "Prisoner of Azkaban" (9 p.m.). It picks up again at noon Thursday with "Goblet of Fire," then "Order of the Phoenix" (2:55 p.m.), "Half-Blood Prince" (5:30 p.m.) and "Deathly Hallows — Part 1" (8:20 p.m.), concluding with the series finale at midnight.

The audience is limited to Muggles, and I have no idea what the concession stands will feature. Check out marcustheatres.com for all the info (just in case)